


all the saints we see

by neroh



Series: souls set in darkness [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mind Meld, Mirror Universe, Post Star Trek: Into Darkness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rescue, Sequel, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2017-12-27 09:45:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 54,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neroh/pseuds/neroh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy reconciles his feelings about Jim during the captain's disappearance and equally mysterious reappearance while grappling with the possibility that there may be problems he cannot fix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you my beta reader [Emma](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AlekWalker/pseuds/AlekWalker) for being amazing!
> 
> Mix is located [here](http://8tracks.com/boldly/all-the-saints-we-see).

It’s safe to say that Leonard McCoy absolutely fucking _hates it_ when Jim does something idiotic. 

It’s like an itch he can’t scratch, making him want it go away or punch Jim in the face. He’s hated it since the Academy, when Jim’s stupidity was rampant and abound and seemingly with no end in sight. 

He hated it during the Narada incident even though Jim’s recklessness saved the planet (and possibly the universe). 

He hated it when Jim walked into the warp core and sacrificed his life in order to save others, including the good doctor as the _Enterprise_ fell from space.  
  
And Leonard hates (absolutely _fucking_ hates it) when Jim – just for a moment – seems to have learned his lesson does something even more idiotic than before. 

This time is no different from the others and Leonard wants to throttle the kid as he stands on the bridge next to Spock as Nyota tries to contact the shuttle that has seemingly disappeared off the _Enterprise’s_ radar.

While the commander's hands are clasped behind his back with a stonewall expression on his face in typical Spock fashion, Leonard’s arms are crossed over his chest as he scowls something fierce. He is muttering under his breath and practically burning a hole in the floor as he paces to and fro. The rounded tips of his ears are burning in anger and he’s pretty sure that his cheeks are a vivid shade of pink. “You shouldn’t have let him talk you into it,” Leonard growls as he makes a pass by Spock’s stoic figure.  
  
The commander raises a brow. “I do not understand,” he replies.  
  
“Letting Jim go out in a prototype shuttle to run amuck,” Leonard says a bit louder as he comes back around, stopping next to the Spock. “You know that he _always_ finds a way to cause trouble – especially when he gets restless!”  
  
“When the captain asked to pilot the shuttle, I did not believe that he intended to cause a disruption to the ship’s activities,” Spock says coolly.  
  
Leonard grunts, not satisfied. “Says you,” he mutters under his breath before a swell of anger pushes itself against his throat. “How the hell does a shuttle vanish into thin air?” he barks.  
  
“That is what we are precisely trying to find out, doctor,” Spock tells him, casting a dark stare in his direction before turning back to address Sulu.  
  
Leonard rolls his eyes and begins pacing once more.

And thinking.

Thinking about how it’s just like Jim to push the limit, to do something so fucking dumb, and to disappear in a Federation shuttle that has barely come out of beta testing. 

Of course, the doctor knows that there is a possibility that Jim didn’t mean to disappear with the shuttle. 

The entire event that leads up to the kid’s disappearance is… strange, for lack of a better word.

One minute Jim’s voice is on the comm, sounding jovial and mischievous as he pilots the shuttle in space. 

Leonard can clearly see the shuttle flying in maneuvers that the machine is meant to do, a little white speck flying against the black. It does sharp turns and what Leonard swears looks like a loopy-loop before he starts begging and pleading with Spock to recall Jim back to the ship.  
  
“Spock,” Leonard says with a brow that arches up to his hairline. It’s all he needs to say because the commander gets it.  
  
Spock leans over the armrest of the captain’s chair and says, “Captain, perhaps it’s time to return to the ship.”  
  
“Already?” he hears Jim whine. “I barely got out here!”  
  
“It’s not a suggestion,” Leonard snaps. “Get back here right now!”  
  
The bridge hears Jim snort in defiance. Leonard hears Sulu and Chekov snickering at the front of the bridge, trying to conceal their laughter as best as they can. The doctor turns his head, seeing both Nyota and Carol biting their lips in amusement.  
  
“Okay dad,” Jim quips as the shuttle on the screen does another sharp turn.  
  
Leonard can feel his heart stop, even as the shuttle levels out and all seems right in the world. “Goddammit kid,” he curses, “no more loopy-loops! Get your ass back here before I make someone fly out to get you!”  
  
Jim is laughing because that’s just what Jim does when he knows Leonard is about to lose it. The doctor is seething in white hot rage as Jim says, “Bones, you need to get out more.”  
  
“Captain,” Spock says, his voice commanding and immediate so that Leonard has no time to launch into a curse filled tirade, “it would be wise for you to return.”  
  
Jim makes a whiny sound. “You two are no fun.”  
  
“No fun!” Leonard barks. “You are the only person I’ve ever met that finds having your stomach left up somewhere in the black as the rest of you is plummeting down at breakneck, G-Force speeds fun!” 

Jim doesn’t respond, only putting more fuel on the proverbial fire. 

“Look you infant,” Leonard growls, “I’m going to hypospray you into next week if you don’t get your ass back here right now!”  
  
There is more silence. He and Spock exchange a look. “Captain?” Spock asks, his brow raised. “Captain?” He turns in the chair, towards Nyota’s direction. “Have we lost his signal?”  
  
Nyota’s brow is creased as she plugs away at her station. “There seems to be some sort of disturbance,” she says, turning towards Spock. “I don’t understand it… the communiqué is active, but all I’m getting is static.”  
  
“Commander, the navigation sensors are picking up a disturbance as well,” Chekov says from his station as he turns his head. “They are all over the place!”  
  
Sulu pipes up next, “Commander, I am having the same readings.”  
  
“I don’t understand what’s happening,” Carol says, her voice laced in confusion. “These ionic waves are off the charts…”  
  
They all look to the viewscreen, watching the shuttle approaching the ship when there’s a flash of light that illuminates the entire bridge and washes out the black that surrounds them. It’s like a supernova, brilliant and blinding, so much so that Leonard covers his eyes that tear up at the harsh light.

An impossibly long moment passes and as Leonard lowers his hand, he hears Sulu say, “Where’s the shuttle?”  
  
Leonard swears that his blood turns to ice at those words. He looks to the viewscreen and lets out a strangled cry as he registers that he’s just looking at space. 

There’s no shuttle; it’s just… _gone_.  
  
Chaos erupts around him. He hears the edge in Spock’s usually calm demeanor - the complete and utter panic that latches onto his voice - as he orders the bridge crew to figure out what the hell is going on. 

“Our sensors aren’t picking up anything, sir,” Chekov says in that accented voice of his. He sounds nervous, unsure as he turns in his chair, his eyes momentarily catching Leonard’s.  
  
Spock raises a brow, stark black against marble. “That is illogical,” he replies. “The captain’s shuttle was just on our radar. It cannot vanish without warning.”  
  
“Sir, I understand this,” Chekov tells him, “but our sensors -”  
  
“I don’t care what the sensors tell you, Mr. Chekov,” Spock uncharacteristically barks, causing everyone on the bridge to pause and stare. “Locate the captain. _Now_.”  
  
Leonard swallows roughly, hearing the desperation that fills Spock’s voice and matches his own. _Where the hell are you, kid_ , Leonard thinks to himself as he stands uselessly on the bridge. “Spock,” he says suddenly.  
  
Spock turns to him. “Yes doctor?”  
  
“His life signs monitor,” the doctor replies, his thoughts racing ahead of his mouth. He cannot finish his sentence.  
  
But Spock is a smart son of a bitch and nods. “Please load the captain’s life signs monitor onto the viewscreen,” he orders.  
  
The viewscreen changes, splitting in half to show the empty space on one side and Jim’s life signs. The numbers and lines that monitor the kid’s vitals are unmoving. “That’s impossible,” Leonard chokes as he practically stumbles towards the viewscreen, eyes widening. He turns to Spock. “Something’s wrong with the monitor.”  
  
Spock narrows his eyes, trying to understand. “Has it malfunctioned?”  
  
Leonard shakes his head, stupefied, as he turns his head to one of the bridge crew. “Show the captain’s vitals from five minutes ago,” Leonard orders, disregarding Spock’s authority. He has a feeling that Spock won’t mind.  
  
“Yes doctor,” the crew member tells him. With the touch of her fingers against her console, the life signs monitor is taken back to five minutes prior.  
  
_When Jim was still here_ , Leonard thinks, numbly.

He watches the screen, seeing his friend’s vitals roar to life. They are steady: from the thump of his pulse to his brain waves. Jim is excited to be piloting the shuttle, but there are no signs of distress. He’s having the time of his life and Leonard can almost hear the kid’s laughter filling the bridge once more. 

Then the vitals sudden drop, as if someone disconnected Jim.  
  
“Doctor?” Spock questions.  
  
Leonard cranes his head, not realizing that Spock was standing next to him. They stare at each other for a moment, both men so frightened that neither will admit, before the doctor breaks away.

“That’s not supposed to happen,” he whispers loud enough for only Spock to hear. 

The commander does not reply, but his silence is telling enough.

 

* * *

  
Leonard finds himself in the captain’s ready room no less than an hour later. Spock is sitting across from him, his eyes trained on the viewscreen in front of them, addressing Admiral Archer. 

He’s heard of the illustrious admiral and perhaps has seen him from afar, but this is the first time that Leonard has truly met him. 

Archer is a gruff, no nonsense man, which Leonard can respect. His face is marred with tight, tension filled lines. It’s not every day that you’re dragged out of bed to hear that the captain of your flagship is missing. Not just missing, but simply gone.  
  
“I don’t understand this,” Archer grumbles as he sets down the coffee mug on his desk. He sees that Spock is about to go through another droll explanation and raises his hand, cutting the commander off. “I understand what you have told me, commander. It just…” His voice trails off and his lips are pressed into a tight line. It would take an idiot not to see that Archer, despite his authoritative airs is concerned. “I don’t understand how he’s there on minute and gone the next. I assume your crew has checked to see who or what is in the same vicinity as the _Enterprise_.”  
  
Spock nods. “Yes, admiral. Our research has not come up with substantial information explaining the captain’s disappearance.”  
  
“And what of the shuttle?” Archer asks.  
  
Spock arches his brow. “There is nothing, sir,” he answers carefully.  
  
“Nothing?” Archer nearly laughs as he shifts in his seat. “What do you mean by nothing, commander? There must be a debris field…”  
  
Leonard feels his stomach bottoming out at what Archer is implying. He opens his mouth to speak, but Spock is quicker. “Are you implying that the captain is deceased?” Spock asks.  
  
Archer’s nostrils flare. “Well, _commander_ , shuttles and Starfleet captains don’t just vanish into thin fucking air!”  
  
“Admiral,” Spock says evenly, though Leonard can see the white hot rage beginning to boil under the commander’s cool exterior, “we are speaking of James Kirk. Anything is possible with him.”  
  
Archer raises a brow. “Commander,” he practically growls. “You are treading a _very thin_ line of insubordination.” 

Spock says nothing because silence is more effective than words in this situation.

Leonard watches the tense moment pass, resulting in Archer’s heavy sigh and the older man pinching the bridge of his nose. “You mentioned an ionic disturbance,” he breathes.  
  
“Yes sir. Before the captain _disappeared_ –” Leonard notices how Spock emphasizes the word because not even the commander wants to think for an iota that Jim is dead – “Lieutenant Marcus reported a violent shift in ionic waves surrounding the perimeter of the Beta shuttle. Our communications officer as well as our navigator reported inference with their monitoring equipment.”  
  
Archer perks up and begins to shift through his PADD, searching the report that Spock had hastily put together before their meeting. “And?”  
  
“Precisely five seconds later, the bridge crew of the _Enterprise_ witnessed an intergalactic phenomenon,” Spock explains.  
  
Leonard speaks before he has the chance to stop himself. “Like a supernova,” he says.  
  
“A supernova?” Archer inquires.  
  
Spock bows his head in agreement. “Not quite an accurate description, however it will suffice,” he replies. “We had visual contact with the Beta shuttle until that moment and when the phenomenon receded, the shuttle and Captain Kirk were gone.”  
  
“And there was no debris field or evidence of an explosion,” Archer asks again, his tone filled with awe and doubt.  
  
Spock shifts in his seat and Leonard notices that he looks _almost_ uncomfortable. “No sir,” he says.  
  
“What about his life signs monitor?”  
  
Leonard clears his throat. “It appears to have gone…offline.”  
  
“It malfunctioned?” Archer practically whispers, his skin paling.  
  
It’s a known fact that the life sign monitors – or chips, more accurately – never malfunction thanks to years of perfecting the device. The fact that Jim’s vitals simply spurted to a halt without warning is just…disturbing. 

“We’re not quite sure,” Leonard replies. “Our Chief of Engineering…” He hears Archer scoff at the mere mention of Scotty and it takes everything – _EVERYTHING_ – in his body to keep from throwing something at the screen while screaming insults about admiral’s beloved beagles. “…is looking into every possibility as to why this occurred.”  
  
Archer nods. “Aside from the possibility of the captain being killed in action?”  
  
“As Commander Spock said…” Leonard begins to say until Archer’s baritone cuts him off.  
  
“I _know_ what Commander Spock said,” he snaps, “but you and your crew must at _every_ possibility, Dr. McCoy!”  
  
Leonard grits his teeth. “We have and Jim being dead isn’t one of them,” he growls.  
  
“Because you say so?”  
  
“I know so.”  
  
Archer looks like he might continue this stupid argument, but to Leonard’s surprise and Spock’s, if the man ever showed emotion, he concedes and slumps back in his chair. “You must think me to be a Starfleet hard ass, doctor, but I can assure you that I am gravely concerned about Captain Kirk’s current whereabouts. I was good friends with Admiral Pike and I knew how fond he was of Jim. I like the kid; he’s become a good man and I am proud of him. For him to simply disappear in front of his ship… I don’t know what to think. If you insist that he is still alive, I will order that all ships be on high alert for any activity regarding this matter.”  
  
Leonard and Spock trade a look before Spock turns to the screen. “Thank you, admiral,” Spock says. “We are grateful for your assistance and concern.”  
  
Archer shrugs. “I wish I could do more,” he sighs before furrowing his brow. “Could it have been Klingons? Orions? Andorians? Someone out to cause trouble?”  
  
“The likelihood of Orions and Andorians are low, admiral,” Spock replies. “While Klingons are a distinct possibility, I remain doubtful as this area of space is not known for their species' traffic.”  
  
Archer nods. “Okay,” he relents. “I thought I’d try. Please keep me cognizant of any new information. It’s not every day our face of Starfleet vanishes without a trace.”  
  
_Because you don’t know Jim Kirk as well as you think you do_ , Leonard deliberates to himself as Spock says pleasantries to Archer before disconnecting the communiqué. He swears he hears Spock let out a sigh as he relaxes into his seat. “That was a waste of time,” Leonard grumbles.  
  
“Agreed,” Spock replies. “However, protocol dictates that we must inform Starfleet in the unlikely event of a captain’s disappearance.”  
  
Leonard cocks a brow. “You know perfectly well that Jim doesn’t do things like halves. If he’s going to get himself into a heap of trouble, he’s going all the damn way and taking no prisoners.”  
  
“I am aware of Jim’s penchant for adventure,” Spock says mildly, “but I believe this scenario to be different.”  
  
Leonard finds himself agreeing with Spock, regardless if he wants to or not. “I know,” he whispers.  
  
“I will have Lieutenant Commander Scott go over the ionic waves frequencies with Lieutenant Marcus, as well as the possibility of a long distance beam out,” Spock declares as he rises from his seat.  
  
Leonard swallows the rapidly forming lump in his throat. “Do you…do you think someone kidnapped him?”  
  
“As you declared to Admiral Archer, we are looking at all possibilities, doctor, and unfortunately that is one of them,” Spock answers.  
  
Leonard gets to his feet. “Is it even possible to beam an entire shuttle to another location?”  
  
“We’ll have to see what our Chief of Engineering finds,” Spock tells him before leaving the ready room.  
  
Leonard stands in the room, looking around and feeling Jim’s presence despite the kid being god knows where.

It’s just like Jim to have this effect on people, mainly Leonard, because even when he’s not around, all the doctor can feel is his sunshine personality and those hauntingly blue eyes watching his every move.  
  
Later that day – though it’s difficult to tell because they’re in the black and the darkness is a consistent – Leonard finds himself outside of Jim’s quarters and punching in his medical override code into the keypad near the door frame. 

The door slides open, allowing the lights from the hallway to spill into Jim’s darkened quarters and casts Leonard’s shadow across the carpeted floor. He steps inside and commands the lights to turn on, illuminating the room.  
  
Everything is as chaotic as Jim left it that morning: his command gold shirt is haphazardly draped over the side of the couch, his boots are next to the door to the head that Jim shares with Spock, and a book that lays face down on his desk is untouched. 

Leonard lifts the book – one of the paperbacks that Jim loves beyond all comprehension – and sees that the pages are worn and dog-eared. He has no idea where his friend left off and it pains him as he sets it down, wondering if he’ll ever know.  
  
If he’ll ever see Jim again.  
  
If the last words he’ll ever say to him was a tirade of frustration.  
  
Leonard thumbs the book’s tattered cover and swallows down the lump that threatens to suffocate him.

Or perhaps it’s the smell of Jim – of sandalwood, clean laundry, and mischief.

“Dammit kid,” he mutters to no one before he goes to Jim’s liquor cabinet and uncorks his whiskey, the good stuff that he hides behind the vodka and tequila. Leonard sits down on the couch with a generous glass of the amber liquid in his hand and sips as he surveys the room. 

Jim _should_ be here with him, excitedly telling him about how the Beta shuttle maneuvers and handles despite the doctor not caring. He should be bouncing around his quarters like a fucking puppy on uppers, but instead Leonard is sitting in a quiet room with only a glass of whiskey and the hum of the _Enterprise_ to keep him company.  
  
Figures he would realize his deepening feelings at a time like this because Leonard Leonard has horrible timing.  
  
And the universe is a cruel mistress.


	2. Chapter 2

He wakes up in Jim's quarters, disoriented and body rebelling from drinking on an empty stomach.

As the whiskey clears, Leonard realizes that the unkempt bed he's lying in is not his own and it smells of the shampoo that Jim uses. It makes his heart ache. 

Leonard untangles himself from the mess of sheets and blankets with a groan before he spies his half-emptied glass of whiskey sits on Jim's bedside table. There is a ring on the surface from condensation, which he wipes with his sleeve. 

Not that Jim would care because his desk is littered with the same rings, but Leonard is a guest and his mama raised him right.

Leonard shuffles out of the bedroom, leaning heavily against the door frame, and squinting at the main living space with tired eyes. He half expects Jim to stroll out of the head, toweling off his hair and being obnoxious because Jim is a morning person who doesn't need three cups of coffee before being able to face the masses. 

Except, the captain's quarters are unsettlingly quiet and Leonard decides to get out of them as soon as he can. He searches for his discarded boots, which he finds near the couch, and proceeds to pull them on when the door to the shared head opens.

Leonard looks up and sees Spock standing in the doorway, looking as though he is relieved until he sees the doctor sitting on the couch. He watches the glint in the Spock's eyes die and hears the sad, steady exhale of breath. "I thought…" Spock starts to say, his voice trailing off. His lips are still parted, as if he's going to speak again.

His reaction is so raw, so _human_ that Leonard is taken aback. It seems that Jim's disappearance isn't affecting just him.

"Sorry," Leonard apologies, his tone sincere and clear of any gruffness. "I came in to get the good whiskey since he drank my stash and I fell asleep."

Spock nods in understanding. "Yesterday was a taxing day for everyone," he says neutrally as he watches the doctor with those dark eyes.

"I'll see myself out," Leonard tells him as he goes back to lacing up one of his boots.

"Do not let me deter you from staying here," Spock says. "If you find comfort in being in Jim's quarters, I am sure that he would not mind."

Leonard shrugs. "I would find more comfort in finding the idiot," he laments, more to himself than to Spock.

"As would I," Spock replies.

Leonard gives the commander a side-long glance and lets out a frustrated sigh. "Just when I think that kid is going to learn from his mistakes and keep his ass in line, he does something else," he complains as he pulls on his other boot. He stops and stares at Spock. "For once, I would want him to not volunteer himself and just sit that stupid chair like he's supposed to."

"I believe that is not in the captain's nature," Spock responds.

Leonard shakes his head. "No. Common sense is _definitely_ not in Jim's nature." He focuses on getting his boot laced up because he can feel his irritation rising.

"You are displaying signs of anger," Spock tells him in that matter-of-fact tone that drives the doctor crazy. There is a softer overture, unlike other times.

"Aren't you angry at him?" Leonard grumbles as he looks at Spock. "I know that it's not your lot in life to show your emotions, but even _you_ must feel something about this."

Spock arches his brow and seems to think on this for a moment. "I feel," he begins, "a mixture of hurt, worry, and anger. None of it is directed at Jim, but rather at the situation."

"Tell you what, Spock," Leonard spits. "I'll be pissed off at the Golden Boy and you can keep your true feelings fixed on the situation."

"I do not understand."

"You enable him!" Leonard finally snaps, pointing his finger at Spock. The commander looks surprised (as surprised as a Vulcan can) at the doctor's outburst. "You question his idiocracy _after_ the fact and then blame everything else _but_ him!" Leonard can feel his cheeks burning. "He talked you into letting him fly out in the Beta shuttle! How do I know this? Scotty told me! You know Jim gets impulsive when he's bored and he does the _stupidest_ shit when he's bored! And now he's disappeared to god knows where. And with god knows who! For all I know, he's playing sex slave to a gaggle of female Orions and having the time of his damn life. Starfleet is actually considering that he's dead…"

Spock straightens his posture and places his hands behind his back. "I told Admiral Archer that the evidence does not conclude that the captain is decease. There is no debris field…"

"…maybe that – whatever the hell it is – incinerated him and that shuttle! He could be dead for all we know!"

"The life signs monitor would have provided evidence to support this theory," Spock interrupts. "It did not."

Leonard grits his teeth so hard that his jaw aches. "It doesn't matter what you told Archer or what the evidence supports! If we don't find him, they'll declare him missing in action and we'll be shipped off onto our next mission without ever knowing what the hell happened to him!"

He watches Spock nearly flinching at the sheer volume of his outburst. Instead of immediately responding, Spock waits Leonard out, allowing him to steady his breathing and collect himself before the commander speaks. "I will not allow that to happen," he tells Leonard.

His words should comfort Leonard, but instead it makes his stomach twist into knots. "I don't know if I believe you," he practically whispers. "You and your need to follow protocol."

"Protocol does not have its place in this state of affairs."

If Jim were here, he would probably drop dead from the shock of Spock's words. Hell, Leonard can hardly believe that the commander even said it aloud. 

 _God kid,_ Leonard thinks to himself as he balls his fists. _Just come home in one piece. I won't even get mad at you for this one. I'll let you skip going to Med Bay. Just come home._

"We will find him," Spock says aloud.

Leonard laughs bitterly. "Is that your human side or your logical side talking?"

"It is a gut feeling, as Jim would say."

It should make him feel better, but it doesn't.

 

* * *

 

Jim's presence isn't confined to his quarters or the bridge, but everywhere on the _Enterprise_.

It lingers in every corner, every nook. His voice – loud and boisterous – should be booming through the hallways as Jim _fucking struts_ his way to the bridge. Instead, there is an uncomfortable silence and even more uncomfortable glances from crew members. 

His absence is duly noted – _especially_ in Med Bay. Leonard has shut himself inside of his office, only coming out to use the head or refill his canteen with replicated coffee.

He occupies his time with paperwork and going through inventory – anything to keep him from studying the life signs monitor that is loaded on his PADD.

The thought of seeing those lines and numbers in flux, only to suddenly stop is too painful to watch. 

He wants Jim to stroll in to pester him with something mundane and tease him when Leonard gets frustrated with him. He wants to see Jim's nose wrinkle in distaste when Leonard calls him in an infant or a child (or an ignorant hick) before dramatically says his nickname with a roll of his eyes. 

More than anything, he just wants Jim to come bursting through the door like nothing happened. 

As Leonard lets out a heavy sigh, his comm beeps once, then twice. He reaches for it and flips it open, growling out a greeting.

"Sorry to bother yeh, doctor," Scotty says, his voice traveling through technology. "I was wonderin' if yeh had a chance to look over the life sign monitor."

Leonard swallows roughly. "I haven't had a chance," he replies, voice soft and sad.

"I understand," Scotty tells him. "If yeh want, I could look it over myself and comm yeh if I have any questions or find somethin' that looks off."

God bless the crazy Scotsman and his heart of gold. Leonard squeezes the bridge of his nose between pinched fingers and shakes his head. "I can do it," he says. "Just give me a little bit."

"Are yeh sure?"

 _No_ , Leonard thinks as his says, "yes" aloud.

He can hear Scotty clear his throat. "I can come by in a tick," he offers. "I'll even bring my good Scotch with me."

"Not the shit you _aren't making_ behind the turbines," Leonard snaps. "And don't act like you're not. Jim told me…" 

Tears prick his eyes at the mere mention of Jim's name and that horrible lump is forming in his throat once more. When he swallows, he feels his throat muscles struggling to move.

"We'll find him," Scotty tells Leonard when he arrives in Med Bay, standing in the doorway with a bottle of Scotch in hand. He looks just as shaken as the doctor feels, pale and stricken. "Yeh know we will."

Leonard doesn't say anything because if he does, he'll jinx their luck. Instead, he reaches for the tumblers that he keeps in his desk drawer and brings them out, setting them next to a stack of PADDs that need signatures. He and Scotty drink in silence, each man nursing the Scotch, which is actually pretty good.

Eventually, Scotty pulls Leonard's PADD over to him and flips through the readings of Jim's monitor, his murky blue eyes trained on the screen. "Say doctor, do yeh know the range on this?" the Scotsman asks as he looks up, his brow arched.

Leonard pinches his lips together, savoring the burn of alcohol in his mouth. "Range?"

"Aye," Scotty replies. "These things must have a limit. Yeh know - when the subject is out of range and we cannae get er receive information."

Leonard hasn't even thought about that. The thought has never crossed his mind and the idea rings in a whole new set of implications. "I don't know," he says, fumbling over his Scotch soaked tongue as he leans forward and snatches the PADD from Scotty.

He flicks through the device in an attempt to answer Scotty's question.

"I've never even thought about it," he admits as his fingertip slides over the screen. "We always have access to every crew member's monitor, even when they are planet side. It was never a question."

"Aye," Scotty says with a hint of sympathy in his voice. "Is it possible to turn it off? Yeh know...tamper with the monitor."

Leonard shrugs. "Anything is possible at this point," he sighs, setting down the PADD. "I can't find anything."

"That's something though," Scotty offers as he takes a sip from his tumbler. "Means that the monitor may have been tampered with and that Jim _is_ alive, despite what Archer may think." 

The Scotsman has a point. It should be comforting, but it's not. Not really. It means that Jim is being held against his will somewhere in the darkness and silence of space.

While the doctor is sure that the kid giving his captors a run for their money, the aching pain of worry in his stomach only grows. 

"I'll report back to the commander," Scotty tells him after the room has remained silent for too long. He has a worried expression on his homely face. "Yeh goin' to be okay, Len?"

Leonard bows his head and shrugs his shoulders. "Dunno yet," he whispers. "It seems like we just got him back…" 

He hears Scotty clearing his throat as he remembers their face off with Khan. Leonard feels for the man, since he was the one who found Jim barely crawling towards the door as the kid's life slipped through his fingers. 

"We should have never let him go on that shuttle," Leonard utters, non-accusatory, as he shakes his head slowly. "He should have stayed on the bridge…"

He feels Scotty's hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't help to dwell on it now," Scotty replies as squeezes it gently. "All we can do it find him."

"What if we can't," Leonard practically moans as he lifts his head, his eyes bright with alcohol and unshed tears.

Scotty makes that face he gets when he's unsure and he resembles a teenaged boy. "I guess we just keep searchin' 'til we find the lad," he says.

He tilts the tumbler in his hand towards his lips with a shrug and drinks. Scotty always sees the bright side in every situation and there are times when he says something that is utterly profound.

It makes Leonard wish that he wasn't such a pessimist.

 

* * *

 

He's back in Jim's quarters at the end of his shift with something he picked up from the mess hall and the warmth of alcohol burning in his blood. 

Leonard could go back to his quarters and save himself from more irritation in the morning when he wakes up and Jim isn't there. He rationalizes that being in Jim's personal space is helping him keep his sanity in check and that someone needs to be there in case if Jim suddenly reappears in the middle of the night. 

Because he _would_ do that.

Spock hears Leonard puttering around the head and pokes his head into Jim's quarters with a quizzical expression on his face when he sees the doctor. He says nothing which is very unlike him, and disappears back into his quarters without another word. 

Leonard falls asleep wrapped up in sheets and blankets that smell of Jim, the scent wafting into his nostrils and lulling him to sleep. 

He isn't surprised when he dreams of Jim, though it stings. 

They are everywhere and nowhere: Leonard's single back at the Academy, Jim's apartment in downtown San Francisco, the bar they frequent in North Beach that is almost as old as the city itself (and the most disgusting bathrooms Leonard has ever seen), that dim sum place in old Chinatown, Leonard's quarters on the _Enterprise_ , his office in Med Bay.

Their scenery changes intermittently and Leonard's subconscious cannot keep up, but one thing remains the same. 

Jim is there and he's safe. His eyes are bright, his smile brighter. Leonard can practically feel Jim's hand on his shoulder or his fist connecting with his bicep as Jim playfully punches him when Leonard steals his dim sum. 

His laugh is so clear it's like Jim is in the room with him when the sound thrusts the doctor into consciousness, shouting Jim's name. 

Leonard rolls to his side and props himself up on his elbow, breathing heavily as the twilight of his dreams fade. He gulps down oxygen and exhales unsteadily, realizing that he's alone.

There is nothing worse than that.


	3. Chapter 3

One thing's for certain: Leonard has absolutely no idea when he fell in love with James T. Kirk. 

It was a gradual progress and happened as naturally as their friendship. One day it dawned on the doctor as if he forgot to get more milk. Perhaps it was a look or something Jim said, but when Leonard saw him, it was like he was seeing the kid for the first time. 

His eyes were brighter (if that was even humanly possible), his laughter more contagious, that smile which usually prompted Leonard to roll his eyes made the doctor's knees weak.

Leonard kept his feelings to himself, mostly for self-preservation.

The kid was not picky when it came to sexual partners. The option of _actually_ making a move on him was plausible (and possibly welcomed), but Leonard didn't want to chance it. 

He didn't want to ruin their friendship that meant more to him than anything in the universe. He didn't want to be vulnerable and he certainly didn't want to get hurt. 

He didn't want to lose Jim.

The irony of the current situation did not fall unnoticed to the doctor. It's been a week since Jim's disappearance and no one has answers to explain a single thing. 

Each day is getting harder because despite Spock not saying it, there is less of chance that they will find Jim as time goes on. The crew is working around the clock on monitoring channels of communication, coming up with theories, and working with other Starfleet ships that offer their assistance.

Archer has officially named Spock the acting captain. "Until we find him," he tells Spock and Leonard over a video communique. The older man's face is like stone, but the doctor can see the pleading in his eyes. 

So Spock takes command of the ship. He doesn't sit in the chair and opts to circle around it, keeping a safe distance from the sleek leather and metal like he's afraid if his rear end even touches it, Jim will walk in with a scowl on his face. 

It surprises Leonard; he never expected this type of behavior from the stoic commander. He always thought that Spock was a smug son of a bitch. Now he observes the commander as he respects Jim despite his absence.

Of course a lot of things should stop surprising the doctor and he rues his naivety at his age. 

Leonard is sitting at a table by himself in the mess hall, his fork settled between his fingers and staring off into space. 

Literally.

He's seated at their table under the viewport, watching as the stars glint back at him. They are keeping secrets from Leonard, twinkling like the blue of Jim's eyes and seemingly saying _we know where he is_.

Leonard knows that this is ridiculous and it's just his frustration ebbing at his psyche. He keeps himself occupied with work, meeting with Spock or Scotty, and taking it upon himself to clean Jim's quarters. 

It's an old habit of Leonard's; when he gets stressed out, he cleans and doesn't stop until the last tendrils of annoyance, irritation, or worry is tossed into the trash compactor along with the rest of the mess. 

He scrubs the joint head which Spock catches him doing and thankfully doesn't stop him or say a word, puts Jim's clothing, sheets, and towels into the fresher, tidies the kid's quarters until one could eat off of every surface inside of it.

Leonard reasons that _when_ Jim comes back, he will be too tired or busy to do any of this himself and that Jim would do the same for him.

The latter is true and Leonard knows from personal experience that Jim - despite being a cyclone of mischief - is just as much of a neat freak as the doctor. 

So he dusts, he straightens, he folds, and puts things away until Leonard is exhausted and passes out on the couch, his thoughts turning to Jim and his amusement when he sees what Leonard has done. When he wakes up, the pang of Jim's absence is more palpable than before.

As he loses himself in his thoughts, Leonard doesn't notice that Carol Marcus has sat down across from him until Leonard hears her unwrapping her silverware. He looks at her like he's coming out of a dream and she flashes him a sympathetic smile. 

"Carry on," she says sweetly. "I figured that even if you don't want to talk, the company would be welcomed."

Leonard nods. "How long have you been sitting here?" he asks, embarrassed.

"Not long," Carol assures him.

Leonard clears his throat uncomfortably as he watches Carol take a bite of her salad. "Sorry," he finally musters after a few minutes of gawking at her. He sees her golden brows furrow into a frown.

"Leonard," she says, "there is no need to apologize. I knew when I came over here that you probably were not in the mood to talk and to be honest, I like silence sometimes."

He smiles at this because Carol always knows how to put people at ease. It's one of her many gifts. "Thanks," he tells her. He lets out a sigh. "I guess I haven't been myself lately."

Carol shrugs, her blonde bob swinging with the movement of her body. "I don't think anyone can blame you for that. I think this has thrown everyone." 

He notices how Carol does not put an uncomfortable name to the situation, like so many others have done. She doesn't skirt around it either, though she treads as gently as she can.

"Yeah," he agrees, his voice sounding far away as he glances back out the viewport. Leonard has no idea how much times has passed, probably a few minutes at the most, when he feels Carol's hand on his. He looks up, catching her staring at him.

Carol tilts her head at him. "We'll find him, you know," she says with absolute certainty. "Jim Kirk is not easy to get rid of and you know that he'll come tearing in here like nothing happened." 

Leonard nods mutely and sees the knowing expression on Carol's face as she smiles at him. 

"Maybe you can tell him how you feel," she adds with a gentle squeeze of her hand against his own. Carol must see that Leonard is puzzled and trying to figure out how she knew. "You're fairly easy to read, doctor."

Leonard doesn't realize that his jaw has dropped open until he tries to from a sentence. "How?" he finally asks.

Carol retracts her and shrugs before she digs into her meal. "A lady never tells her secrets," she replies, coyly. She wrinkles her nose at him and motions to Leonard's untouched plate of food. "Eat. We can't have you collapsing in the hallways."

Leonard complies and eats, the food weighing him down like lead. 

The next day Archer comms Spock to tell him that the _Endeavor_ will be rendezvousing with the _Enterprise_ to assist in the search and rescue efforts. 

Spock makes the announcement from the bridge, his voice traveling all over the ship and into Leonard's office as he makes a valiant attempt to work. 

It's not Archer's way of saying that Spock and his crew are doing an inadequate job of finding Jim, not in the least. It's a show of support from the aging admiral and the brass back at Starfleet; they want the captain found and will do anything in their power to ensure that happens.

Leonard sees Spock later that day when the commander passes him in the hallway near the mess. He is with Nyota, walking shoulder to shoulder, and they are conversing in Vulcan. Leonard has no idea what they are saying and yearns for Jim to be next to him, translating their conversation into the shell of the doctor's ear - most of it nonsense and entirely pulled out of the kid's ass. 

At least it would make him snort back a chuckle. 

"Doctor," Spock greets, his voice like cool water. His hands are assuming their usual position - clasped together and passed at the small of his back.

Nyota gives him a warm smile and pulls him into a comforting hug. "How are you, Leonard?" she asks when they part. Leonard can see the tired lines on her face, as he knows that she has been working tirelessly just like everyone else.

Leonard shrugs in response and it seems to appease Nyota. "I was just getting something to bring back to my quarters," he half offers as a semblance of conversation.

"Nyota and I were about to partake in some dinner," Spock announces in his usual formal manner. "Would you like to join us?" 

For some god forsaken reason, Leonard does and finds that Spock's company is almost enjoyable. He seems more at ease with Nyota is around and those stoic Vulcan mannerisms dissipate. Leonard watches as Spock almost smiles at something Nyota says and how he reaches across the table to caress her hand when the Vulcan thinks that the doctor does not notice.

It's strange to watch them - strange but comforting. 

He rationalizes it's because he doesn't want to be alone instead of admitting that the hobgoblin's company is welcomed. They don't talk about Jim's disappearance, but rather trade stories of his antics.

It's easier this way after all.

 

* * *

 

It's been five days since the _Endeavour_ arrived and almost two weeks since Jim's disappearance. The crew of the other starship is more than happy and willing to assist. They do so by working around the clock with the _Enterprise_ crew and are frequently in communication as the two starships hover side by side in the black. There is a steady stream of crew members beaming to and from each ship, rushing to work stations, various departments, and closed door meetings.

As Leonard walks the hallways, there is a sea of new faces commingling with familiar ones, all of them with their noses to their PADD screens and talking in hushed tones.

He is not immune to this, as the _Endeavour_ 's CMO, Doctor Gemma Franz, has offered her assistance in researching the sudden disruption of Jim's life signs monitor. She is a lithe woman with an equally lithe Eastern European accent and a shock of white blonde hair. She is a decade older than he and treats Leonard with both respect and sympathy when they first meet in the transporter room. 

Leonard finds himself conversing with the doctor on board the _Endeavour_ over the sudden drop in Jim's life signs monitor. It baffles everyone in the room, especially Scotty who is present for this meeting.

The three of them are in Leonard's office, studying their PADDS so much that it would make their Starfleet instructors proud. There are half eaten sandwiches and thermos of cold coffee on various surfaces. 

"I feel like I've stepped into the _Twilight Zone_ ," Dr. Franz finally pips up, glancing at Scotty and Leonard over the rim of her glasses.

Leonard pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. "You and me both." When he opens his eyes, the doctor is giving him a sympathetic smile. "Sorry."

"No need to apologize, Dr. McCoy," she tells him before turning to Scotty. "You mentioned the possibility of someone tampering with the device, rendering the feed useless."

Scotty nods. "Aye, except I cannae find any materials supportin' that. It seems this has never happened before," he explains as he passes his PADD to Dr. Franz. "I contacted the manufacturer in Tokyo and spoke with their head engineer for hours. The device never goes out of range - which was my original theory - and the only plausible explanation is fairly farfetched."

"We're in deep space, Mister Scott," Dr. Franz says with a bit of humor in her voice. "Everything is far fetched out here."

Scotty grins stupidly. "Ah lassie, yeh have no idea how right yeh are," he exclaims, much to Dr. Franz's amusement. "Mr. Fumi's theory was that someone tampered with the device by delivering a shock to where it's implanted. Cudda been done with a phaser set to stun, perhaps a taser… somethin' to overload the device so that the signal on our end drops out."

"That could explain why his monitor sudden stopped," Leonard reasons.

Dr. Franz nods at this as she takes off her glasses. "Plausible," she says, unsure. "But you would assume that the captain's vitals would spike from the shock. I saw the loop that Dr. McCoy sent over to me when the _Endeavour_ arrived and the captain was calm."

"Perhaps he was taken by surprise?" Scotty offers.

Both Leonard and Dr. Franz shake their heads. "Dr. Franz is right: Jim's vitals would have spiked from being shocked."

"Unless he was too preoccupied," Scotty tells them.

Leonard leans back in his chair. "Jim can have tunnel vision," he admits. He can recall every single time he's had to tear Jim away from something because he was on the verge of becoming obsessive.

"Mr. Scott, did the engineer say if a certain voltage could render the device useless immediately so that it wouldn't register additional vitals?" she asks. "If the assailant knew exactly where to shock the captain, it could immediately render the device inoperable, could it not?"

Scotty thinks about this for a few minutes, jutting out his lower lip and furrowing his brow as he mulls over the doctor's theory. "I'll need to think that over," Scotty finally tells Dr. Franz. "It's entirely plausible, but I need to look over the specs that Mr. Fumi sent over."

They adjourn no closer to figure out this mess than they were before. Frustrated, Leonard replicates dinner in Jim's quarters and hides from the rest of the crew. As he's sitting down at Jim's desk with the hot plate of food, the chime to the door rings. Leonard answers, trying to contain his emotions, and is surprised that it's Dr. Franz on the other side. When the door slides open, she gives him a sad smile.

"I know what it's like," she says after Leonard invites her in. "To have a loved one go missing."

Leonard doesn't say anything because it's the hundredth time someone has told him this. He hates hearing it and wants to scream when someone, who has the best intentions, says that. Each time he hears it, Leonard feels like someone is picking at the wound, peeling off the stab and reopening the barely healed flesh. 

Except he knows until they find Jim or discover his fate, the wound will never heal. Not really.

"My first husband went missing about twenty years ago," she explains in a soft, melodious voice. "He was on a terrain mission with three other crew members when we lost contact with the landing party. A few days later, the captain sent down a search and recovery team…"

Leonard nods. "What did they find?"

"Nothing," Dr. Franz sighs, her gaze trailing off towards a shelf of honest to god paperback books. She moves towards it and kneels down, running her fingers along the worn and battered books with a smile. "I never found out what happened to him. It took many years for me to make peace with it and luckily my second husband is a patient man."

Leonard can't help himself and is almost appalled he spits, "How the hell is this story supposed to make me feel better?"

Dr. Franz tilts her head as she looks at him, a small smile touching her lips as she rises to her feet. "It's not," she admits. "I've never met Captain Kirk, but I know of his reputation. That boy was born into dire circumstances and has repeatedly come back and proved everyone wrong."

"Oh," Leonard says dumbly as he realizes what she is saying. "My apologies."

Dr. Franz waves a dismissive hand. "You are under a lot of stress," she replies.

"It's no excuse," Leonard counters in a whisper. He clears his throat and looks up at her with hollow eyes, devoid of the mask he wears during the day. "And I am sorry. You and your crew have been incredibly helpful with assisting us."

Dr. Franz shrugs her shoulders. "Starfleet is one large, dysfunctional family. We help our own."

Eventually she leaves and Leonard's appetite is gone. He dumps the food in the trash compactor and leaves Jim's quarters to sleep in his own - for once. 

The day has been exhausting - both emotionally and mentally - and Leonard's surprised that he musters up the energy to take a quick sonic shower, much less pull on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before face planting in his bed. 

As his eyes drift shut, Leonard sees the screen of his PADD illuminating his darkened bedroom and thinks to himself, _I should probably turn that over_ , before sleep lulls him into darkness.

 

* * *

 

It feels like minutes have passed when the chirping of his PADD wakes him. Leonard grumbles as he rolls over and grabs the offending device, catching that it's currently four in the morning on his chronometer. 

"Damn piece of…" Leonard begins to curse when he notices a report blinking at him and the doctor swears that his heart stops.

It's Jim's life signs monitor. Leonard touches the screen and brings it up, letting out a gasp when he seems the lines that were once dead and flat, flaring back to life. 

He blinks, his mouth going to dry as he stares at the screen.  _It's impossible_ , Leonard thinks to himself in a half-awake state. He continues to stare, watching as the lines ebb and flow. "Blood pressure ninety over sixty, pulse sixty-three, temperature is thirty-nine point one," he mutters to himself.

He leaps out of bed, the PADD in hand, and runs out of his quarters towards Spock's, his heart pounding wildly in time with his bare feet. 

As he turns a corner, he nearly collides with Spock. They stare at each other, both of them out of uniform and disheveled, vulnerable even. Leonard opens his mouth and finds that words are failing him.

He swallows and holds up his PADD with a trembling hand. "His vitals just went back online," he says hoarsely.

"The _Carpathia_ just contacted our Gamma shift communications officer to inform us that they have found the Beta shuttle," Spock says, his voice raw with emotion. "We are needed on the bridge."

No one needs to tell Leonard twice as he takes off towards the bridge with Spock right behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

They waste no time rushing to the bridge, neither one of them caring about the odd looks they receive as Spock and Leonard burst onto the bridge. 

“Commander,” says the communications officer as he turns around in his seat, “Captain Sutherland is on the line.” 

Spock nods. “On screen,” he orders without hesitation.

Leonard watches as the Vulcan makes himself look dignified despite his current appearance as Captain Sutherland appears on the view screen.

“Commander Spock,” Sutherland greets, his voice tight.  
  
Spock inclines his head. “Captain Sutherland,” he says. “I would like to extend my gratitude on behalf of the _Enterprise_ and her crew in locating Captain Kirk.” 

Sutherland looks uncomfortable as he presses his lips together, which disappear under his blonde mustache.

For a single, terrible moment Leonard thinks that the readings on his PADD are obsolete.  _Oh god_ , he thinks in a panic. _Please no. Please kid, don’t be dead._

“What is it, captain?” Spock inquires, reading Sutherland’s discomfort like a book. “What is Ji- Captain Kirk’s status?”  
  
Sutherland clears his throat. “He is alive and is currently in our Med Bay. I have yet to go down to see him, as I wanted to notify you as soon as we towed the shuttle on board.”  
  
“I do not understand,” Spock says. “Why did the _Carpathia_ have to assist in relocating the shuttle?”  
  
Sutherland straightens his posture. “Commander, I believe that it would be best if we discuss this in a more private setting,” he urges.  
  
Leonard glances at Spock, whose dark eyes were on him. “Spock,” he whispers, half-begging.  
  
“Officer Marlow, please forward the video comm to the captain’s ready room. Please notify Admiral Archer of the current situation and tell him that I will be in contact with him within the hour,” Spock orders, his eyes still on Leonard. “Dr. McCoy, if you will follow me.”  
  
They hurry into the ready room, where Sutherland is already on screen and waiting patiently. He waits until Leonard and Spock are seated before speaking. “What happened?” Leonard blurts out as soon as his ass touches the seat.  
  
Sutherland gives Leonard a curious look, which Spock notices. “Captain, this is Doctor Leonard McCoy, the _Enterprise_ ’s Chief Medical Officer,” Spock states. “I believe that it is necessary that he is present for this conversation as he has the most insight into Captain Kirk’s medical history.”  
  
Sutherland nods. “Very well,” he says. “At three-fifteen this morning, our Gamma shift helmsman noticed a Starfleet shuttle off the port bow. She and our communications officer made multiple attempts to contact the shuttle before notifying me. During a routine scan, we picked up signs of a single life form on board. We also scanned the systems of the shuttle. It seems that the main engine lost power about six hours ago and was running on reserves. I made the decision to tow the shuttle in.”  
  
Leonard looks down at the PADD in his hand and goes to the monitor, searching to see when it went back online. “The time matches up,” he tells Spock in a low voice.  
  
Spock raises a brow. “What about the captain?” he asks Sutherland.  
  
“Our CMO, Dr, Ta’al, is stabilizing him as we speak,” Sutherland tells them. “My commander was there when they opened the shuttle and conveyed that Captain Kirk was…in a bad state.”  
  
Leonard swallows down the sick feeling that is rising to his throat. “How bad, captain?”  
  
“At this time, I do not know,” Sutherland admits. “I will have Dr. Ta’al contact you as soon as she is able to update you on Captain Kirk’s status.”  
  
Leonard feels his cheeks burning and a sharp retort on his tongue when he hears Spock defuse the tense situation. “Captain,” he says mildly, “what are your current coordinates?”  
  
Sutherland gives Leonard a look before turning back to Spock. “We are currently orbiting Belta,” he answers. “I am having my helmsman set a course for your location, per Admiral Archer’s comm from last week.”  
  
“What is your estimated time of travel?” Spock inquires.  
  
“About thirteen hours,” Sutherland replies.  
  
Spock raises a brow. “Captain, it would be more logical if the _Enterprise_ comes to you, as we have higher warp capabilities.”  
  
“I will have my helmsman forward our coordinates right now,” Sutherland replies as he looks down at what Leonard presumes is his PADD and begins typing on the screen.  
  
Spock nods. “Thank you. If your schedule permits, I would like you to join myself and Admiral Archer on a conference comm to debrief him.”  
  
“Of course,” Sutherland agrees. His expression softens. “Commander, I must say that I am relieved that we were able to assist you and your crew in some way. It goes without saying that I am glad that we found Captain Kirk alive.”  
  
Leonard watches as Spock’s composure momentarily falters as the reality of the situation sets in. Spock gives him a weak smile. “We are grateful, captain,” he replies in a soft, very un-Vulcan tone before clearing his throat. “We will speak shortly.”  
  
“Yes, Commander,” Sutherland says. “Dr. McCoy.”  
  
The screen goes to the Starfleet insignia and Spock is already out of his seat, heading for the bridge. He turns towards Leonard when he stands in front of the door, looking lost. “I am going to make a ship wide announcement before going into a meeting with Admiral Archer and Captain Sutherland,” he announces. “Will you be in your quarters or in Med Bay so the communications officer knows where to direct Dr. Ta’al’s call?”  
  
“I’ll be in Med Bay,” Leonard says automatically, the sick feeling returning. Something about the lack of information on Jim’s current state does not sit right with him.  
  
It’s not Captain Sutherland’s fault as the doctor knows that he made the right call by notifying the _Enterprise_ as soon as possible. The captaincy is filled with bureaucratic bullshit and protocol, as Jim has complained about in the past - so this is no different.  
  
Spock nods. “Very well,” he says. For a moment, it seems that he is about to leave. “It would be appreciated if you update me on Jim’s status once you speak to Dr. Ta’al.”  
  
Leonard nods. “Of course,” he says roughly.  
  
They separate, Spock going towards the bridge and Leonard heading to his quarters to change into his uniform and go down to Med Bay to prepare for Jim’s arrival.

When he comes off the turbolift, he hears Spock’s voice over the intercom on the ship. “This is Acting Captain Spock. At precisely four in this morning, Earth Standard Time, the captain of the _USS Carpathia_ informed us that they have recovered the Beta shuttle and Captain Kirk, alive,” Spock says in a neutral tone. “We are setting a course for the planet Belta, where the _Carpathia_ is currently in orbit, and will arrive there in approximately seven hours. As your captain, I would like to express my gratitude for your diligence and professionalism during the past two weeks. You are to be commended. This Spock signing off.”  
  
Leonard realizes that he has stopped walking and is standing in the middle of the hallway, listening to the commander's voice. Other crew members have come out into the hallways - some in their sleeping clothes, others in uniform - looking bewildered at the news. In the distance, Leonard can see Scotty looking at him, silently asking if this is all a dream. Leonard nods his head in a daze before turning down the hallway towards his quarters.  
  
He goes through the motions of his morning routine in a fog and heads down to Med Bay as quickly as possible, where his staff are eagerly awaiting him. “Has Dr. Ta’al contacted me?” Leonard asks no one in particular.

They all shake their head and he’s not surprised. It hasn’t been long since the conversation with Captain Sutherland.  
  
Geoffrey M’Benga steps forward, his face etched in concern. “What do you need us to do, Len?” He is asking this as a friend.  
  
Leonard thinks about this for a long moment before saying in a voice filled with gravel, “Could you start prepping BioBed 3? Make sure that the privacy curtain is in place and that only medical or senior staff is allowed in the area. Have bags of his blood type ready to be used, as well as saline. I’ll find out what else we’ll need from Dr. Ta’al.” Leonard pinches the bridge of his nose and winces. “And have the surgical staff on standby as soon as we are two hours from Belta. Hopefully we’ll know more sooner than later.”  
  
The staff spreads out, rushing to follow his orders.

M’Benga remains, eyeing his friend and crossing his arms over his chest. Leonard motions the doctor to follow him into his office where he shuts the door. “How bad is it?” asks M’Benga.  
  
Leonard shrugs. “Captain Sutherland didn’t really say. He said that his commander conveyed that Jim was in a _bad state_ \- whatever the hell that means. His life signs monitor kicked back on and his stats are down.”  
  
“Let me see,” M’Benga says.  
  
Leonard hands him the PADD on his desk and brings up the monitor with a flick of his fingertip. “This is from an hour ago. His stats are rising from medical treatment, but they are still too low for my comfort.”

He watches M’Benga study the information in front of him. “Jim’s weak and his vitals are consistent with being on an out of commission shuttle with no supplies for some time. Maybe two to three days, four tops.”  
  
“Perhaps there is blood loss?” M’Benga inquires as he keeps his eyes on the PADD. Leonard nods in agreement.

“And dehydration,” he adds as M’Benga hands the PADD back to him. He cards a hand through his hair and lets out a heavy sigh. “This is a colossal clusterfuck,” he laments as his comm begins to beep. “McCoy.”  
  
“I have Dr. Ta’al from the _USS Carpathia_ waiting to be patched through,” says the voice of the Gamma shift communications officer.  
  
Leonard feels his stomach jolt. “Patch her through to my viewscreen,” he orders, sharing a wary look with M’Benga.  
  
“Do you want me to stay?” the other doctor asks. Leonard nods immediately. He’s the CMO, but he’s also human.

And he’s scared out of his goddamn mind.  
  
The viewscreen in his office lights ups and suddenly he is greeted by a woman with dark features and olive colored skin. She has the same tired expression he does when he’s just finished up a serious case. It makes him sympathize with her yet guts him at the same time. “Dr. McCoy,” she says with a hint of an accent. “Dr. Marina Ta’al.” Her dark eyes are on M’Benga before shifting back to Leonard.  
  
Leonard nods. “This is Dr. Geoffrey M’Benga, my second in command,” he says, quickly making the introduction.  
  
“Dr. M’Benga,” Dr. Ta’al echoes. She lets out a heavy sigh as a strain of curly black hair falls against the side of her face. “Let’s get down to business, shall we?”  
  
It’s a knee jerk reaction when Leonard asks, “How is he?”  
  
Dr. Ta’al, who was about to speak, looks at Leonard, her dark eyes kind and gives him a comforting smile. “He is stable and resting,” she assures him. “When Captain Kirk was recovered, he was dehydrated so we started him on a saline drip - the old fashion way. I am going to start him on another drip in keep him on the intravenous fluids, slow and steady. There is a deep puncture wound on his left thigh. Someone treated it with a field dressing, but because it was left untreated for over thirty-six hours, an infection has set in.”  
  
“How serious is it?” M’Benga asks.  
  
“It’s non-life threatening. I irrigated the wound and changed the dressing as we started the captain on antibiotics,” Dr. Ta’al replies in a similar tone that Leonard used when he worked in a terran hospital - that professional, clinical tone filled with sympathy.  
  
Leonard presses his thumb to his lips, chewing on the fingernail. “Fever?”  
  
“It was at thirty-nine point three when we brought him on board, but it’s starting to respond to the medication. Before I came into my office to contact you, it dropped a degree. We will monitor its progression and will make adjustments to his antibiotics if the need should arise,” she explains. “There is facial bruising, but we are using a regen unit to clear that up. Scans showed fractured metacarpals on both hands and his eleventh and twelfth ribs are broken. An osteoblast has been applied to mend his ribs and his left metacarpal, but there is an abnormal tetany of his right hand.” 

Leonard raises a brow and shoots M’Benga a worried glance. 

“It’s probably an effect of the electrolyte imbalance, but the captain’s hand is locked in a fist,” Dr. Ta’al continues on as she reaches for a glass of water. She sips it before speaking again. “Due to the injury on that extremity, I felt that it would be better suited for you as his primary physician to determine its origin. We also performed the standard neurological tests once he was stabilized and Captain Kirk has brainwave function. His pupils are equally round and responsive to light. And the captain’s reflexes are still intact - a good sign.”  
  
Leonard wants to let out a sigh of relief, but it’s nearly impossible. 

 _He could have been dead, you idiot_ , Leonard silently reminds himself as he lets the doctor’s words sink him.

He knows in his marrow that things could have been so much worse and that he should thank his lucky stars that Jim is mostly in one piece. “We have a feed of his life signs,” Leonard finally says as he reaches for his PADD, “and I saw that his oxygen levels were low.”  
  
“Yes,” she says. “His respirations are on the low end of normal - possibly depressed by the infection process and dehydration. He’s currently on a mask, but I’ll probably switch it to a nasal cannula in a few hours, pending no complications.”  
  
Leonard and M’Benga look at each other, both men processing the information amidst the shock and relief of Jim being found. His condition wasn’t ideal, but Dr. Ta’al seemed more than capable of handling it - for which Leonard was eternally grateful. 

“Captain Sutherland mentioned that when the shuttle was opened that the commander said that Jim was in a bad state,” Leonard asks. “Could you elaborate?”  
  
Dr. Ta’al looks uncomfortable and takes several moments to think of a response. “Captain Kirk was conscious when he was recovered, but unresponsive.”  
  
“Unresponsive how?” M’Benga interjects, looking worried.  
  
Dr. Ta’al sighs. “He was nonverbal,” she elaborates, choosing her words carefully. “I am sure that his ordeal was mentally and emotionally taxing. I recommend that he speaks with your ship’s counselors before returning to active duty to ensure that he is not suffering from post-traumatic stress.”  
  
“He was nonverbal?” Leonard asks, surprised. “That doesn’t sound like him. He’s the most talkative son of a bitch I’ve ever met; can’t get the damn kid to shut up!”  
  
Dr. Ta’al chuckles at this. “He is also suffering from acute exhaustion, Dr. Leonard. As soon as we transferred him from the anti-grav gurney to the BioBed, he was out like a light.”  
  
“Can you forward his chart?” Leonard knows that she will, but it doesn’t hurt to use professional courtesies.  
  
Dr. Ta’al nods. “Of course,” she says. “I’m finishing the preliminary report right now and either myself or my head nurse will send you hourly updates on his condition.”  
  
“Thanks doctor,” Leonard says, truly meaning it. “We appreciate everything you’ve done for him.”  
  
She smiles at this. “I have no doubt that you and Dr. M’Benga would do the same for one of our own.”  
  
After the exchange of pleasantries between Dr. Ta’al and M’Benga, as Leonard mulls over the situation in silence, the comm ends and reality truly sets in. They review Dr. Ta’al’s report and make additions to Jim’s treatment plan for when he is transferred back onto the _Enterprise_. 

M’Benga goes to inform the staff while Leonard comms Spock to bring him in the loop. The commander takes the news as well as someone of Vulcan ancestry can. When Leonard is done explaining Jim’s injuries, he waits for Spock to say something. 

The man on the other end is quiet and it’s too unnerving for Leonard not to say something. “Once he’s home, he will make a full recovery,” Leonard assures him.

“I know,” Spock says. “I will inform Admiral Archer of his condition.”  
  
The comm ends as an update to Jim’s medical file on board the _Carpathia_ comes through. Leonard leafs through it and finds himself looking at information that absolutely renders him speechless. He hastily asks the communications officer to patch him back through to Dr. Ta’al.

"What lacerations?” he barks instead of doing the polite thing and saying hello as soon as Dr. Ta’al appears on screen. His breathing is rapid and his heart is pounding wildly.  
  
Dr. Ta’al is flipping through her PADD and nods. “There are faded marks from lacerations on his stomach, back, buttocks, and thighs,” she explains. “It looks like some of them were treated with a regen unit, but after a deep tissue scan, we were able to see the remaining damage more clearly.”  
  
“Remaining damage?” Leonard practically yells.  
  
Dr. Ta’al is calm because one of them should be and it’s certainly not Leonard. “I am not going to beat around the bush, Dr. McCoy. I believe that Captain Kirk was beaten at some point during his disappearance, possibly tortured. The healed lacerations are consistent with a whip of some sort and with multiple lashes.”  
  
“Jesus,” Leonard breathes in disbelief and anger.  
  
“They healed clean, thanks to someone with medical training. I think once the worst of the captain’s injuries have healed, you could give a few regen treatments to the remaining scars,” Dr. Ta’al assures him.  
  
Leonard swallows back a retort and moves to the other piece of information that bothers him. “You have his weight listed at seventy-nine point three kilos,” Leonard grunts.  
  
“Yes, that is the weight that the BioBed registered during his intake.”  
  
Leonard arches a brow. “That is a good ten kilos under his normal weight!” He bites his lip and buries his face in his hands, shaking his head. “Goddammit Jim! What the hell happened out there?”  
  
“Do you need a moment?” Dr. Ta’al asks patiently.  
  
Leonard shakes his head. “No,” he says through his hands before lifting his head. “No. Thank you for the clarification, doctor.”  
  
“I will let you know if I find anything else or if his condition changes,” she offers.  
  
It’s a nice offer, but he knows that there isn’t much that will change in regards to his vitals.

As he disconnects the communique with a goodbye, Leonard feels sick with worry.

 

* * *

  
When they are thirty minutes out, Spock comes down to Med Bay to confer with Leonard on how to handle Jim’s transfer on board the ship. It’s the first time that Leonard seen him since the early morning hours. Spock has been stuck in meetings with the admiralty when he isn’t conversing with Captain Sutherland. 

Now that Spock is now standing right in front of him, he can see the tired lines around the commander's dark eyes. “I believe given the circumstances,” Spock says as he stands ramrod straight in Leonard’s office despite being bone weary, “that a medical shuttle would be more appropriate than having Jim beamed on board.”  
  
Leonard nods in agreement. “That works,” he replies in a tired voice.  
  
“What is the captain’s current status?” Spock inquires.  
  
“He is still unconscious, but resting comfortably,” Leonard says automatically. “I would like to request that we clear the hallways when Jim is transferred to Med Bay.”  
  
Spock arches his brow. “I agree,” he tells Leonard. “It would be wise to afford the Captain some privacy while he is unable to request it himself.”  
  
“So it’s settled,” Leonard replies as he rubs the exhaustion from his eyes.  
  
Spock nods. “Indeed.” A moment passes before the commander speaks again. “There is a ninety-four point six percent chance that I will be preoccupied with paperwork and other Starfleet protocols while Jim is being transferred back.”  
  
“And?” Leonard asks in a biting tone. He’s too tired for Spock’s calculations and wonders why the damn hobgoblin can’t speak like a normal person.  
  
Spock raises his damn brow again. “In the likelihood of this happening, I would like you to convey to Jim that I am pleased that he has returned and that I will come down to Med Bay to see him as soon as I am able.” Leonard can only nod his head in fear of cursing at the commander for being unpredictable (and for admitting that he is truly touched by what Spock has said).  
  
Time seems to rush by and soon, Leonard finds himself being escorted by Captain Sutherland’s yeoman to the _Carpathia_ ’s Med Bay. 

Spock has been whisked off to meet with Captain Sutherland and will probably be ensconced there long after Leonard has gone back to the _Enterprise_. With each footstep, Leonard can feel his nerves forming a lump in his throat. His palms are sweating and the collar of his uniform is suddenly too tight. 

Outside the Med Bay is Dr. Ta’al. She is tall woman and gives Leonard a warm smile upon his approach. Her handshake is steady and firm. “It is nice to meet you in the flesh,” she says as she guides him into Med Bay, “despite the unpleasant circumstances.”  
  
He nods in agreement, half listening as Leonard cranes his head to look for Jim.

The space is fairly empty with the exception of Dr. Ta’al’s staff who are busying themselves with various tasks. Dr. Ta’al must notice Leonard’s lack of attention. “He’s this way,” she says kindly, gesturing towards the far end of the _Carpathia_ ’s Med Bay.  
  
It feels like the other side of the universe as Leonard follows the doctor, his heart pounding against his ribs with each step. He’s seen the charts and studied the data, but it’s just words and numbers.

It’s not Jim – not really. It’s not him in the flesh and brings no comfort to Leonard. 

Not until he lays eyes on the kid. It will be real then. 

“How are his vitals?” Leonard finally manages to ask.  
  
She nods. “They are holding steady. His fever went down and leveled out about two hours ago. It’s still not where I’d like it, but it will suffice given the short amount of him he’s received treatment,” she explains as they walk.  
  
“Is he still…” Leonard asks, his voice trailing off as they come up to a privacy curtain, blocking the perimeter around a BioBed that beeps steadily with a person’s vitals - Jim’s vitals. 

A faint outline of a body – _Jim’s body_ – can be seen through the material of the curtain, illuminated by the screens of the medical equipment.

It’s something and nothing at the same time.  
  
“He’s still unconscious,” Dr. Ta’al informs him. “He’s almost ready for another bag of saline, which we can hang before his transfer, and my nurse administered a hypo with a low dose of morphine an hour ago to keep him comfortable.” 

She must see how wound up Leonard is because she places a hand on his shoulder.

“Go on,” she urges. There’s pity in her voice. “I need to speak with my staff about some last minute details before we prepare to transfer him back to the _Enterprise_.”  
  
Leonard nods numbly as he takes a tentative step forward. Panic rises in his throat. He’s ready for this - hell, he’s been ready for this since Captain Sutherland’s comm, but seeing Jim will also make the horror of his disappearance real.

He swallows nervously and feels his eyes widening.  
  
“Are you alright?” Dr. Ta’al asks. When Leonard turns his head, she is holding her PADD to her chest and has a concerned expression on her face.  
  
“Just wonderin’ if I'm still dreamin’ is all,” Leonard reluctantly admits, keeping his voice low.  
  
Dr. Ta’al nods in understanding. “I’ll give you both some privacy,” she tells him with a small, knowing smile on her lips. “If you need anything, just hit the call button and either myself or one of the nurses will be right over.” She leaves before Leonard can acknowledge her.  
  
He finds himself standing several footsteps away from the privacy curtain. “Dammit kid,” he mutters under his breath as he forces himself to move because Jim is waiting for him and has been for the last seven hours. 

Leonard turns the corner and is greeted by the uncomfortable sight of Jim laying on the BioBed beneath two layers of thick blankets. 

Usually when Jim is injured from whatever misadventure he’s just come back from, even if he’s unconscious, he’s usually up within an hour and a constant stream of chatter and motion. He ducks from hyposprays, flirts with every nurse in Med Bay, and whines when Leonard orders him to lay the fuck back down (“Boooonnnnnesss! I’m _fine_!”).

Even when the kid can barely keep his eyes open, he is defiant and a brat until the very end.  
  
The still figure on the BioBed brings him back to when Jim’s body was brought into Med Bay, cold and lifeless. As the nurse unzipped the body bag, Leonard was sure that his heart would truly break as soon as he saw Jim’s face, serene in death. 

But they got lucky in the end.

Hell – Jim’s luck still hasn’t run out and if Leonard has any say, it never will.  
  
Jim’s face is tilted away from Leonard, exposing the familiar curve of a strong jaw. The plastic tubing of the nasal cannula is draped over Jim’s ear, traveling down the arc of his face and disappearing up the kid’s nostrils.

As Leonard draws closer, he can hear the rasping breaths passing through Jim’s parted lips. The half empty bag of saline hangs over the bed, connected to Jim’s arm via an IV line that disappears under the blankets. There have been many advances in medical technology, but sometimes the old fashioned way is the best when treating certain ailments. He can see the fading bruising that blemishes Jim’s fair skin and it instantly makes his blood boil.

Leonard presses his lips together as he steps closer, trying not to focus on Jim’s injuries, but the fact that he’s here and he’s alive. Leonard takes note of the steady rise and fall of the captain’s body as he walks to the foot of the BioBed.  
  
The doctor watches as Jim’s dark lashes break over too sharp cheekbones as he sleeps. He’s all pale and abraded skin, bruised under eyes, and chapped lips - so insignificant and small. Leonard swallows back the lump forming in his throat as he reaches for Jim’s leg.

He touches the blanket covered limb and gives it a gentle squeeze to assure Jim that someone is there with him. Or maybe it’s for Leonard’s benefit – to see that he’s not dreaming and that Jim is really here. Jim is warm and solid under Leonard’s touch.

He’s real and the knot of apprehension passes through the doctor on a shaky exhale.  
  
Leonard sits down on the stool next to Jim’s beside and eases the younger man’s wrist out from under the blankets, feeling the thrum of a pulse under his fingertips. He glances at the screen with his vitals, watching the numbers and lines flux with each passing second. 

The neurological monitor tells Leonard what he already knows – Jim is far into the comforting oblivion of sleep and hardly aware of his surroundings.

Despite this, Leonard decides that a familiar voice couldn’t hurt. “Jim,” he whispers his friend’s name like a prayer. Leonard brings a hand to stroke Jim’s hair, longer than he last remembers, and waits for the kid’s reaction.  
  
Jim, one who isn’t a fan of unwanted physical contact, doesn’t even flinch. He is still under Leonard’s ministrations, lost somewhere in dreams. 

“It’s me,” Leonard says a bit louder this time. “It’s Bones.”

He fingers the strands of dirty blond hair with his fingertips, damp from sweat, and feels the sting of tears in his eyes. His lower lip trembles as his hold on his emotions begins to slip. He bites back the sob threatening to escape as he laces his fingers between Jim’s, gently squeezing the kid’s limp hand. 

Leonard rests his head next to Jim’s, feeling the younger man’s stubble covered chin against his forehead. He closes his eyes, allowing tears to escape as Jim’s breath puffs against his hair.

“You’re safe now,” he whispers, not caring if Jim can hear him or not.


	5. Chapter 5

How long Dr. Ta’al leaves them Leonard cannot stay.

The bag of saline that looms over the BioBed is almost empty when she arrives with a nurse in tow. Leonard is sitting upright with a firm hold on Jim’s hand as he watches the younger man sleep when the doctor clears her throat. He glances up at her owlishly and confused before he remembers where he is. 

“My nurse is going to change the bag,” Dr. Ta’al announces in that same, gentle voice. She is holding a PADD against her chest, which she holds out to him. “If you could sign the transfer of care, we can start prepping the captain for transport.”  
  
Leonard nods mutely as he lets go of Jim’s hand to stand up. He takes the PADD from the doctor, giving her a nod of thanks before he starts to read over the documents on the screen. Leonard is vaguely aware of the nurse silently working on changing out the saline bag and the low murmur of Dr. Ta’al’s voice. 

Everything seems to be in order and Leonard is grateful that this other doctor is meticulous with her records.

“Could you forward a copy of this to my PADD?” he asks when he is done signing the forms and hands back the PADD.  
  
“Of course,” Dr. Ta’al says as she glances down at the PADD. “Everything is in order. Nurse Santi, could you notify the team that we will need the anti-grav gurney and attachments for the saline. I also want another round of antibiotics administered before he leaves the ship.”  
  
The nurse bobs her head. “Do you want to keep him on the cannula or should I grab an oxygen mask?”  
  
Leonard watches Dr. Ta’al ponder this before she says, “An oxygen mask would be easier for transport. Also, I want a thermal blanket added. Shuttles tend to get cold, even if the trip is short.”  
  
“Yes doctor,” Nurse Santi says before turning to leave, carrying the saline bag in her hand. She gives Leonard a small smile as she passes, which he is slow to return.  
  
Leonard hears a rustle by Jim’s bed. Dr. Ta’al is standing over her patient, checking his vitals with a tricorder and glancing up at the screen next to the BioBed every so often. “How does everything look?” Leonard asks.  
  
“As good as it can be, given the situation,” she replies, her attention fully focused on Jim. “I’ll send you my orders for his care along with his medical file, but it’s fairly straight forward.”  
  
Leonard nods. “Fluids, antibiotics, rest,” he answers.  
  
“Precisely,” Dr. Ta’al tells him. She glances up at him, her dark eyes brighter under the lights of Med Bay, and gives him a reassuring smile. “I have no doubts that Captain Kirk will be in capable hands.”  
  
Leonard returns the smile as several of the _Carpathia_ ’s medical staff join them. He watches in silence as they prep Jim for the shuttle; administering various hypos, attaching the saline drip to an IV pole that is connected to the anti-grav gurney. 

When a nurse pulls back the blankets, Leonard sees the edges of the dressing that cover the puncture wound on Jim’s thigh and his sock covered feet. His eyes travel up, noticing how Jim’s right hand is closed in a fist. The knuckles are covered in a sterile dressing, though Leonard can see the swelling that extends to the tips of Jim’s fingers, discoloring his skin. 

“Is this the abnormality you mentioned during our call?” Leonard asks.  
  
Dr. Ta’al peers down, one of her brows arched. “Ah yes,” she says. “That would be it.”  
  
Leonard tilts his head and reaches down to turn Jim’s closed fist over, studying the extremity with a critical eye. He lifts Jim’s arm, bringing his hand towards him for closer inspection. “Did someone try to extend his fingers?” Leonard asks.  
  
“When we attempted to place a regen unit over his knuckles,” Dr. Ta’al answers as she gently eases the nasal cannula from Jim’s face and replaces it with the oxygen mask. “He wouldn’t budge and we decided to leave it for the time being.”  
  
Leonard frowns as he continues to poke and prod his friend with a gentle touch. “How did his electrolytes look during the last panel?”  
  
“They’re up,” Dr. Ta’al tells him as she leans over Jim’s body and studies the younger man’s closed fist. “I’m not exactly pleased with the levels, but it’s an improvement.” She must see the concerned look on Leonard’s face. “What are you thinking?”  
  
Leonard glances at her and shrugs. “It could be anything,” he sighs as he lays Jim’s arm on the mattress of the BioBed. “I’ll rerun his panels when we get back to the ship and see what the results are before looking into other causes.”  
  
“Very well,” Dr. Ta’al replies as a nurse scoots between the doctor and Leonard. The nurse places a hypo in Dr. Ta’al’s hand and quietly murmurs in her ear.  
  
“We can be down there in ten minutes,” Dr. Ta’al affirms as she readies the hypo, placing it at the juncture of Jim’s neck and shoulder. She pulls the trigger, which hisses, and empties the contents into Jim’s body. “Let’s get him loaded onto the gurney.”  
  
“Do you need any help?” Leonard asks, feeling out of place in the Med Bay.  
  
Dr. Ta’al smiles at him and shakes her head, silently thanking him for his offer, before turning to Nurse Santi. “Could you notify Yeoman Baz to clear the hallways?” she asks as the gurney is brought next to the BioBed. 

The nurse disappears behind the privacy curtain, her hurried footsteps echoing in her wake. The sound dies, replaced by Dr. Ta’al’s voice as she counts.

Leonard turns back and sees the doctor and her nurses lifting Jim to the gurney, his body limp and boneless in their hands. 

As Jim’s backside touches the gurney, Leonard notices that his friend doesn’t even make a sound, save for his breath against the plastic of the oxygen mask. His head lolls to the side, brushing against the fabric of the pillow, as the medical team arranges him to a more comfortable position on the gurney.

Blankets are pulled up to Jim’s collarbones, cocooning him in warmth, followed by the thermal blanket that self-activates as soon as it touches the younger man’s body.  
  
“The hallways are cleared,” Nurse Santi says breathlessly as she reappears at Leonard’s side.  
  
Dr. Ta’al is running a tricorder over Jim, scrutinizing the results with a careful eye. “Thank you,” she tells the nurse, her eyes not leaving the device in her hands. “Everything looks good. Did Yeoman Baz notify the shuttle that they will be departing soon?”  
  
“Yes doctor,” the nurse says. “The shuttle pilot is speaking with the _Enterprise_ and will be ready to depart as soon as we arrive.” 

Their voices drop as Dr. Ta’al hands the tricorder to one of the nurses as Nurse Santi places a clear bag at the foot of the gurney. The sealed bag is filled with what looks to be clothing and a pair of boots, darkly stained in what Leonard believes to be blood and a possibly soot.

Staring at the rumpled effects makes Leonard’s stomach coil around itself as he thinks of what has befallen Jim.  
  
“Are you ready to take him home?” Dr. Ta’al asks, her voice breaking through his dark thoughts. She raises her brows and tilts her head, waiting.  
  
Leonard nods, which is good enough for the other doctor and her staff. He follows them as they push Jim out of the _Carpathia_ ’s Med Bay and into the deserted hallway. Everything moves in slow motion as Leonard trails behind the gurney, his eyes trained on the crop of messy hair that peaks over the top.

His mind is racing, thinking of what adjustments he wants to make to Jim’s medications, which books to carry down to Med Bay, what movies to load onto Jim’s PADD when the books stop entertaining him, how long Jim needs to remain in Med Bay before he’s allowed to return to the comfort of his own quarters. 

And lastly, how he’s going to tell Jim that under no uncertain terms he is in love with his best friend.

Though as much as Leonard hates to admit it, it’s really the first thing on his mind.  
  
They arrive at the Shuttle Bay, where the silence upon their arrival is deafening. The crew of the _Carpathia_ who are mingling with the medical shuttle crew stop speaking as the doors open. Leonard can see the worry etched in the faces of the shuttle crew as their eyes drift from Dr. Ta’al and her staff towards their captain. 

It is disturbing, Leonard admits to himself, to see Jim so weak and lifeless. He clears his throat and nods his head to the shuttle crew. “Let’s get him loaded,” he tells them, his voice lacking its usual gruffness.  
  
And they do load Jim onto the shuttle, securing the gurney and transferring the vital signs readout onto Leonard’s PADD. He checks Jim over, his hands touching the younger man’s body as gently as possible before he nods to the shuttle captain that they are ready to depart. Leonard goes to shake Dr. Ta’al’s hand and thank her, despite wanting to get the hell out of dodge and take Jim home. 

Home. 

Since Jim disappeared, the _Enterprise_ hasn’t felt like home - just a place filled with memories, possibilities, and the dreaded what ifs.  
  
“If it wouldn’t be too much to ask,” Dr. Ta’al says before her voice trails off and a flush rises to her cheeks, as if she’s overstepping her bounds.  
  
Leonard gives her a smile and nods. “I’ll send you an update when he wakes up,” he tells her. “And he’ll want to personally thank you.” 

The shuttle ride back to the _Enterprise_ is punctuated with the sounds coming from the gurney’s monitors and the sound of the pilot’s voice. Leonard doesn’t say much to the shuttle staff and opts to sit next to the gurney, his hand clasped over Jim’s shoulder and his eyes watching every movement, every inhale and exhale, and the way the oxygen mask fogs up. 

Before Leonard realizes it, they are landing in the shuttle bay. The area is devoid of people, per Spock’s orders.  
  
“The hallways are cleared, Dr. McCoy” says the pilot after they’ve landed.  
  
Leonard nods, hearing the hiss of the doors opening. He turns to see M’Benga poking his head in the shuttle and the momentary look of shock when his eyes rest on Jim.

As soon as it appears, the expression is gone and replaced by M’Benga’s usual stoic face. “How is the captain?” M’Benga asks as he steps inside.  
  
“Resting,” Leonard answers as he gives Jim’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Let’s transfer him to Med Bay and get him settled, then I’ll fill you in.”  
  
The transfer is easy enough and getting Jim situated in the BioBed is something that Leonard can do in his sleep. The oxygen mask is replaced with a new nasal cannula, sensors are put in place, and the bed is tilted to a comfortable recline. 

Leonard watches the BioBed activate and Jim’s vitals flash up on the screens that surround them. His eyes shift to Jim, who remains asleep despite the activity surrounding him. 

It’s unnerving to Leonard since Jim is always so full of energy, even when the kid does sleep. But even then he’ll twitch, make noise, or toss and turn.  
  
“His vitals look better from several hours ago,” M’Benga announces from the other side of the BioBed. When Leonard glances up, his friend gives him a knowing look.  
  
Leonard shakes his head in acknowledgement. “I want the antibiotic administered per Dr. Ta’al’s original orders and the puncture wound cleaned in two hours. Starting a regen unit on the wound is out of the question until the infection has cleared up,” he says, jumping into doctor mode. “Rerun his chem panel; the potassium, calcium and sodium are my concern. Dr. Ta’al believes that it’s the cause of the tetany of his right hand and I’m inclined to agree with her.”  
  
“What about a booster of glucose and protein?” one of the nurses asks.  
  
Leonard looks at her and nods. “Yes,” he says, “please.”  
  
“Dr. McCoy,” says a junior doctor as he looks up from the PADD in his hands. “Dr. Ta’al forwarded the captain’s chart.”  
  
“Good,” Leonard replies as the nurse hands the PADD to him. “Upload this to our files. Only the staff who are assigned to his case and Acting Captain Spock are permitted to have access. I forwarded the list of senior staff permitted to visit before I left and until Jim wakes up only those people are allowed visitation. Tell any crew members that the captain is resting and that you will convey your well wishes to him.” 

They converse about Jim’s treatment for a bit longer before the staff departs to work on their tasks, leaving Leonard and M’Benga with the unconscious captain.  
  
“I never thought I’d rue the day that Jim Kirk kept still,” M’Benga quips solemnly, breaking up the silence.  
  
Leonard and the doctor exchange a look before Leonard lets out a heavy sigh as he sinks into the chair next to the BioBed. “You and me both,” he says as he watches the steady rise and fall of Jim’s chest. “You and me both.”  
  
“Dr. Ta’al did a good job at patching him up,” M’Benga adds as he presses his PADD against his chest.  
  
Leonard nods in agreement, his eyes still trained on the captain. “She did a great job,” he replies softly. “I couldn’t have done better myself.”  
  
“You’re not one to be humble, Len,” M’Benga tells him.  
  
Leonard just shrugs in reply when a nurse pokes her head around the corner of the privacy screen. “Yes?”  
  
“Lieutenant Commander Scott is here to see the captain,” she says quietly.  
  
Leonard sits up as soon as he hears Scotty’s name and nods. “Bring him back,” he tells her.  
  
“I’m going to take my leave,” M’Benga announces as soon as the nurse departs. “I’ll let you know what the results of his panel are.”  
  
Leonard gives him a weak smile. “Thanks.”  
  
“Just doing my job,” M’Benga says, returning the smile. He’s about to leave when he stops. “And Len, you’ll let me know if _you_ need anything, okay?”  
  
All he can do is shrug and make no promises because Jim is Leonard’s first priority.

As soon as M’Benga leaves, the nurse appears with a nervous Scotty, who pokes his head warily around the privacy screen. 

“Hey,” Leonard says as he rises from the chair and gestures for Scotty to come forth.  
  
Scotty is tentative as he walks, his eyes on Jim and seemingly afraid that any sound will wake the captain as he sleeps. “Oh laddie,” he finally says in a soft tone that Leonard wasn’t sure that the Scotsman was even capable of, “yeh’ve really done it this time.” He looks to Leonard.  
  
“He’s sleeping,” Leonard explains as Scotty goes to the foot of the BioBed.  
  
Scotty’s fixed gaze does not dither from its subject. “I haven’t seen him this still since…” He hears Scotty swallowing roughly.

 _Since he died_ , Leonard silently completes the sentence in his head. He trades a worried look with the Scotsman. 

“I brought him one of his books,” Scotty says, breaking the uncomfortable silence as he holds up one of Jim’s books in his hand.  
  
Its hard cover is tattered from age and Jim. Leonard can barely make out the gold inlay on the spine, but judging by the small whale towards the top, he knows that it’s one of Jim’s favorites. “Good choice,” Leonard tells Scotty.  
  
Scotty shrugs. “The lad was always tryin’ to get me to read it,” he explains. “Never understood what was so excitin’ ‘bout a whale.”  
  
“It’s a classic,” Leonard says.  
  
Scotty gives him a skeptical look. “If yeh say so.”  
  
“I need to read over the final report from the _Carpathia_ ’s CMO,” Leonard tells the Scotsman. “Why don’t you sit and read to him while I’m gone?” He watches Scotty hesitate. “He’s out cold, Scotty. Exhaustion will do that to people, even Jim.”  
  
Scotty nods, still not looking convinced. “What if he wakes up?”  
  
“Then you press the call button and I’ll come right over,” Leonard says gently as he gestures to the chair. “I’m sure that he would appreciate the company.”  
  
Scotty finally sits down, the book clutched in his hands. “Yeh owe me, laddie,” he tells Jim as he opens the book, minding its fragile condition. 

Leonard takes his leave, knowing that Jim is in good hands. As he walks around the privacy screen, he hears Scotty say, “Call me Ishmael.”

 

* * *

  
At some point, Nyota comes down to relieve Scotty and Leonard finds her reading to Jim, occasionally switching from Standard to some other language he cannot identify.

When he comes around the privacy screen, she looks up and gives him a warm smile before placing a bookmark between the pages and setting the book down on the table next to the BioBed. “Don’t let me stop you,” Leonard says as he goes to review Jim’s vitals.  
  
Nyota shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she tells him. “How’s he doing?”  
  
Leonard casts a glance over his shoulder, watching Nyota reach for Jim’s hand. “He’s improving,” he replies as he focuses on the monitor, which beeps at him. Leonard raises a brow as he pulls up the screen and finds himself looking at Jim’s rising blood pressure. “Could you give us a moment?” 

“Of course,” Nyota says as she pushes the chair back.  
  
To Leonard’s shock, Jim’s blood pressure starts to drop. “What the hell?” he asks no one in particular. He leans closer to the monitor, his eye brows rising to his hairline.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Nyota asks, concerned.  
  
Leonard turns around, dumbfounded. “No idea,” he replies as he reaches to touch Jim’s shoulder, applying gentle pressure. He turns back to the monitors and creases his brow when nothing happens. “Could you touch him again?”

Nyota raises an unsure brow, but doesn’t ask questions as she reaches for Jim’s hand and interlocks their fingers. The monitor beeps again and when he goes to look, Jim’s blood pressure is rising once more along with his heart rate.

He signals to Nyota to let the captain go and watches as the vitals on the screen go from frantic to sedate.  
  
He stares at the monitor in such confusion that a few minutes tick by before he realizes it.

It’s Nyota’s voice that pulls Leonard out of his head. “Leonard?” she asks as she makes her over to him. “What is it?”  
  
Leonard shakes his head. “No idea,” he admits with a shrug of his shoulders.

He turns his attention to the screen that displays Jim’s neurological activity and sees that the kid is still deep in subspace. It doesn’t mean he’s not on some level aware of the activity around him. 

“Given the circumstances of his disappearance and how he was found, physical contact may be making him uncomfortable,” Leonard reasons.  
  
A mixture of concern and hurt crosses over Nyota’s features. “That’s understandable,” she says.  
  
“It doesn’t mean you can’t come down here and read to him,” Leonard adds, nudging her with his hip. The playful gesture earns a grin from the communications officer. “It’s getting late.”  
  
Nyota casts a apprehensive look at Jim, then to him. “What about you?” she asks. “You’ve been up since Gamma shift.”  
  
“I’m used to it by now,” Leonard tells her as he motions to Jim. “ _Especially_ with him running around. I was planning on staying down here tonight anyhow.”  
  
“In case he wakes up,” Nyota says quietly.  
  
Leonard nods. “A familiar face would probably do him some good.”  
  
“Well,” she says as she clasps Leonard’s shoulder, “I’ll let you get to it, then.”  
  
Leonard gives her a tired smile as she goes to leave. “Nyota,” he calls, watching her back track. “Any word on Spock?”  
  
“He came back several hours ago with the Beta Shuttle in tow,” she tells him. “I caught him as he was going into a meeting with Admiral Archer and the executive officers back at Starfleet.”  
  
Leonard is not surprised and figured that the half-Vulcan would be tied up in meetings for the majority of the day. In truth, he hates to admit that he _actually_ feels bad for Spock and for the duties he has to fill while Jim is out of commission. “If you see him, tell him to come down as soon as he is able,” he says. “I’ll let the staff know that Spock can be down here past visiting hours.”  
  
“That would mean a lot to him.” Nyota is smiling brightly at him. “I’ll tell him when I see him. Goodnight, Leonard.” 

She leaves and it’s just him and the captain. Leonard pages one of the nurses, asking them to bring a cot.

As it's being situated next to Jim’s BioBed, the doctor decides to make use of the sonic showers down in the Med Bay and the extra uniform he keeps in his office.  
  
When he comes back one of the nurses, Nurse Rowan, is administering another round of antibiotics and changing the saline drip. She gives him a smile. “His fever’s down,” Rowan tells him as she triggered the hypospray. “And his last panel looked good.”  
  
Leonard grabs the PADD off the table next to Jim’s bed, pulling up his chart for a quick review.

The fever still wavers at thirty-seven degrees, giving a flush to Jim’s cheeks. It’s the lowest it’s been since he was found and allows Leonard’s panic to uncoil ever so slightly. The latest chemical panel is a vast improvement from the one he first saw when Dr. Ta’al sent over Jim’s file.

As Leonard scans through the results, he frowns when he sees the electrolyte readout.  
  
“What is it?” asks Rowan as she changes the bag of saline.  
  
Leonard glances up. “His electrolytes,” he mutters.  
  
“Are they still low?”  
  
“No, the opposite,” Leonard answers. “They’re up.”  
  
The nurse hangs the bag on the pole and gives Leonard a reserved look. “Isn’t that a good thing?” she quips with a quirk of her brow.  
  
“Yes and no,” Leonard states as his fingers touch the screen, sending the latest readout to M’Benga for his perusal and input. “It doesn’t explain the tetany of his right hand. Did we run a scan of his enzymes?”  
  
Nurse Rowan tilts her head. “Are you thinking that the captain had a stroke?”  
  
“Dr. Ta’al and her staff would have picked it up on the tricorder,” Leonard reasons with a shake of his head. “Could you run a panel and send the results to my PADD in the morning?”  
  
The nurse gives him a smile. “Of course,” she replies. “Do you need anything else?”  
  
“No,” Leonard tells her as he sets the PADD down. “Thank you, though.”  
  
Eventually the nurse leaves and Leonard sinks down onto the cot, bone weary and mentally exhausted. He rubs his hand against his face and lets out a sigh. “Dammit Jim,” he whispers to the unconscious form on the BioBed. “Why can’t you make my job easier on me?” 

Jim remains silent; his eyes are closed and chapped lips parted ever so slightly. 

Leonard unlaces his boots and places them under cot once they are removed from his feet. He makes himself comfortable on the cot, settling himself under the blanket and sheets. It’s not the bed in his quarters, but its proximity to Jim makes Leonard swear that he’s lying on a cloud. He turns on his side, facing the captain, and watches him in the dim light before his own eyelids grow heavy.

“I’ll be here if you need me,” he murmurs.  
  
Then, without much warning, Leonard falls asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Jim remains unconscious and Leonard while is not surprised, though it doesn't help his blood pressure or the ulcer he swears is forming in his stomach. 

Exhaustion sucks the life out of the otherwise hyperactive human being. As doses of medications are tapered down and vital signs improve, Jim lies in a BioBed. Leonard muses that it’s a strange contrast for Jim to be so still while his ship hums around him, carrying his crew through space and as they go about their daily activities. 

Jim’s not completely still, of course, because that would be near impossible for someone who is just asleep versus a patient in a coma. He does move in small increments; adjusting the tilt of his head, parting his lips, grasping the bed covers, or furrowing his brow in discomfort.  
  
Leonard, on the other hand, ensconces himself in Med Bay and keeps a constant vigil at Jim’s bedside, watching for any changes in the captain’s condition. It’s probably a good thing that he’s stuck in there rather than roaming the halls of the _Enterprise_ , where concerned crew members would probably pester him about Jim’s current status or when they can see him. 

For once Leonard appreciates Spock’s logic, who only tells the crew the bare minimum about Jim. They know that he’s recuperating in Med Bay and is not to be disturbed. It seems to appease them and it suits Leonard just fine.  
  
He sees Spock during Jim’s first full day back on the ship, catching a glimpse of the commander while Leonard sits in his office for a communique with Admiral Archer and Dr. Ta’al. 

They exchange a nod of acknowledgement as Spock is led over by one of the nurses to Jim’s BioBed. He looks worn out, if that was even possible, but relieved to be in close proximity to the young captain. After the communique ends, Leonard walks out of his office, stretching his tired back, and goes to Spock.

He finds him hunched over in the chair next to Jim’s BioBed and staring at the kid with those impossibly dark eyes, his expression is like a marble statue. Leonard clears his throat, earning an almost startled look from Spock, who pries his gaze away from Jim and looks at the doctor. “His fever broke a little while ago,” Leonard tells Spock tiredly walking to the BioBed.  
  
“That is good news,” Spock replies, making it sound like a question.  
  
Leonard nods. “It means the antibiotics are fighting the infection,” he comments as he picks up Jim’s chart at the foot of the bed. “Damn kid sweat through his gown. Nurse Rowan and I had to lift his heavy ass onto a gurney so we could run him under the sonics.”  
  
The comment makes Spock raise an angled brow in either curiosity or mirth. “Fascinating,” he says in awe, turning back to Jim.  
  
“Not really,” Leonard grumbles as he reads through the chart.

The last chem panel came back just a hair's breadth of normal, leaving the doctor both relieved and baffled. He turns his head and focuses on Jim’s right hand. The extremity is hidden under layers of crisp sheets and clean blankets, still squeezed into a tight fist.

It’s the medical mystery that Leonard cannot figure out.

He’s consulted M’Benga, who thinks it’s just a nervous tick of some sort, and countless medical databases to determine what the hell was going on. He’s no closer to figuring it just as Jim is no closer to regaining consciousness.  
  
“Doctor,” Spock says, “perhaps I could be of help…”  
  
Leonard knows where this is going and sure as hell doesn’t like it. “The answer is no,” he snaps almost immediately.  
  
“You do not know what I am about to suggest,” Spock counters in a neutral tone.  
  
Leonard shakes his head. “The answer is still no.”  
  
“Perhaps if I were -”  
  
Leonard drops the chart into its slot with a loud clang. “Spock,” he says sharply. “I do not want you trying out your Vulcan hocus pocus on my patient. He’s been through enough, goddammit!”  
  
Spock raises a brow. “You find that Vulcan healing methods are what you like to call _nonsense_. I assure you, doctor, that they are not. They have been scientifically proven to accelerate the recovery process.”  
  
“Until you have a medical degree and a license to practice _human_ medicine, _commander_ , you will allow me to treat Jim as I see fit,” he hisses in a fury as his cheeks burn. 

They are locked in a heated stare when Jim makes a noise, a soft grunt, as he squeezes his closed eyes and shifts his head against the pillow. He does not wake up, though his brain activity spikes for those few seconds before Jim slides back into the oblivion that consumes him. 

“See,” Leonard retorts, “ _you’re_ bothering _him_!” He knows that the words don’t even make sense, but there is a brief flicker of satisfaction as they come barreling out his mouth.  
  
Spock looks at him, knowing that Leonard is full of shit. “Perhaps it is your raised voice that is disturbing the captain’s rest,” he sasses back in the most composed of voices.  
  
Leonard grits his teeth together, refusing to let the commander gloat him any further. “If you want to be _helpful_ ,” Leonard snarls, “read him a few chapters of _Moby Dick_.” 

Spock opens his mouth to coolly argue how or why that would be helpful to Jim. 

“Just do it!” Leonard yells, not caring who can hear him.

Certain people on this ship may think that Spock walks on water, but those people can kiss his ass as far as the doctor is concerned at this juncture of time. 

As Spock picks up the book without further comment, Leonard stalks off towards his office and wishes that doors still slammed shut.

 

* * *

  
M’Benga makes him swear that he will spend the night in his own quarters with a promise that if anything changed in regards to Jim’s condition, Leonard will be notified immediately. “It won’t do the captain any good if you’re in here with him,” he recalls M’Benga saying from the doorway, keeping a safe distance from the doctor. 

He grunts in agreement because he knows that M’Benga is right and that the cot he slept on the previous night is not the same as sleeping in his own bed. His bed has a real mattress and a close proximity to a shower. 

“Also,” M’Benga says with a quirk of a grin, “try not to kill the acting captain, Len. We need him as much as we need you.”  
  
Leonard gives him the finger much to the other doctor’s amusement as M’Benga chuckles his way out to the main floor. By the time Leonard’s temper has cooled, Spock is long gone and more likely than not on the bridge. He stalks out of his office, stomach growling and his body aching from a long day. 

He’ll go to the mess and pick up something to bring back to his quarters, but first he wants to check in on Jim.

He crosses Med Bay to where the captain is and hears a heavily Russian accented voice struggling with Herman Melville’s words. “‘In one word, Queequeg, swaid I, rather dwigressively’,” Chekov reads in a low voice so he does not disturb anyone, “‘hell is an idea fwirst born on an undigested wapple-dumpling; and since then perpetuated through ze whereditary dyspepsias nurtured by Ramadans.’” 

Leonard stands on the other side of the privacy screen, listening to Chekov fumbling over the words and cursing in Russian until he closes the book. 

“Keptin,” he says softly. “I do not think you know this, but hell was invented in Russia. It is true. My grandpapa told me!”  
  
If Leonard had the energy, he would chuckle at the kid’s naivety. Instead Leonard clears his throat and pokes his head around the curtain to see Chekov’s doe eyes staring at him. The young navigator looks like he’s about to excuse himself when Leonard raises a hand and shakes his head. 

“I’m just checking on him,” Leonard assures Chekov as he goes to the monitors. “You can keep on reading to him if you want.”  
  
Chekov does just that, his voice becoming white noise as Leonard goes over Jim’s chart and latest read outs. Eventually, he stops and Leonard can hear the book being set down on the table next to Jim’s bed. “How is the keptin?” he finally asks, practically in a whisper.  
  
“He’s getting there, kid,” Leonard replies as he scans through Jim’s vitals, noting several instances where his heart rate and blood pressure spiked, only to fall back into the normal range.  
  
He can hear Chekov clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Doktor?” he asks hesitantly. “What do you mean this _getting there_?”  
  
Leonard casts him a glance over his shoulder and shrugs. “Jim is getting better,” he explains. “It just takes some time, kid, but soon he’ll be up and about.”  
  
He watches as Chekov processes the information and his mouth forms an O. “ _Yo moyo_ ,” he whispers, his eyes on Jim. “Zat’s good then, yes?”  
  
“Yes Chekov,” the doctor tells him with an affirmative nod. “That’s good.”  
  
It seems to placate Chekov for the time being. With a gentle squeeze of Jim’s shoulder, Leonard leaves them despite feeling like he _should_ be there. As he heads towards the doors, Leonard’s thoughts drift to the unusual flux in Jim’s vitals and stops in his tracks. He reaches for his comm, his lips curling into a snarl, and activates the device. 

“Yes doctor,” Spock says through the speaker.  
  
Leonard swallows back the string of curses he has ready and grunts, “Get down here _now_.” 

It takes Spock less than five minutes to walk through the glass doors of Med Bay and by the time he’s standing in front of Leonard, the doctor is ready to explode.

Before Spock even has the chance to speak, Leonard rails on him, teeth blared and eyes wide. “What the hell did you do to him?” Leonard hisses in a viper-like whisper.  
  
Spock raises one his damn brows and there is a genuine look of confusion on his face. “I do not understand what you are referring to,” he replies.  
  
Leonard crooks a finger and begins to stomp across the floor to Jim. Chekov is already gone, having gone to meet Sulu for dinner with promises to come back after tomorrow’s Beta shift. They arrive at Jim’s bedside and Leonard gestures towards his patient. “What did you to do him?” he demands.  
  
“As I said previously, I do not understand what you are referring to, _doctor_ ,” Spock states, emphasizing Leonard’s title.  
  
Leonard grits his teeth together and grabs Jim’s chart, thrusting it into Spock’s unsuspecting hands. “While you were reading to him – and believe me, _you_ better have just been reading to him – his heart rate and blood pressure unexpectedly spiked,” Leonard growls as he goes to the monitors and pulls up Jim’s vitals.  
  
Spock is looking at Jim’s chart, his brows knitted together in a frown. “This is troubling.”  
  
“Damn right it is!” Leonard barks as his fingers press against the screen. “I told you _not_ to perform that Vulcan voodoo on him! He is _ill_ , Spock! There’s no serum to fix this and while you _think_ you’re helping, you’re not!”  
  
Spock tilts his head when Leonard turns to look at him. “Doctor,” he says evenly, “I did not perform any Vulcan healing methods, per your request, as punitive as it was.”  
  
“Then what the hell did you do?” Leonard asks, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
Spock purses his lips together as he looks to Jim, watching the captain as he sleeps. “He was contracting his hand,” the commander replies as he takes a step towards the captain’s bedside. “As if he was reaching with purpose.”  
  
“Which hand?” Leonard questions, watching Spock point to Jim’s left hand that rests on top of his stomach and moves with every breath that the captain makes. “And?”  
  
Spock looks at Leonard. “I made contact with him,” Spock replied. “I felt that under the circumstances, that a familiar presence would bring Jim some comfort in his current state.”  
  
Leonard arches a disbelieving brow. “And then what happened?”  
  
“The monitors on the BioBed alerted me to Jim’s distress and I ceased physical contact with him,” Spock states, knowing exactly _what_ Leonard is trying to dig for. Judging by the look on Spock’s aquiline features, Leonard is clearly reaching for something that isn’t there. “I realize that you are uncomfortable with some of the Vulcan traditions and despite the logic I see in it, I do respect your decision and expertise when it comes to Jim’s care.”  
  
Leonard’s nostrils flare, briefly, before the wind gets let out of his proverbial sails. His shoulders sag and he grips the side of the BioBed, sighing heavily. “Sorry,” he whispers, not sure if he’s apologizing to Spock or Jim. “I… I just don’t know what’s wrong with him.”  
  
“You said that he is suffering from acute exhaustion as well as multiple physical injuries,” Spock states.  
  
Leonard shakes his head. “No,” he says, looking at the crisp white linens on the bed. “There is something else, Spock, and I have no idea what it is.”  
  
“Perhaps you are searching for an ailment that isn’t there,” Spock suggests as gently as possible.  
  
Leonard shrugs. “Wouldn’t be the first time,” he mutters. He casts Spock a sidelong expression. “He did the same thing when Nyota touched him last night.”  
  
Spock raises a brow. Leonard nods in confirmation and a tense moment of silence passes between them. “He did,” Spock echoes. “That is most… alarming.”  
  
Leonard pushes himself off the bed and crosses his arms against. “You’re telling me,” he utters.  
  
“Has this happened to other visitors?” Spock asks.  
  
“Not that I know of,” Leonard replies, his gaze fixed on Jim. He shakes his head. “Kid, what is going on in that head of yours?” 

Jim lets out a sigh in his sleep and inclines his head, pressing his right cheek against the pillow. From Leonard’s angle, he can see certain aspects of Jim’s familiar features: his dark lashes brushing against the tops of hollow cheekbones, the curve of brow bones, and the tip of a nose broken once too much. 

The kid looks incredibly young that it makes Leonard’s chest ache.  
  
“Doctor,” Spock says softly, earning Leonard’s attention. When he looks up, he sees that the half-Vulcan has an impassive expression on his face. “Perhaps some rest would help.”  
  
Leonard nods, dumbly. “I’ll send you an update tomorrow morning,” he tells Spock before walking out of Med Bay and towards his quarters, forgoing dinner to seek the comfort of his own bed.

 

* * *

  
Another day passes with no change in Jim’s level of consciousness. Hour by painstaking hour, his vitals approach the low to mid normal range and allows Leonard to breathe a small sigh of relief. 

“It’s something,” he tells Dr. Ta’al via a video communique, in reference to Jim’s latest read out. He is sitting in his office with M’Benga as they both eat lunch and confer with the _Carpathia_ 's doctor.  
  
Dr. Ta’al nods in understanding. “Sometimes, Dr. McCoy, it’s the small victories,” she reasons with a smile.  
  
He sighs in reply, wishing that Jim’s recovery wasn't filled with just small victories, but one big win in which the kid woke up, whole and hail and annoying Leonard until he is released from Med Bay. This is the kid who declared that he doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios in an auditorium filled with their classmates and Starfleet big wigs. 

 _What are you trying to tell me, kid? What is it?_ Leonard thinks as he walks across Med Bay on his daily rounds in an effort to distract himself. 

He even goes as far going down to Shuttle Bay, where Scotty has been spending the majority of his time as the Scotsman oversees the investigation of the Beta Shuttle.  
  
Like Jim, the shuttle keeps its secrets held closely to her bosom and frustrates Scotty to no end. “I cannae understand!” Scotty bellows from inside the shuttle as Leonard approaches. He is only several paces away when a wrench is hurled out the door and bounces against the metal flooring of Shuttle Bay.

“Don’t look at me like that, yeh crazy little crustacean!” Leonard hears Keenser’s tiny, barely audible voice as he sharply insults Scotty. “Oh stop! I’m the one who does all the work ‘round here while yeh sit pretty and climb things! And get down from ‘ere! This shuttle isn’t a playground!” 

Scotty stomps out of the shuttle and nearly collides with the Scotsman whose face is as red as his Engineering uniform. “Oh!” Scotty says, slightly embarrassed. “Leonard, I didn’t see yeh ‘ere!”  
  
Keenser pushes past them, grumbling under his breath. 

“I heard that,” Scotty calls after him, clenching his fists and shaking his head before turning back to Leonard with a rueful smile. “So what can I do yeh for?”  
  
Leonard shrugs. “I just needed to get away from Med Bay for a bit,” he admits, shifting his eyes to the shuttle.  
  
“Oh aye, I can understand that,” Scotty replies with a sympathetic expression. “Yeh want to see the inside? She’s quite a beaut.” 

As far as shuttles go, the Beta Shuttle is impressive and seems sturdy enough for a tin can. The interior is all virgin machinery, sleek metal and a black material that is common in shuttles. Various panels have been torn open and have monitors attached to them, their numbers constantly in flux as data is collected. 

“I know it doesn’t look pretty,” Scotty admits as he observes Leonard looking around. “But investigations are messy beasts.”  
  
Leonard nods, absently, as he takes in his surroundings. His eyes fall on various red stains that are ground into the floor, walls, the control panel up front, and one of the back windows. He squats down, to inspect one of the stains, and touches it when his finger. 

It flakes off against his skin, dry and crusty. Leonard quickly realizes that it’s blood - more specifically Jim’s blood.

He swallows roughly and wills himself not to throw up inside of the shuttle. 

Jim had been trapped inside of this machine, alone, injured, traumatized before the _Carpathia_ found him adrift. Leonard doesn’t want to imagine the terror that Jim felt as the Beta Shuttle’s systems slowly began to shut down or the sorrow of never seeing his friends again.  
  
“Yeh okay?” Scotty asks, giving Leonard’s shoulder a good shake. When Leonard looks at him owlishly, Scotty shrugs. “I know it’s a lot to take in… knowing that Jimmy was in ‘ere, but he’s back home now.”  
  
Leonard nods. “I know,” he rasps as he stands up. “Maybe he’ll stay on the ship for a while after he gets out of Med Bay.” Doubtful, but Leonard can hope.  
  
“Wishful thinkin’,” Scotty chuckles, patting Leonard on the back. “How’s our boy doin’?”  
  
Leonard shrugs. “He’s still unconscious, but his vitals are improving,” he tells the Scotsman, who is looking over one of the monitors. “Have you been able to find anything?”  
  
“Nothin’ that helps,” Scotty replies flippantly. “Flight record is busted. It looks like it got fried and I cannae get anything off it. I handed it over to Spock. Maybe he can work his Vulcan magic.”  
  
“What do you mean it got fried?” Leonard asks.  
  
Scotty shrugs as he scratches his head. “It’s fried. Whole panel is blown like most of ‘em,” he says as he points to various panels. “It’s a miracle that the life support systems lasted as long as they did, but the comm panel, navigator, flight record… all of them are done for. They’ll need replacin’.”  
  
“Sabotage?”  
  
“Perhaps,” Scotty answers grimly. “It seems more like ionic damage during my first inspection.”  
  
Leonard raises a questioning brow. “Ionic?” Leonard mumbles to himself, remembering how the bridge crew reported the ionic disturbance that was throwing off the sensors on the ship. Right before Jim disappeared.  
  
“We’ll figure this out,” Scotty assures him as Leonard’s comm goes off. 

He sighs heavily as he reaches for the device in his pocket and pulls it out. “Leonard,” he says.  
  
“You need to get down here,” M’Benga says in an alarmed voice. “ _Now_.” 

Leonard doesn’t ask questions and takes off running towards Med Bay, his heart hammer in his chest and his pulse roaring in his ears.

His mind blurs, only thinking about one thing: Jim. 

He bursts into Med Bay, startling a few members of his staff that look at him like Leonard’s grown another head as he catches his breath.  
  
Nurse Rowan is approaching him, her features filled with tension. “He’s awake,” she says.  
  
Leonard’s breathing hitches in his throat as he takes off towards Jim’s secluded BioBed, not waiting for the nurse to finish speaking.

 _Finally_ , he thinks to himself. _Finally._

He comes around the privacy screen to see M’Benga holding a tricorder up to Jim, who is sitting upright in the bed. He notices the crease in the doctor’s brow as he stares at the readings. “Jim,” Leonard says, his friend’s name erupting from his lips.  
  
Jim looks at him with slack features and that’s when Leonard’s stomach drops.

His blue eyes - that always burn so brightly - are vacant and unfocused. Everything about the man staring at Leonard is wrong, so wrong and such a parody that Leonard can’t even believe that it’s Jim. 

“Jim?” Leonard whispers as he feels the first sting of tears in his eyes. “Kid?” 

Jim blinks and his eyes flicker for the briefest of moments, then dwindle to nothing, before he turns back to the empty space in front of them, staring.


	7. Chapter 7

In 1874, Karl Ludwig Kahlbaum first described Catatonia in _Die Katatonie oder das Spannungsirresein_ as a state of neurogenic motor immobility and a behavioral abnormality manifested by a stupor. It is not a separate mental disorder, but associated with other psychiatric conditions such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and other mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder. 

As Leonard sits next to Jim's BioBed with his elbows resting on his knees, he kicks himself for not seeing it: for not putting the pieces together when they were laid out in front of him, for not realizing just how traumatized Jim actually was, and for assuming that Jim would be fine when he did wake up because Jim was always fine. 

But mostly for not seeing it.

He observes how Jim sits with slumped shoulders on the reclined mattress and stares off at nothing with those dull blue eyes that blink slowly. He listens to each breath that passes through parted chapped lips. It is the only utterance that Jim makes, that terrible wheezing sound that shows the world just how incredibly fragile Jim Kirk is. 

"So," M'Benga says, startling Leonard out of his thoughts. Geoffrey gives him a sympathetic smile as he folds his arms over his chest and glances at Jim.

Leonard nods, swallowing down the sob in his throat. "I should have seen it," he comments in a gravelly voice as he leans back in the chair. Leonard runs a hand over his face and pushes his hair off his forehead before shaking his head. "I should have seen it, Geoff."

"No one saw it, Len," M'Benga reasons.

Leonard shakes his head as tears make his eyes glisten. " _I_ should have seen it," he reiterates. "He's my patient and I'm his CMO and I should have seen it. Everything was right there – every single piece of the puzzle right in front of me: he was nonverbal when they found him, the tetany of his right fist… I never even thought Jim would end up like this, it never even crossed my mind because that kid is a fucking Category Five hurricane."

"Len," M'Benga sighs.

Leonard looks down at his hands. He snuffs and wipes his face. "Geoff, I'm such a damn hypocrite. I scream at this kid that he's only human and not to do stupid shit… and here I am, forgetting the very thing I bitch about _all the time_." He loses his voice to the quiet whimpers that wrack his body for several moments before Leonard composes himself with deep breaths. "I could have prevented this."

"Len, you couldn't have prevented this," M'Benga tells him in earnest, placing a comforting hand on Leonard's shoulder. "Medical science has come a long way, but something like this…it was a ticking time bomb. At least, Jim is home and not on some ship surrounded by strangers." 

Leonard is so wrapped up in his head that he didn't realize that M'Benga moved.

"Whatever happened to the captain was bad enough for him to… _retreat_ ," M'Benga says as he gives Leonard's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

Leonard snorts. "You say it like he's taking a vacation."

"Perhaps it's a mental vacation," M'Benga quips gently.

"Mental vacation," Leonard echoes. " _I_ need a mental vacation!"

He realizes that his voice has risen a few octaves and with flushed cheeks, looks at Jim. 

There's no eye roll, no annoyed snort or that chuckle that makes the doctor want to punch something, or some snippy remark that makes his blood boil.

There's not a single reaction and it's slowly breaking Leonard's heart as he reaches for Jim's limp hand and lightly squeezes his fingers.

"He will get better," M'Benga states, though Leonard isn't sure if Geoffrey believes the words coming out of his mouth. "We'll put him on a round of benzodiazepines…"

"If I can find one that he's _not_ allergic to," Leonard mumbles under his breath before letting go of Jim's fingers and burying his face in his hands. "Why can't you do things the normal way, kid?"

"He wouldn't be Jim Kirk if he did things like everyone else," M'Benga replies.

Leonard looks up at his friend and colleague. "Don't I know it," he sighs as his eyes travel back to Jim, whose eyelids are starting to droop.

He watches as Jim wavers in his upright position and decides to gently ease the captain back onto the mattress. A lump forms in his throat as Jim falls back onto the reclined mattress without any resistance. 

 _Who are you and what have you done with Jim?_ Leonard thinks to himself, watching Jim's eyelids slowly close and his body go slack with sleep.

"What do you need me to do?" M'Benga asks after a few minutes of them watching Jim sleep.

Leonard wants to ask if M'Benga could put a hit out on the people who did this to their captain, but instead asks, "Could you contact Dr. Ta'al and give her an update?"

"Of course," M'Benga says. "What about visitors?"

Leonard shakes his head. "He wouldn't want anyone to see him like this," he replies sadly. "Just the medical staff assigned to his case and Acting Captain Spock." 

 _Shit_ , he thinks, _Spock._

Only a few hours had passed and Leonard had spent the majority of the time performing scans, running tests, and assessing just how bad Jim's catatonic stupor was. Leonard pulls his comm out and presses the device, his stomach tying itself into knots.

"Yes, Dr. McCoy?" Spock says over the speaker.

Leonard swallows roughly before saying, "I need to speak with you about Jim. Alone."

"Anything else?" M'Benga asks when Leonard puts the device down on top of Jim's book.

Leonard nods. "Bring the cot back," he answers in a tone that indicates that it's not up for discussion.

 

* * *

 

When Spock arrives in Med Bay, Leonard is researching benzodiazepines on his PADD as he sits next to Jim's bed. He's so enthralled with his research that he hardly registers that the half-Vulcan is standing there, his hands behind his back. "You wished to see me," Spock states.

Leonard starts at the sound of Spock's voice and nearly drops the PADD. "Yeah," he says as he sets the PADD down next to Jim's legs. "He woke up."

Spock nods as he turns to Jim and quietly observes the sleeping captain, who looks so pale and small against the BioBed's mattress. "He is not well," he finally says, looking back at Leonard.

"No," the doctor replies. "He's not." Leonard gets to his feet, feeling his muscles and ligaments protest from sitting so long. "He's catatonic. I'm classifying it as moderate catatonia. Jim is physical immobile, mute, and does not react to external stimuli."

Spock looks disturbed by this news and it shows in his eyes. "This is most alarming, doctor."

"You're telling me," Leonard agrees. "To be honest, I'm not sure he even knows where he is or even if he was aware when the _Carpathia_ recovered him."

"You believe that Jim was already in this state when he was found," Spock remarks.

Leonard nods. "It's a possibility and would explain the condition he was found in," Leonard explains. He turns to Spock as he folds his arms over his chest. "I keep wondering to myself what the hell it took for him to escape, what he had to do…"

"Perhaps it is not wise to dwell on such things," Spock tells him.

Leonard knows that Spock is right, but he can't help it.

The image he has put together of Jim in that shuttle – alone, injured, and god knows what else – is burned into his mind and he sees it every time he closes his eyes. He decides to change the subject.

"I am researching which benzodiazepine he isn't allergic to so we can start treatment. You would think that with all of the other advancements that medical science has made, they would have a hypospray that cures catatonia." The two men stare at Jim in silence, the severity of the situation resonating with both of them.

While they didn't want to admit how bad this could have ended up, they know it has and it hurts them to see Jim, always so vibrant and full of time, like this.

"Dr. McCoy," Spock says, breaking the silence without breaking his eye contact on Jim. "I know that you do not agree with Vulcan healing methods, but perhaps…"

"As much as I don't agree with them, I cannot let you mind meld with him," Leonard says, cutting him off as mildly as he can manage. He turns to Spock and shakes his head. "It is dangerous, Spock. We have no idea what kind of mess you're going into and this ship can't lose both of you."

Spock raises a brow. "Understood," he replies. "I appreciate your candor and your regard for my personal safety. If I made some inquires with the healers on New Vulcan, would you be amenable to hearing them?"

"At this point, I'm willing to listen to anything so long as he comes back," Leonard admits gruffly.

"You are angry with yourself," Spock states.

"I'm angry at a lot of things, Spock," he grumbles. "Let's just hope that I don't run into the people who did this to him."

Spock nods. "As Jim would say, you and I seem to be on the same boat."

"The accuracy of that statement frightens me more than you realize," replies Leonard. He glances at the commander and smirks. "Don't let Jim know that I agreed with you."

Spock's lips twitch into something resembling a smile. "The thought never crossed my mind."

"Good," Leonard tells him. "I know that you'll have to inform Admiral Archer about this."

"Indeed," Spock replies. "I will ask that in light of the current circumstances that Jim remain on board the _Enterprise_. I believe that this course of action is best for all of us."

Leonard shakes his head in agreement. "Thank you," he whispers.

"It is nothing," Spock replies. He lingers for a moment, his dark eyes on Jim, before excusing himself to send a communique to Archer. 

The thing is, Leonard realizes later on as he's reading the fine black print on his PADD, it isn't nothing despite what Spock says. The man could have requested Jim be transferred back to Starfleet Medical where he would certainly be locked away in a hospital room for the foreseeable future (or the rest of his life, but Leonard doesn't want to think about that).

Spock would have become captain of the _Enterprise_ while Jim rotted away, held prisoner by his own body and mind.

 _No,_ Leonard thinks to himself. _That never will happen._

As soon as Jim had looked at him - vacant and gone - Leonard knew that if it came down to it, he would go back to San Francisco with Jim.

He would move Jim into his condo, hire a nurse to ease some of the burden, and find a way to bring the kid back. Even if it took months or years, Leonard would bring Jim. If Leonard can battle death and win, he can certainly conquer this beast.

While the nurses set up the cot next to Jim's bed, Leonard uses the time to run back to his quarters to shower and change as well as go to Jim's quarters. He grabs a set of clothing – sweatpants, a t-shirt, a pair of woolen socks, and a SFA sweatshirt – and an afghan, worn and tattered, that Jim's grandmother made him when he was a boy.

Familiar objects may help Jim somehow and anything is better than the hospital gowns down in Med Bay. He speaks to Nurse Rowan when he comes back to Med Bay and quietly requests that when Jim is given a sonic shower in the morning, that they put him in the clothing Leonard's brought down.

Nurse Rowan, god bless her, smiles earnestly and nods. "Of course," she replies, patting him on the shoulder before heading off to finish the rest of her duties.

Leonard checks his messages and replies back to several of them, one being from Dr. Ta'al who expresses her sympathies and well wishes for the captain's recovery. As Leonard hits send on a brief but thankful response, he notices that she didn't add swift, speedy, or other anonyms of fast. 

 _It's just as well_ , Leonard muses to himself as he goes to Jim's area of the Med Bay.

A nurse is administering a hypo with a nourishment supplement into Jim's neck. At least medical science has figured out something that is less invasive than a gastrostomy tube.

Leonard places Jim's neatly folded clothing into one of the drawers of the bedside table once the nurse has left them alone. He drapes the afghan on top of the Med Bay blankets, smoothing the creases with gentle hands. 

"Jim," he whispers to the unconscious man, "I don't do this for everyone, so don't let it go to that big head of yours."

Leonard glances up at the captain and lets out a heavy sigh as he watches Jim sleep, his pulse visible against the pale skin of his neck. He moves up, bringing his mouth closer to Jim's ear.

"You listen to me, kid," he says in a voice that's about to break. "Don't you do this to yourself, okay? You come back. You come back to us."

Leonard feels his eyes burning with unshed tears as he leans in, pressing his lips against Jim's hair. "Come back to me."

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Leonard wakes up on the cot and has not a single clue of where he is until his sleepy vision falls on the monitors in front of him, pulsing with Jim's vitals. He rolls over onto his back, letting out a yawn and rubs the back of his hand over his eyes.

Leonard hauls himself to his feet, stretching the stiff muscle of his back and glances over at Jim, who is facing away from the doctor and curled up on his side. His unkempt hair peeks up over the hood of his sweatshirt, sticking up at all angles.

"You're awake," says M'Benga as he appears next to the privacy curtain, holding a PADD in his hand.

Leonard nods. "Just woke up," he replies as he goes to Jim's side and sees a familiar scene in front of him: Jim fast sleep in a fetal position and the side of his face pressed into the pillow.

Back at the Academy and even before their five-year mission, Jim would wake up with creases pressed into his face from the pillow and a dazed look. Leonard always thought he looked so young, too young to be captain of a starship and a hero so many times over. 

He reaches out, touching Jim's balled up fist that is tucked under his chin. Jim's breath brushes against Leonard's knuckles in a slow, even rhythm.

The nasal cannula was removed the night before when the doctor was satisfied with Jim's oxygen levels. Small victories.

"He was awake for an hour or two," M'Benga tells Leonard.

Leonard raises a brow and instantly feels awful for not being there. "And?"

"Still unresponsive, but he was as cooperative as he could be during the sonic shower," M'Benga says as he goes to the foot of Jim's bed. "He fell asleep as soon as the nurses got him back on the bed."

Leonard nods, pulling the afghan up a little higher to Jim's shoulder. "Someone could have woken me up," he mumbles, watching Jim's pulse thump against his neck. "I could have helped."

"You needed your rest, Len," M'Benga tells him.

Leonard shrugs. "Did you find anything on a capable benzodiazepine?"

"The cross checking has come up with three possibilities," M'Benga says as he hands over his PADD to Leonard. "I wanted you to take a look at them first."

Leonard rubs his jaw while looking at the PADD screen. "I'll look this over while I have breakfast," he declares with another yawn.

"Nurse Rowan also cleaned and redressed the puncture wound," M'Benga adds. "I think we're just about ready to start a regen unit."

Leonard nods absently. "That's good," he mumbles. "At least _something_ is going right." 

He ignores the pointed look he gets from M'Benga as well as the folded arms across the other doctor's chest. Leonard knows that he's being a jerk and that M'Benga is trying to take some of the burden off of him, but he doesn't want to have it easy. 

He just wants Jim to be well again.

Leonard forces himself to go back to his quarters and replicate some breakfast.

As he eats, he peruses the three benzodiazepines that are compatible with Jim's allergies to medication. His meal – oatmeal with nutmeg and brown sugar – could be saw dust for all Leonard cares. By the time his breakfast has settled into his gut, the doctor has narrowed down the medication down to lorazepam as the drug of choice.

He comms M'Benga to tell him to get a test dose of one to two milligrams loaded into a hypospray and goes to take a quick shower. 

All he can think about is Jim as he pulls on his uniform. The blue of his tunic reminds Leonard of Jim's eyes and how he yearns to see them open once more - alert, present, and burning as brightly as they normally do. 

He makes the trek down to Med Bay, his mind racing about all the things he misses about Jim.

Including that dopey grin he gets when he knows that Leonard is about two seconds away from tearing him a new asshole. Except this time, despite wanting to yell and scream at _someone_ , Leonard vows not to do it to Jim. Not this time.

"Doctor McCoy," says Nurse Rowan as he goes through the doors and hands him his PADD. "Doctor M'Benga is waiting for you along with Acting Captain Spock."

Leonard raises a brow. "Spock is here?"

"He came down a while ago to see how the Captain was doing," she replies.

"Oh," Leonard says dumbly.

Nurse Rowan tilts her head. "Would you like me to ask him to leave?"

"No," Leonard replies, shaking his head. "It's fine." 

He doesn't say much else as he makes his way to Jim's bed, where he finds M'Benga and Spock waiting.

To his surprise, Jim is awake and sitting up. Leonard watches for a moment as Jim stares vacantly at the space in front of him. He wonders what Jim sees (or doesn't see) or if Jim is vaguely aware of what's happening around him.

M'Benga silently hands Leonard the hypospray and nods as he takes it from his colleague. "We should start seeing a reaction within a half hour," he says quietly.

Leonard swallows. "Half hour, huh?" he comments before letting out a heavy sigh.

He goes to Jim without a word and stands next to his friend, watching the kid's eyes blink. Leonard uncaps the hypo in his hand without breaking eye contact. Normally this would be when Jim starts fidgeting and bitching before trying to run off.

"Should I leave?" Spock asks.

Leonard looks up and sees Spock standing there with his hands behind his back, looking as eager as he can to see Jim go back to normal. "For now," Leonard replies. "I want to see how he's feeling before Jim has any visitors."

"Understandable," Spock replies with a curt nod of his head. "Would it be…"

"I'll comm you as soon as we know more," Leonard answers him. 

Spock's lips almost twitch into a smile before he makes his leave. Leonard watches the commander go, probably heading towards the bridge more likely than not. 

Where Jim _should_ be. 

He turns back to Jim and reaches for his left hand, rubbing his thumb over the younger man's knuckles. "Jim," Leonard says. "I'm going to give you some medication, okay? It's in a hypo and I know how much you love these, but it will only sting for a second. And I promise I won't jab you with it like I normally do."

He keeps talking as he gently presses the device against his friend's skin. Leonard looks up at M'Benga and nods. "Time it now."

He pulls the trigger, half expecting Jim to jerk back and start cursing a blue streak. Instead, Leonard only hears the sound of M'Benga's watch and the monitors that murmur in the background. Leonard sets the hypo down and keeps his hand on top of Jim's, watching and waiting for something, _anything._

It's the longest thirty minutes of Leonard's life as he and M'Benga wait in silence for the medication to kick in.

A large part of Leonard wants to grab Jim by the shoulders and shake him until the kid looks him in the eye. About twenty minutes in, Jim's vitals spike. Leonard and M'Benga rush to the monitors, watching as the vital signs start to climb.

"Is it working?" M'Benga asks as he studies the data in front of them.

Leonard wants to nod, wants to be optimistic, but fear is stopping him. He's about to open his mouth when suddenly Jim's vitals drop down to zero. 

He turns around in mute horror, expecting the kid to be crashing right in front of them, only to find that Jim is clutching the side of the BioBed as he stands on trembling legs.

"Whoa," Leonard practically shouts, springing into action as he reaches for Jim's arm. "Jim, kid… get back in…" 

He catches the dazed expression in those blue eyes and the faint spark of awareness as Leonard looks at Jim's otherwise blank face.

"Len, should we –" M'Benga says before Leonard raises his hand, silencing him.

"Jim," Leonard calls softly, watching as Jim stares at the ground. "What is it?" Leonard keeps his hand on Jim's elbow, feeling the jut of the kid's bones against the material of his sweatshirt.

His best friend feels like fine china under his hands and it's unsettling. "Kid…" 

It's almost like Jim hears him as his head rises and stares at the space in front of them. He doesn't see the tense looks on Leonard and M'Benga's faces as they watch and wait.

"Len," M'Benga hisses through his teeth. "What the hell is going on?"

Leonard is about to reply when Jim steps forward, tugging the hand gripping the kid's elbow. He follows, keeping his pace slow and steady as Leonard observes his friend. 

Jim is slow to move, but he's moving as he places one tentative sock covered foot in front of the other. For some god forsaken reason, Leonard allows the kid to lead him through the main floor of Med Bay as if the captain is stuck in a dream.

M'Benga is following behind them, watching the scene unfold. 

"Jim," Leonard says as they come up to the doors that lead them to the hallway. "Where are we going?" 

Jim wavers on his feet for a moment, his eyes trying to focus on his surroundings, before he moves forward, ignoring the tug of Leonard's hand. 

"Clear the hallways," Leonard says he walks out of Med Bay with Jim, armed with a mixture of deep concern, curiosity and a tricorder. "And get Spock down here."

 

* * *

 

Spock meets up with Leonard somewhere deep inside Engineering. It's seldom used corridor, something Scotty had explained as they both followed Jim. "I apologize for my tardiness," Spock tells Leonard as he stands next to the doctor as observes Jim walking like a newborn foal down the corridor. "Jim?" 

Jim keeps walking, his left hand pressed flat against the walls to keep him upright. He doesn't acknowledge Spock's voice or the fact that he's in the underbelly of his own ship wearing nothing but pajamas. 

"Is he aware of our presence?" Spock asks, turning to Leonard.

Leonard motions the two men to follow him as he walks after Jim. "I'm not sure," he admits, watching Jim as he stops for a moment before going down another corridor.

"Laddie," Scotty bellows as he takes off running. "Where the hell do yeh think yeh going? There's nothing down 'ere that can help yeh! Hell, I don't even know what's down 'ere and it's my department!" 

Leonard grumbles under his breath as he breaks into a jog, following the sound of Scotty's voice as he berates Jim for wandering around in his state.

"Elaborate," Spock says as they hurry after Jim and the Scotsman.

"He's reacting to some external stimuli," Leonard explains. "Certain voices, surroundings, but I don't think he's completely aware of what's going on or where he _actually_ is."

"Interesting," Spock comments.

Leonard shrugs, dumbfounded. "He came straight down here. At first, I thought he was going to the Shuttle Bay to find the Beta Shuttle – it would make sense since that's probably the last place he was coherent. Somehow, we ended up down here."

Spock raises a brow. "Fascinating."

They find Scotty and Jim standing outside a closed doorway. Scotty is trying to reason with the captain, who is pressing his left hand against the metal door. 

"Yeh cannae go in 'ere, laddie," Scotty pleads. He sees Leonard and Spock approaching and gestures towards them with a concerned expression. "Leonard! Tell 'em he cannae go in there."

Jim is pressing against the door, moving his hand sporadically and ignoring Scotty's ranting.

Leonard can see by the lines of tension on Jim's face that he's starting to become agitated. "Jim," Leonard says as he rests a hand on Jim's shoulder. He keeps his voice even and gentle, as if he's speaking to a child. "There's nothing in here. Let's go back to Med Bay and get you in bed, okay?" It doesn't pacify Jim or his growing anxiety as he keeps pressing against the door, his features growing tight.

"Lieutenant commander, open the door," he hears Spock order.

Scotty scoffs and retorts sharply, "With all due respect, how is opening a door to nothing goin' to help him?"

"I will not ask again," Spock tells Scotty. 

Leonard coaxes Jim away from the door as Scotty goes to use his override on the panel.

He hears the angry grumbling under Scotty's breath as he types. "Cannae believe I'm doin' this," he mutters as the code sequences are accepted. "Yeh better have a good reason for this, laddie."

No one knows what to expect when the door slides open. The room is dark and the air that seeps out into the corridor is stale and dank. 

Leonard feels Jim lunge forward, as much as he can seeing as how the doctor is holding his arm with a vice-like grip. "Jim," he utters, shaking his head when Jim does it again. "Jim, no. There's nothing in here." 

A pathetic gasping sound tumbles out of Jim's chapped lips as his left hand reaches out, clawing empty air.

"Doctor," Spock says from behind him.

Leonard turns his head to see Spock silently urging him to let go of Jim. "You can't be serious," he snaps.

"I believe that there is a logical reason why the Captain has come here," Spock tells him, levelly.

Leonard shakes his head as he tightens his grip on Jim. "He's not well, Spock!"

"I am aware," Spock replies. "It is clear that he is searching for something."

"So?"

"Perhaps it would be wise if we let him do it."

Leonard groans. "Goddammit," he curses. "For the record, the _two of you_ are pains in my ass!"

He mutters another curse before commanding the lights to turn on. 

The room – as Leonard suspected – is empty and incredibly dirty, having collected god knows what with its disuse. The floor is covered in a thick layer of dust and the walls that _should be_ white are dingy and turning brown. 

In his surprise, Leonard lets go of Jim's arm. "Is this even regulation?" he asks, keeping an eye on the captain as he totters into the room.

"I didn't even know it was 'ere!" Scotty exclaims. "I don't even think it's on the blue prints of the ship…" 

Spock is silent, his raised brow the only indication that he is just as surprised as the CMO and Chief of Engineering.

Leonard watches as the soles of Jim's socks turn from navy blue to a murky color and swears under his breath. "Dammit kid," he says he walks into the room. Jim is in the middle of the room, staring up at a pipe overhead. If he hears Leonard, he's ignoring him. "You shouldn't be down here, _especially_ with your allergies," Leonard continues as he approaches Jim. "We're going…Jesus Christ!" 

Jim drops down to his knees without ceremony or a cry of pain. He wavers, uncomprehendingly, as Leonard rushes to him and kneels down in front of him. The doctor cups Jim's face in his hands, lifting his head so that he can look him in the eye.

"Hey kid," Leonard whispers as he searches those blue eyes for any signs of coherence. "That looked like one hell of a fall. Are you okay?"

He doesn't expect an answer, but at least it doesn't look like Jim is in any sort of pain. Leonard drops his hands, resting one of them on Jim's shoulder and continues to watch the younger man. "Jim," he calls softly as his friend looks around the room absently.

The doctor glances down and sees the dirt that has accumulated on the kid's sweatpants as well as his own uniform. "Let's get you back to Med Bay." 

It's by chance that his hand brushes against Jim's enclosed fist that abruptly opens, dropping something warm and circular into his palm. It happens just as quickly as Jim rising to his feet and rambling out of the room.

Leonard can hear Scotty shouting after him as he gets to his own feet and opens his palm. He lets out a startled shout and starts to tremble. "What is it, doctor?" Spock inquires as he comes into the room.

Leonard opens his mouth to reply, but cannot seem to find the words to articulate what he's looking at. "No," he whispers in disbelief. "It's impossible." 

His eyes dart to the ring on the opposite hand, the one that he always wears on his pinkie, back to its twin that lies in his open palm. 

The ring that belonged to his father. 

The class ring from when the elder Leonard graduated from medical school and had passed it down to his son upon his own graduation – a circle of platinum with gold and sapphire inlay and the University of Mississippi school emblem on top.

He realizes that Spock is standing next to him and easing the ring out of his grasp. Leonard watches as Spock silently studies the ring, his brow rising to the tips of his bangs. He swears that the commander's eyes widen when he glances at the doctor's left hand, then back to the one between his pale fingers. 

"This is troubling," he finally says, looking Leonard in the eye. "We must find Jim."


	8. Chapter 8

It doesn't take long to track Jim down thanks to an exasperated Scotty, who is practically shouting through the speaker of Spock's communicator. "I'm the bloody Chief of Engineering, not the Captain's babysitter!" he bellows over the sound of his footsteps pounding against the floor.

Spock raises a brow, perturbed. "I do not believe that Jim requires a babysitter," he replies.

"Yeh know what I damn well mean!" Scotty snaps back.

Leonard grabs the communicator out of Spock's hand as they get into the lift. "Where are you?" he asks as the door closes.

"Right near yeh quarters, doctor," Scotty tells him before groaning. "Jimmy! No! What the 'ell are yeh doin' now?" They can hear Scotty's footsteps breaking into a run as he seemingly chases Jim down the hallway. "Get down 'ere _now_." The connection goes dead as Scotty curses a blue streak.

"Dr. McCoy," Spock says, breaking the silence. "It is troubling that Jim is in possession of a duplicate of your ring. Perhaps the beings responsible for his disappearance meant to use it as a form of psychological torture."

Leonard snorts. "No shit," he mutters under his breath.

"You are angry at my pointing out the obvious," Spock replies.

Leonard shakes his head. "No," he grunts. "I'm angry that someone did this to him, though you pointing out the obvious doesn't help."

"We will find those who are responsible," Spock says in earnest. "Do not think that because of my Vulcan heritage that their deeds will go unpunished."

Leonard raises a curious brow and turns his body towards the commander. "Are you saying that you're going to let your human side govern the consequences of their actions?"

"I will do what is needed," he states as the lift deposits them on Leonard's floor.

They rush towards the doctor's quarters in silence, hearing Scotty's frustrated voice from around the corner as he tries to reason with Jim. "Jim," Scotty groans. "Jim, laddie. What the 'ell are yeh doing now? Stop touchin' that! No! Laddie!"

As Leonard turns the corner, he realizes that the scene in front of him should have made him laugh because of how absurd it all is. Jim is worrying his fingers on the door panel to the doctor's quarters, seemingly ignoring Scotty as he tries to pry the captain's fingers away. 

"Laddie," Scotty says through gritted teeth as he takes Jim's hands into his own. "Stop touchin' the panel." The Scotsman happens to look at them and gestures wildly. "Now yeh show up!"

Spock raises a brow as he and the doctor rush over to them. "Our apologies, Mr. Scott," he remarks as he watches Jim's ministrations. "Doctor…"

"Already on it," Leonard says as he goes to Jim's side, clasping his shoulder as gently as he can.

He listens to the hitched breathing passing through Jim's parted lips.

"Jim," he whispers as he takes the younger's hands away from the panel, feeling the captain's clammy skin against his own. "Hey kid, what is it? Do you want to go inside?"

Jim stands there, his eyes slowly blinking as he stares at the door. Leonard moves his hands to Jim's shoulders and rotates his body so that he's facing the doctor. His heart aches as he takes in that familiar and beloved face, so empty and lifeless.

"Jim," he says a bit louder as he slouches just a bit so he can look up at his friend. What he sees startles Leonard beyond all comprehension. He swears that his eyes have a spark of life in them and that it's really Jim staring back at him.

 _Help me_ , his eyes seem to say. _Please help me…_

Then Jim slips through his fingers, falling towards the ground, limp as a rag doll. Somehow – Leonard has no idea how – he manages to catch Jim before he hits the floor, gathering his upper body against his chest over Scotty's surprised shout and Spock's startled expression. 

But Jim is in his arms, unconscious, and his head is cradled in the hollow of Leonard's throat.

 _It's too much_ , Leonard thinks as he presses his fingers against Jim's pulse, feeling the steady rhythm. "Let's get him inside," he tells Spock, glancing up at the Commander.

"Should we call for medical assistance?" Spock asks as he watches Leonard lift Jim up, holding him securely to his body.

Leonard grunts under the strain of Jim's weight, despite the kid being almost twenty pounds lighter, and makes adjustments as Scotty punches in his override to the doctor's quarters. "He doesn't need medical assistance," Leonard replies. "He needs _you_."

The door slides open with a pneumonic hiss and the lights from the corridor illuminate some of the doctor's quarters. "I don't understand," Spock says as he follows Leonard inside.

Leonard hurries towards his bedroom before his strength gives out and gently deposits Jim on his bed. "You need to do that thing," Leonard says as he pulls out the tricorder and runs it over Jim, watching as the device feeds back the captain's vitals. 

The readings are on the low end of normal, thanks in part to Jim's current condition and his trance-like gallivanting all over the ship.

"Thing?" Spock replies, raising a brow in confusion. "Doctor, I do not understand which _thing_ you are referring to."

Leonard turns his head, frowning. "That Vulcan hoodoo," he tells him with a wild gesture. "Where you stick your fingers in his head."

"You are referring to the mind meld," the commander states, looking mildly offended.

"Yes _that_ ," Leonard snaps as he sets the tricorder down.

Spock folds his arms over his chest, a strange gesture coming from him, and says, "Doctor, you said yourself that performing a mind meld while Jim is in this state -"

"I know what I said, Spock!" Leonard shouts, balling his fists at his side.

Spock looks nonplussed. "Then you already know my answer."

"Goddammit Spock!" Leonard groans. "This is Jim we're talking about!"

"I realize what you are inferring to and while I care for the well-being of our friend and commanding officer, you were logical to assume that the risks outweighed the benefits," Spock counters.

Leonard takes a step forward and shakes his finger in Spock's face. "Now look here, you heartless hobgoblin, I am asking. No - _pleading_ with you to help him. Terran medical science can only go far in a case like this and whatever he saw, whatever happened to him - it's keeping Jim from coming back. If we let nature take its course, it could be months… hell, even _years_ before Jim is even lucid enough to understand what's going on. He's going to be trapped in his own head, Spock!" Leonard swallows down the lump in his throat and tries to blink back the tears in his eyes. "I need you to get in there and bring him back. Can you do that?" 

Spock opens his mouth, then closes it with a hesitant look on his face. 

"Can you do it?" Leonard asks again.

"Doctor, I must caution you-" Spock begins to say. 

Leonard groans in frustration and buries his face in his hands so they don't end up around the commander's throat. "I don't need caution or logic, Spock! Dammit man, this is Jim we're talking about! Do you want him to stay like this?"

"You know I don't."

"Then perform the mind meld." 

The room fills with tension, so icy and palpable that Leonard reasons that a blind man could see it. He and Spock's eyes are locked together, hazel-green against near black, each of them silently pleading in their own way. Scotty stands to the wayside, stiff as a board and oddly silent. 

"Spock," Leonard pleads in a voice that could pass as a whisper, "you saved him once. You can do it again."

Spock stiffens. "That was different."

"It's not."

"You played a vital role in that, doctor," Spock adds, his voice as rigid as ever.

Leonard bows his head and pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "Spock…"

"You will need to realize that I cannot promise that the meld will be sufficient in bringing Jim out of his current condition," Spock tells him.

Leonard looks up, stunned. "So you'll do it?"

"I shall try."

Leonard shakes his head in agreement, still dumbstruck. "What do you need me to do?" he asks as Spock sits down on the edge of the bed, near Jim's head.

"Are his vitals stable?" Spock inquires as he looks over the captain, his expression unreadable.

Leonard nods. "Low end of normal, but it's going to be like that for a while. All things considered."

"Good," Spock replies as he raises a hand to Jim's forehead, his eyes never wavering from the younger man's face. "Now I need you to leave." 

He wants to argue, saying that they're in his goddamn quarters and Jim is _his_ best friend, but Leonard realizes that he's treading on very thin ice with the commander. The doctor swallows his pride and nods before silently departing his bedroom, motioning for Scotty to follow.

"For a moment, I thought the Commander wasn't goin' to agree," Scotty whispers as they sit down on the couch in the main room. He looks shell shocked and slightly pale when Leonard turns to him. 

Leonard shrugs as he leans back into the cushions and says nothing because in all honestly, he had been thinking the same thing. 

"The lad really did it this time," Scotty sighs.

"That is the understatement of the century," Leonard grumbles. They lapse into silence and wait, as there is nothing more that they can do.

It feels like hours that passed when it's only been ten minutes before Spock emerges from Leonard's bedroom, looking startled and paler than normal. 

"What?" Leonard says, leaping to his feet. "What is it?"

Spock shakes his head, the muscles in his throat working, trying to force words out through his mouth. It takes a moment for the half-Vulcan to compose himself, but eventually he does. "He threw me out," he manages to say.

"He what?"

Spock straightens his posture. "Jim threw me out of his mind," he explains as he ducks back into Leonard's bedroom.

The doctor expects the worse, given the commander's uncharacteristic behavior, as he goes back into the bedroom. He swears he's going to find Jim frothing at the mouth and screaming in tongues, but instead finds that Jim is still unconscious. 

"What happened?" Leonard asks apprehensively, as he reaches for the tricorder on his bedside table. He runs the device over Jim's body once more, noting the elevated blood pressure and heart rate that is already starting to fall back within the normal range.

Spock looks at Jim, his aquiline features unreadable, before turning to Leonard. "I performed the mind meld," he starts to explain, his brow furrowing in confusion, "and he rejected me, as if he…" The commander stops speaking and narrows his eyes.

"As if he what Spock?" Leonard urges.

Spock shakes his head. "It's illogical. I must be projecting my own emotions and it's compromising my judgment."

"Spock, what happened?" Leonard sighs, his patience wearing thin. "What did you see?"

"What I saw defies logic," he says. "It was the darkest place I have ever known and while I could not make sense of my surroundings, I could feel Jim's emotions - his fear, his confusion, his sorrow. When I was able to see the essence of him, his emotions became volatile." Spock blinks, as if he's shaking himself out of a daze, and looks at Leonard. "He was able to cast me out of his mind and just as I opened my eyes, I heard him screaming." 

Leonard's jaw is slack and his mouth wide open, drawing in the air of his quarters which has suddenly become stale and stagnant. Bug eyed, he pries his eyes away from Spock's face and looks at Jim, who looks as if what Spock just described was nothing more than an elaborate tale. 

"He needs you, doctor," Spock states, breaking the silence.

Leonard swallows roughly. "I've already done what I can do," he whispers as he reaches out to touch Jim's wrist, his hand hovering over the exposed skin.

"You misunderstand me," Spock tells him. "If I am going to attempt another mind meld, you need to be there in my place."

Leonard snorts in disbelief. "If you haven't noticed, I'm not a Vulcan!" he growls, his eyes burning as he glares at Spock.

"I can act as a conduit," Spock says. "If you allow it."

Leonard chokes out a breath. "You want to be in _my head_?"

"If you are concerned about the meld exposing me to your true feelings for Jim, you needn't worry. I am already aware," Spock replies.

Leonard gawks at him. "What?"

"To be fair, most of the ship knows, though most people assume it's just petty gossip," Spock adds.

Leonard groans and buries his head in his hands. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I assure you, I am not," Spock deadpans, looking as serious as ever. "Doctor, will you do this?"

Leonard glances at Jim through the cracks of his fingers as the smell of his palms sweating fill his nostrils and image of Jim's eyes burning a cerulean blue hole into his brain. 

"What do I have to do?" he asks as he drops his hands into his lap.

 

* * *

 

Leonard gulps back the dryness of his throat as he lays down beside Jim. His mattress feels like he's lying on a slab of concrete and he's shivering from uneasiness. "I just want you to know that I don't like this," he tells Spock who is hovering above him. "Because I don't."

"I have noted your feelings on the matter," Spock replies with a curious tilt of his head.

Leonard breathes in deeply and exhales. "Dammit, Jim," he curses under his breath. "The shit I do for you."

"You do it because you love him," Spock says in all seriousness.

Leonard turns to look at Jim, whose face is tilted away from him. "Yeah," he whispers, his lips quirking into an affectionate smile. "I do."

"You will need to have physical contact with him," Spock explains. "While you will be present in his mind, I believe that Jim requires the bodily assurance that you are truly there with him."

Leonard arches a skeptical brow. "What do you want me to do? Hug him?"

Spock's angled brows disappear under his bangs, the only sign of his annoyance with the doctor, and replies, "Turn to your side, facing Jim." 

Leonard does as he's told without complaint and watches as Jim's body is turned on his side by gentle green tinged hands. 

"Move closer to him and hold his hands," Spock orders. Leonard rolls his eyes and scoots close enough that he feels Jim's breath rushing over his cheek.

He reaches for Jim's limp hands, feeling the dry and calloused skin under his own. 

"Are you ready?" Spock asks.

Leonard looks to the much beloved face in front of him and yearns to see those full lips smile once more as the corner of his eyes crinkle. "As I'll ever be," he replies, tightening his grip on Jim's hands.

"My mind to your mind," Spock says as he touches Leonard's forehead before the doctor is tossed into darkness.

 _At first there is darkness, loneliness, and uncertainty before it recedes to a shuttle flying through space._ _Leonard, shell shocked, wanders to the front of the Beta Shuttle as he marvels at his surroundings. Ahead of him is stars, shining so brightly against the vacuum of space._

_And him._

_Jim's laughter rings through the shuttle as he hears a familiar voice over the shuttle's communicator._

_"Goddammit kid," he hears himself curse over the comm, "no more loopy-loops! Get your ass back here before I make someone fly out to get you!"_

_Jim just laughs, the sound louder as Leonard approaches him. He can see a mischievous smile on his friend's lips and the way his eyes crinkle. "Bones, you need to get out more."_

_"Captain," he hears Spock say, "it would be wise for you to return."_

_Jim rolls his eyes, snorting. "You two are no fun," he mutters into the comm._ _The shuttle trembles and Jim is quick to correct it. Leonard can see the concentration winding tightly around his friend's features as he flies the shuttle back to the ship – their home._

_The meld shifts to Shuttle Bay as Jim powers down the Beta shuttle, going through the motions that they were taught in the Academy._

_Leonard hears a hiss coming from the shuttle doors as they open._ _"I'm powering down, Bones," Jim says distractedly. "Just calm the hell down before you hypo me to death."_

_What happens next Leonard cannot explain. He sees Spock standing in the doorway, flanked by Hendorff and Nyota._

_Except, it's not them – not really._

_Spock is wearing Command gold instead of his blues, the color washing out his green tinged skin and giving it an eerie, unnatural cast. His dark eyes are still stoic, but there is a madness in them that Leonard is not used to seeing._ _He watches as Spock snarls and turns to Hendorff, silently beckoning him to do his bidding as Nyota, looking wild and untamed like a panther watches in grim entertainment._

_"Okay," Jim says as he starts to turn, "done. Now you can yell at me to your heart's con…hey Cupcake, I thought you weren't on until Beta shift."_

_Hendorff sneers as he grabs Jim by the front of his uniform and yanks him out of his seat. "Watch who you're calling Cupcake," the man growls before delivering a punch to Jim's face._

_Leonard hears Jim's cry of surprise as the security officer's fist connects with his nose. Blood, bright and crimson, spurts out his nose and onto the black material of his uniform._

_"Jesus fucking…what the hell is wrong with you?" Jim barks as Hendorff drops him onto the ground. He lets out another incoherent shout as Hendorff kicks him in the stomach._

_Spock steps into the shuttle, passing by Leonard as if he was a ghost, and squats down next to Jim. He reaches out, grabbing the captain by the chin, ignoring the blood and drool that coats his fingers._

_"Mutiny," Jim slurs, his blue eyes blazing in rage. "Really Spock? After all we've been through?"_

_Spock raises a brow. "This is my ship," he tells Jim, relaxing his grip and letting Jim fall face first onto the floor without a single care._

_Leonard watches as Jim squirms on the floor, coughing and spitting blood between his lips. "Fuck you," he hears his friend say._

_"Take him down under," Spock orders Hendorff before turning to Nyota. "And you – get my toy."_

_The scene shifts again – too fast for him – as he follows behind a dazed Jim who is slung over Hendorff's shoulder. His wrists are bound behind him by black cuffs that are almost too tight around the delicate skin._

_"Jim," he hisses, darting around Hendorff to meet Jim's eye._ _His pupils are unequal, indicating a concussion, and their movements are sluggish as Jim's face bounces against Hendorff's back._ _"Come on, kid," Leonard says, panicked. "Look at me. It's just a dream."_

_Because it has to be a dream – that's the only way this makes sense._

_Hendorff is now whistling as he starts punching in a code into a door panel, bringing Leonard back to present._

_As he surveys his surroundings, he can taste the fear and confusion that radiates from Jim's psyche. Leonard realizes that he is in the exact corridor he, Spock, Scotty, and Jim occupied not even an hour before._ _The door hisses as it opens and he hears Hendorff say, "Lights – thirty-two percent."_

 _The room lights up and Leonard gasps._ _He's in the room that not even Scotty was aware of. Instead of dust on the floor, there is dried blood from various beings, mixing into a black substance that stains the floor._ _The room smells of death and Leonard wants to gag._

_"_ _I hope you don't mind," he hears Hendorff tell Jim as he drops the captain on the ground and slides a hook through the center of the cuffs, "but you're going to hanging around here for a bit."_

_Jim groans in reply._ _"Oh, now you're not so tough now, cadet," Hendorff snaps as he walks over to a lever._

_This seems to earn Jim's attention and wrath. "It's captain, you idiot."_

_Hendorff glares at him as he hits the lever, roughly jerking Jim upright. "It's captain," he echoes. "Who's the fucking idiot now, cadet?"_

_"I should have left you on Kronos," Jim growls at him as he struggles to find his footing._

_Hendorff arches a brow. "Whatever," he replies as Spock walks in, holding a whip in his hand._

_The light catches on the shining ends of the multi-tailed whip, jarring Leonard's memories of Dr. Ta'al's medical report._ _"I am not going to beat around the bush, Doctor McCoy. I believe that Captain Kirk was beaten at some point during his disappearance, possibly tortured. The healed lacerations are consistent with a whip of some sort and with multiple lashes," he recalls her saying._

 _Leonard shakes his head as he watches Spock walk around Jim's defenseless body, eying him over before shaking his head._ _"Officer," he says, "you know the drill."_

 _Hendorff nods and takes a knife out of his pocket as he approaches Jim, whose eyes widen._ _"What the fuck?" he shouts, trying to kick the burly officer. "Get off me. Cupcake, you piece of…"_

_A hard blow collides with Jim's head, followed by another one that ignites a howl of pain._

_"One more for old time's sake," Spock purrs uncharacteristically and smiles in appreciation as Hendorff punches Jim again._

_Judging by the screams that fills the room, Leonard determines that the punch hit Jim hard enough to rupture the thin membrane in his ear._ _As Jim's whimpering of pain continues, Hendorff removes his shoes, then his socks, tossing them across like trash._

_He pulls down Jim's pants and underwear in a single motion, leaving the captain's bottom half naked._ _Hendorff chuckles as he grips Jim's ass in his hand, pinching the skin too tightly before he starts to haphazardly cut off his black shirt._

_The scene changes again and Leonard can hear Jim's relentless sobbing as Spock abuses and torments his body with the whip._ _He watches in horror as blood spatters and flies off Jim's body thanks to the blade sharp edges of the silver tails._ _They steadily grow darker and darker as Jim's blood stains the metal._

_"Now," Leonard hears Spock say as he paces around Jim's body, his fingers tracing the lines of the spikes attached to the multi-tailed whip, "I will ask you the question once more and I suggest you answer it."_

_Terror radiates through the air, slowly choking Leonard with its essence. It's like gunpowder, the coppery scent of blood, and human bile._ _He watches as Jim swallows back a sob and squeezes his eyes shut, willing away this nightmare as tears stream down his face._

_"Jim," Spock whispers. "Jim, open your eyes."_

_Leonard swallows down the sick feeling in his stomach. "Jim, it's okay," he says. "Jim, wake up. It's not real."_ _He watches Jim bite his lip to keep himself from screaming and the motion of him shaking his head._

_"Jim," Spock purrs, making Jim shudder as the leather and metal touches his naked body, making the wounds bleed once more._

_"Jim," Leonard cries out, standing next to his friend. "It's not real! Listen to me!"_ _He hears Jim's thoughts as they scream_ nothimnothimnothim _over and over again._

_"Captain," Spock says as malice curls around the word. "Captain James T. Kirk, open your eyes."_

_Jim's breath hitches in his chest and shakes his head once more, barely if at all._ _Leonard falls backward as Spock grabs Jim's face with a vice-like grip. "Are we crying again?" Spock asks, ridiculing him. "Such a pitiful display of emotion."_

_He lets go of Jim's face and ignores the younger man's groan of pain. "Let's try this again," he says. "How were you able to fake your death and escape Delta Vega?"_

_Leonard starts and pales. "Wait, what?"_

_"I already told you," Jim rasps, "I'm not who you think I am."_

_"You are Cadet James Tiberius Kirk, are you not?"_

_Jim groans in frustration. "I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk."_

_"You keep repeating these falsehoods… these delusions," Spock replies in a cool tone. He begins to circle Jim, slapping the whip against the palm of his hand. "You know perfectly well that I am captain of this ship, yet you continue to provoke me with these lies. Why is that, Jim?"_

_Leonard shakes his head. "He is the captain! What the hell are you talking about?"_

_The blows start again, each snap of Spock's wrist growing steadily violent as time stops. Leonard can hear Jim's screaming, feel and taste his terror._ Bones _– his mind calls out –_ I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

_"Jim!" Leonard screams as the blows continue, falling further down his body, stripping the skin. "Jim! I'm here!"_

_The exchange between Spock and Jim becomes jumbled, gargled – the pain becoming clearer and sharper until it stops and everything falls silent._

_Until the tidal wave comes back, duller this time and Leonard hears a voice._

_His voice._

_"Jim?"_

_Leonard finds himself in Med Bay and staring at himself – another version that looks haunted to see Jim laying on the BioBed._

_His twin is so different from he, so lifeless and defeated, and in awe of Jim as they stare at each other._

_The scene starts to play in fast forward and Leonard can't catch a single word. The sensation of Jim's panic is all around him as Spock comes back, then disappears to be replaced by this Leonard and Jim's exchange that gradually slows down._

_"Second of March."_

_"What about it?" A moment later, Leonard hears: "Bones? Bones… what about the second of March?"_

_"It's nothing, kid."_

_"Clearly it is. Tell me."_

_"More than friends," he hears the other Leonard whisper, the pain of remembrance in his voice. "My Jim and I were more than friends."_

_Leonard lets out a cry of surprise as the world shifts, rapid and unhinged as Jim's emotions surge and charge without hesitation._

_There is a kiss, screaming and shouting, panic, frustration, fear, bravery, sadness, confusion, and Pike._

_T_ _hey are on an icy planet – Delta Vega if Leonard's memory serves correctly and Pike is still alive. He looks vastly different – like a wild beast, contained to a hell not of his own making._ _But there is still a warmth about him that makes Jim fall apart at the seams._

 _The want of missing a loved one, the disbelief of their arms wrapped around you in comfort, their voice as they bestow wisdom._ _There is a body, a body that looks just like Jim, tucked away in an escape pod._ _There is screaming – the other Leonard screaming as Jim is dragged back to a shuttle._

_There is Nyota as she straddles Jim with her knife buried in his shoulder._

_He hears his own voice, screaming and ragged, cursing Nyota as he kills her without hesitation. "I'm going to kill you, then I'm going to kill him. That's right – I'm going to pull the fucking trigger that ends him. I'll follow him into the depths of hell if I have to."_

_"Bones! Stop!"_

_There is darkness._

_There is light._

_Pike is back and whispering quiet words over Jim's sobs._

_There is a dim room and two bodies that are moving against each other, their shuddering breaths and moans echoing off walls._

_He hears the sound of kissing, sloppy and desperate, and a voice whispering a single word: Bones._ _Leonard steps closer, peering over the naked back of a man, whose skin glistens with sweat. He swallows in discomfort, as if he's intruding._

_He hears the voice again, louder this time._

Bones.

 _The man moves his head and buries his face in the hollow of his partner's throat -_ _Jim's throat._

 _Leonard cries out in incredulity and lets his mouth fall open._ _Jim's partner raises his head and in the poor lighting, Leonard catches a glimpse of his own face before he lowers his lips to Jim's with a smile._ _He watches as Jim arches his back and moans loudly into the other Leonard's mouth._

_Then he feels loved, cared for… happy._

_"I just think…what if I'm not meant to go back?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Maybe I don't belong there anymore. Maybe I was meant to come here all long and make things right."_

_Happy in a place filled with darkness, where there shouldn't be happiness but there is._

_"Jim. I see you. Just you, no one else."_

_There is betrayal with the best intentions, heartbreak, anger, and helplessness._

_"I could have loved you."_

_Leonard feels tears forming in his eyes. "Jim," he says as the scenes shift and churn. "Jim…I 'm sorry."_

_There is Pike yelling and the other Leonard's steadfast comfort._ _There is a Shuttle Bay and a ship under attack._ _There is Spock – the other Spock – but it's all the same. He and Jim are fighting, injuring each other despite the latter's sorrow of doing so._ _There is a mind meld and an understanding and there is death._

 _There is Jim stumbling from shuttle to shuttle with a broken body and an equally broken heart._ _There is a shuttle, then there is nothing._

_"Jim," he hears the other Leonard say._

Bones.

_"I want you to listen to me."_

Bones.

_"I want you to know that I would have loved spending every moment with you – watching you be a captain because I know that you're a damn good one despite what you say. I would have loved having you in my arms every night and seeing those blue eyes when you woke up in the morning."_

Bones, not like this.

_"I would have loved spending my life with you. Every single second of every single day; I know that we would have been happy."_

Please Bones.

_"Jim it's going to be okay."_

Don't do this to me.

_"It's going to be okay."_

Bones, I love you.

_"I love you, too," both Leonards say._

Please don't leave me.

 _"I'm not," Leonard says as the other one says, "Be brave, Jim."_ _There is a ring being removed from a pinkie finger, its materials catching in the light as it's put into the pocket of Jim's jacket. "_ _You keep this safe, you hear?"_

Bones, no.

_"I love you, Jim."_

_Then there is grief and rage – all so fluid and mixing together as the Beta Shuttle flies out of the ship._

Not you, not you, Bones.

 _There is Jim on unsteady feet, catching an exploding ship that burns brightly then disappears._ _There is Jim's anguish, so palpable and suffocating as it fills the shuttle._ _Until…_

_"Jim," Leonard says as he kneels down next to his friend. "Look at me."_

_Jim obeys and stares at him with glassy eyes that are red from crying. "Why did you leave me?"_

_"I'm right here," Leonard tells him as he reaches to brush the sweaty hair off Jim's forehead. "I didn't leave you."_

_Jim swallows as more tears stream down his face. "But you did," he cries. "You did."_

_"I'm here," Leonard replies, shaking his head. "Jim. I'm right here."_

_Jim shudders and whimpers. "You're dead. You're dead."_

_"I'm alive," he says. "Jim, I'm alive. I'm waiting for you to come back."_

_Jim closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I'm never coming back. I'm lost. You left me."_

_"He left you," Leonard insists. "I'm right here."_

_Those too blue eyes stare at him, flickering between life and death. "Where are we?"_

_"We're home," Leonard tells him. "We're home, but you need to come back to me. You can't do this to yourself."_

_Jim's lower lip trembles as he focuses on his surroundings. "I made it home?" he asks, awed._

_"Yes," Leonard replies. "You did."_

_Jim's face crumbles as sobs wrack his body. "Jesus," he chokes. "Bones."_

_"I'm here," Leonard says as he grabs Jim's closed fist, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles. He watches as Jim looks down at the doctor's hand, his eyes widening when he spots Leonard's ring on his pinkie. "Jim?"_

_Jim looks up, as if he's seeing for the first time. "Where are we?"_

_"We're in the Beta Shuttle."_

_Jim swallows, roughly, as tears stream into the sides of his mouth. "You said we are home."_

_"We're in your mind," Leonard corrects himself. "You were found by another ship and we brought you home."_

_Jim shudders again. "I'm sick."_

_"Yes," Leonard says as he holds Jim's other hand. "You're sick."_

_Jim swallows back a sob and shakes his head again. "I'm sick," he tells Leonard. "I'm stuck here."_

_"No," Leonard replies, his own voice breaking. "You can come back."_

_"How?"_

_"Fly us home."_

_Jim looks confused until his eyes rest on something in front of them. Slowly, he rises to his feet, keeping one hand clasped to Leonard's. "Fly us home?" he asks. "You hate it when I fly."_

_"I'm willing to make an exception," Leonard tells him, squeezing his hand. "Just this once."_

_They look at each other._

_"Just this once?" Jim asks._

_Yes._

_Just this once._

 

* * *

 

Leonard blinks away the remaining effects of the mind meld and swallows in a lungful of oxygen as if he was breathing for the first time. The sparkling darkness recedes and he finds himself in the familiarity of his quarters, his bed pressed against his side - cradling him, holding him. 

He hears someone gasp, their breath moving his hair and cooling his sweat coated forehead, and the sensation of his hands being squeezed. 

_Jim._

Leonard looks to see Jim lying next to him, his startling blue eyes glistening with unshed tears as he stares back at him. The younger man looks so fragile, so pale as he takes in his surroundings with uncomprehending eyes. 

"Bones?" he asks in a small voice, rough with disuse. 

Leonard swallows back the sob when he hears Jim calling him that ridiculous, stupid nickname - the one that he tried to ignore until he was resigned to answer to it, despite how much he hated it. 

Now it sounds like a litany. 

"Bones?" Jim sobs, his confusion crumbling as tears soak his cheeks. "Bones?"

Leonard nods, his composure that was already waning gives way to tears of pure and utter relief as he pulls Jim into his arms, squeezing him as tightly as he dares. "I'm here," he says over Jim's sobbing. "I'm here. You're home. It's okay." 

He presses his cheek against Jim's hair, breathing him in and letting his tears disappear into dirty blond strands. Jim is fisting the back of his uniform and holding on for dear life as he babbles into Leonard's shoulder, his words muffled. 

"Shh," Leonard soothes as he pulls back and brushes his thumb against Jim's cheek, wiping away tears with a gentle touch. Leonard sees a smile break out on Jim's chapped lips, a smile of complete relief and joy. It's so genuine and bright that the doctor swears he's looking directly into the sun.

"It's you," he hears Jim whisper.

Leonard nods. "Yeah, kid, it's me."


	9. Chapter 9

"So it seems that the ionic disturbance transported the captain into an alternate reality," Spock says, sitting across from Leonard in Jim's main living area. 

Leonard raises a brow, silently questioning the commander. 

"It's not so farfetched," Spock explains. "After all, Nero was able to access our own reality via a black hole. Who's to say that the anomaly cannot be replicated elsewhere?"

Leonard shrugs. "Except the reality Jim fell into was a nightmare," he replies quietly, glancing towards the open doorway that leads to Jim's bedroom.

The lights are dim - in fact, they are hardly even on - but the doctor leaves them like that so when Jim wakes up from his nap, he will know where he is.

"Yes," Spock says darkly. "Admiral Archer informed me that Starfleet has decided to send two research vessels - the _USS Minerva_ and the _USS Armstrong_ \- to monitor and report back on their findings."

Leonard scratches his head, nodding. "I suppose that's the right thing to do," he sighs, "so it doesn't happen to someone else."

"It is also logical to ensure that they cannot cross over to our reality," Spock adds. 

It is logical and Leonard involuntary shudders to think what would happen if those people - those horrible caricatures of themselves - came here: what horrors they would bring, what destruction they would cause, and what it would do to Jim to have to relive it. 

"Doctor?" Spock asks, tilting his head. "Are you well?"

Leonard blinks, realizing that he had gotten lost in his own thoughts. "I'm fine," he replies. "Just tired."

"The mind melds residual effects have been recorded to last up to a week," Spock comments. "It has only been three days since the meld was conducted and given its…"

"Intensity?" Leonard offers with a rueful grin.

Spock's lips quirk. "An apt choice of words," he remarks. "I can assure you that the affects you are experiencing are normal, doctor."

Leonard sighs heavily. "That and Jim's sleep schedule is all off," he explains. "Damn kid woke me up at three in the morning to see if I wanted to play a game of chess. And I hate chess!"

Spock raises a brow as the corners of his mouth curl into what must be a smile. "Perhaps we should consider it a good sign that Jim's personality has remained intact?"

"He's lucky I haven't hypoed him into next century," Leonard tries to grumble, except it comes out in a chuckle. "God, sometimes I want to throttle him, but at times like these - when we've come so close to losing him - I just let him get away with it."

"When there are near-tragic occurrences, it is a reminder to appreciate the things we usually take for granted," Spock tells him. Leonard raises a questioning brow. "It is logic," Spock adds.

Leonard shakes his head. "It's poetic," he counters with a grin.

"How is the captain feeling?" Spock asks, changing the subject.

Leonard glances towards the bedroom. "He's exhausted - normal given the circumstances," he explains as he turns back to the commander. 

He's sure that Spock knows that exhausted is an understatement and is happy that the commander doesn't press him. Their captain and friend is beyond exhausted - he's fallen apart, though Leonard won't admit it to another else, _but_ Jim.

He's been resting the majority of the time since coming out of his stupor and when Jim is awake - in two or three hour spurts that Leonard feels are too far between for his liking - it's a weaker version of himself.

He's there and present, but so docile, so opposite of the Jim _he knows_ that part of Leonard is terrified that his friend is going to slip away again. 

So Leonard sleeps next to him, partially so he can whisper into Jim's ear to stay with him and because Jim is too afraid to be alone at night.

Not that Leonard minds waking to find Jim's head pillowed against his shoulder and a limp arm wrapped around the doctor's middle. For them to be pressed so close together, fitting like puzzle pieces.

To him, it's the most perfect sight in the universe to see Jim's sleeping face so close to his own.

It makes the times when Jim screams himself -- or them both, like last night -- awake more bearable as the other Leonard's name on his lips as he relives the moments leading up to the doctor's death in nightmares. 

It's always the same: Jim is fighting against the bed linens, thinking he is still strapped to the pilot's chair in the Beta Shuttle, as the other Leonard goes to his death. His helpless, hysterical crying punctuate the captain's quarters, pleading for the man not to leave him until his nightmare turns to the Leonard that has his arms wrapped around him in an effort to keep Jim from hurting himself. 

"Shh," Leonard remembers whispering into Jim's hair, holding the younger man's trembling body. "Jim, it's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?" 

It takes forever for Jim to come out it and leaves Leonard subjected to listening to desperate _I'm sorrys_ , _please don't leaves_ , and _no Bones_ until those teary blue eyes look up at him and Jim lets out a sob of relief. He loosens his hold and cradles Jim to his chest, rocking him until the captain calms down or falls asleep.

"Doctor?" Spock asks.

Leonard blinks, realizing that his mind has wandered off. "Sorry," he says, clearing his throat. "I have him on a round of nutrient boosters to help Jim gain back some of the weight he's lost and the anti-anxiety medication seems to be helping. At least last night was his last hypo of antibiotics."

"That is an improvement," Spock remarks.

Leonard nods. "I asked Geoff to bring a portable regen unit over tomorrow, during Beta shift. Even if Jim is asleep, it would probably make him happy to know that he'll wake up and the scar will be gone."

Spock's expression darkens. "As would I."

"Spock," Leonard says gently. "You realize that Jim knows it wasn't you."

Spock presses his lips together in a thin line, clearly indicating his feelings.

"You have to know that," Leonard urges. "Spock?"

Spock nods. "It was difficult watching what Jim suffered at the hands of my counterpart - both of them. While Jim has conveyed his feelings on the matter in private, it still disturbs me that I _could_ be capable of such destructive actions."

"We all could," Leonard adds, quietly. "But we don't."

"This is correct," Spock replies. They fall silent again, each man deeply involved with their own thoughts when Spock's comm beeps from his pocket. "This is Spock," he says.

"Admiral Archer is on video comm in the Ready Room," says Nyota over the speaker.

Spock raises a brow. "I was not expecting him," he replies. "Did he say what this was regarding?"

"He said that he wanted to talk - off the record," Nyota answers.

Spock nods. "I shall be there shortly," he says before closing the device. "I know that the Admiral is anxious to speak to Jim personally."

"Well, he'll have to wait along with everyone else back at Starfleet," Leonard tells the commander as he stands up and starts walking him to the door. "Did he say when they'll want to speak with Jim about what happened?"

"I already filed my report, which the Admiral agrees shall be enough to close the investigation," Spock replies, surprising the doctor. "He feels that given the circumstances, it would be unwise to subject Jim to further questioning."

Leonard lets out a sigh. "Thank you," he says quietly. "Really, Spock. Thank you."

"You are welcome," the commander replies. "Please tell Jim that I am sorry that I missed him and that next time, we will play a game of chess."

"Will do," Leonard tells him before the door opens and Spock leaves, heading towards the bridge. As the door closes with a hiss, Leonard finds himself immersed in near silence and without anything pressing. It's strange to be in Jim's quarters during his normal shift instead of Med Bay, when they should both be on duty. 

Though, technically, Leonard _is_ on duty. It was decided the day after Jim came out of his catatonic stupor that he would spend his time recovering in the familiarity of his quarters. 

"This will be good for you," Leonard told him as he tucked Jim into his own bed. "You need to be in a comfortable and familiar setting, even though we all know how much you love Med Bay."

Jim nodded, tiredly, before frowning as his blue eyes took in his surroundings. "Who changed my sheets?"

"I did," Leonard replied without missing a beat, catching the baffled expressed on Jim's face. "Now just say thank you and shut up." 

Jim had choked out a thank you in between weak laughter. Normally Leonard would launch into what an ungrateful brat his friend was, but the sound of that familiar chuckle put a smile on his face.

Picking up his PADD and tricorder, he goes into Jim's bedroom, quietly commanding the lights to turn on just a hair brighter.

Jim has somehow managed to unconsciously kick all the blankets to the end, spilling them onto the floor.

Shaking his head, Leonard sets down the items in his hands and goes to fix the mess of sheets and blankets. Leonard used to do this when they were both still in the Academy and Jim would spend the night on his couch after a night of studying or heavy drinking. He would stumble into the main living area of his single, a perk of being in the Medical track, and find Jim halfway falling off the couch and completely oblivious. 

As he's draping the bed linens over Jim's back, Leonard hears the younger man yawning and groaning before he stretches out like a lazy cat and his eyes flutter open. "Mornin' sunshine," Leonard quips as he sits down on the edge of the bed, watching Jim as he comes out of his nap.

Jim blinks owlishly. "What time is it?"

"About thirteen hundred," the doctor responses.

Jim startles, lifting his head off the pillow. "Really?"

"Yeah," he says, patting Jim's shoulder as the younger man frowns. "You needed it."

Jim wrinkles his nose. "I know," he grumbles as he turns over onto his back, his shirt riding up and exposing a thin line of pale skin. "I can't believe you're letting M'Benga run your Sick Bay."

"He is perfectly capable of doing it while I'm here with you," Leonard says as he reaches for his tricorder and starts running it over Jim.

Jim lies still and closes his eyes. "He'll probably start reordering your inventory."

"If he does that, I will murder him and make it look like an accident," Leonard quips as he focuses on the readings of the device.

Jim snorts back a laugh and opens his eyes, grinning weakly. "What are you going to do? Push him down a flight of stairs?"

"Something more creative," Leonard replies without looking up. "Accidental overdose on sex pollen." 

Jim chuckles for a few moments before he quiets down and watches Leonard input his latest readouts into the PADD. As Leonard is sending the information off to M'Benga, he hears Jim whisper, "I'm sorry about last night."

He stops typing and looks over the screen from his PADD to Jim, who is blushing furiously and looking sheepishly at Leonard before he breaks their eye contact. "Jim," Leonard says, setting the PADD down on the bedside table.

"I shouldn't have…" Jim's voice trails off and his features darken. In the low light, Leonard can see the younger man's eyes glistening. "Sorry."

Leonard moves to the bed, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress to allow Jim some space. He watches his friend as he picks at his cuticles rather than look the doctor in the eye. "What _exactly_ are you apologizing for, Jim?"

"Everything," Jim says in a broken voice as his eyes close, unleashing a single tear that rolls down his cheeks.

Leonard raises a brow. "Kid, you're going to need to be more specific," he replies as he scoots closer to Jim.

Jim shakes his head, sniffling back a whimper. Despite the poor lighting, Leonard can see that Jim is pressing his trembling lips together in a tight line to keep himself from crying out. 

It doesn't take much to figure out what the younger man is referring to. No longer able to keep away, Leonard moves closer to the captain and pulls him into his arms.

He bites his lip when he hears Jim's shuddering cry and rests his head under Leonard's chin. "Jim," Leonard soothes as he strokes the younger man's arm with his fingers. "There is nothing to apologize for, okay?"

Jim is shaking his head. "I shouldn't have harassed Spock into letting me fly the Beta Shuttle," he hiccups. "I should have stayed on board...I should have stayed here."

Leonard finds himself rocking them back and forth as Jim falls apart, babbling "I'm sorrys" and "I should haves" incoherently. He lets him because he knows that despite the bravado and cocky airs, Jim needs this release.

He needs his best friend to stay silent and to hold him through the worst of the tears and nightmares and rollercoaster ride of emotions. Eventually Jim's voice is reduced to ragged breathing and hiccups as he rests against Leonard, wrung out and exhausted.

Just when Leonard thinks that Jim has fallen asleep, he hears Jim whisper, "What's wrong with me?"

"You're exhausted," Leonard explains. "You've been through hell and back, kid."

"I'm the captain," he counters, morosely.

Leonard holds him a bit tighter and presses his lips into Jim's hair, hoping that the gesture - meant to be comforting - isn't too forward. "You're also human," he replies against his scalp. "Despite what others may think."

"I'm supposed to be leading everyone on this ship and setting an example," Jim mumbles as he relaxes into Leonard, nuzzling his head against his throat.

Leonard glances down and rolls his eyes. "You are a damn fine leader, Jim," he says. "And I'm not just saying that as your friend - I mean it. You have nothing to prove to anyone on this ship or throughout the fleet." 

Jim is quiet and seems to be mulling over what the doctor has said. 

"I know what you said to him," Leonard tells him - referring to the other Leonard. "And while Spock has many qualities that could make him a decent captain, he's not you. We need you, kid." 

Jim is trembling in his arms again, his breath hitching and his tears wet against Leonard's skin. 

"I need you," Leonard whispers, his own eyes watering. "So you take all the time you want because no one is expecting you to be back at a hundred percent immediately. You get your rest and you take your time."

"But I'm the captain," Jim cries softly. "I can't be like _this_ …"

"Right now you're just Jim," Leonard tells him as he cards his fingers through the younger man's hair, not caring if Jim's tears and mucus are wetting the front of his shirt. "And you can fall apart because I'll be here to put you back together again." 

His statement holds so many unsaid implications and it's the closest Leonard's gotten to saying those three words. 

It's not direct, but for the time being it works.

 

* * *

 

Leonard wakes up to the door chime and Jim curled up against his chest with one of his fists clutching the front of his shirt.

It takes some stealthy movements, but Leonard manages to untangle himself from Jim's grasp and settles him onto the bed just as the chime rings again. Pulling the blankets over him, Leonard leaves Jim in bed as he answers the door on the fourth ring. 

As the door slides open, he sees its Nyota and she's carrying food from the mess. "Did I wake you?" she asks.

Leonard steps aside to let her into Jim's quarters. "It's fine," he assures her, keeping his voice low as he watches her set the food down on the desk. "We had a bad day." 

It sounds silly to say it aloud, given Jim's only been fully lucid for a few days, but Leonard feels he owes Nyota an explanation. Well – everyone an explanation, really.

"Oh?" she comments, looking up at Leonard with concern. "Is he okay?"

Leonard shrugs. "He will be," he says, glancing towards Jim's bedroom. "Damn kid needs to remember that he's not Superman."

"He wouldn't be Kirk if he did that," Nyota jokes as she starts removing covers from the food.

Leonard sighs. "Normally I would agree with you, but now… the situation is _different_ ," he says. He meets Nyota's gaze and his lips twitch. "I don't know what Spock told you…"

"He didn't tell me much other than it was traumatic for Jim," Nyota replies with an understanding smile that has a hint of sadness. "Spock is leaving it up to Jim make the decision to tell me what happened or if he even wants to."

Leonard nods, silently thanking the commander's staunch logic for once. "I'll go wake him," he tells her as he starts towards the bedroom. He stops short and turns around. "Don't be surprised if he nods off."

"Len," Nyota sighs, shaking her head affectionately. "It's fine. Just go get him."

It takes an impatient gesture from Nyota to get him moving. Jim is where he left him, curled on his side and his head cradled by the pillow that Leonard occupied, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Leonard leans over him, gently shaking his shoulder. "Jim," he says, watching as the younger man's features contort. "Dinner time."

Jim's eyes flutter open and he focuses on Leonard with a sleepy stare. "Dinner?" he asks in a raspy voice as he presses a palm over a closed eyelid and yawns.

"Yeah kid," Leonard replies, pulling back the blankets. "Nyota's here, too."

He sees the uncertain expression on Jim's face - the fear, the discomfort. "She is?" Jim wonders aloud as he swings his sock covered feet over the edge of the bed. "Bones…"

"It's just dinner, kid," Leonard tells him as he hands Jim a sweatshirt, watching as the younger man pulls it over his head and settles it on his body. He chuckles when he sees Jim's head coming through the hood with a scowl on his face. "If it gets too uncomfortable for you, you can fake falling asleep."

That brings a smile to Jim's lips. "Isn't that considered ethically amoral, doctor?" he asks as they make their way to the main living area.

"I won't tell if you don't," Leonard replies in a low voice as they step into the living area.

Nyota has finished setting up dinner, a casual affair, and is admiring her handiwork when she happens to turn her head to see them. "Hey stranger," she says to Jim with a grin plastered on her face. 

Jim hesitates for the fewest of seconds before going to Nyota, who exchanges a bothered expression with Leonard over the younger man's shoulder. 

Dinner is a quiet affair with only Uhura and Leonard keeping the conversation alive while Jim eats half of his dinner before poking at the rest with his fork. Though Nyota doesn't know exactly what happened to Jim, she treats him as she always has and makes sure that the captain doesn't see the raised brows and worried glances.

Jim starts to nod off against Leonard's shoulder as he and Nyota discuss the ship's ongoing. The pressure of Jim's head against his shoulder gets heavier and heavier before Jim jerks, startling himself awake. 

"Okay kid," Leonard says as he sets down his plate. "It's past your bedtime."

Jim scowls at him, tiredly, and mumbles, "It's _always_ my bedtime."

Nyota giggles as Leonard hauls Jim to his feet and guides him back to bed. As the doctor deposits the younger man on the bed and goes to retrieve his med kit for Jim's nightly hypos, Leonard hears her clearing up in the main room. "I hate this," Jim grumbles as he takes off his sweatshirt.

Leonard sits down next to him, hypos ready. "We already talked about the hypos," he says as he presses the hypo against the pale skin of Jim's neck and pulls the trigger.

"No," Jim hisses. "This. Being tired all of the time."

Leonard unloads another hypo into Jim's system. "You are three days out of a catatonic stupor – what you are experiencing is normal," he explains. As he puts the empty hypos back, Leonard turns back to Jim. "I know you hate this."

Jim shrugs as he falls back on the mattress and makes himself comfortable before Leonard pulls the blankets up to his shoulder. "Thanks Bones," he whispers.

"Anytime kid," he replies back before commanding the lights down.

When he goes back out to the main room, Nyota looks upset though she's trying to keep her emotions in check. "Leonard," she says quietly, her eyes bright.

Leonard nods. "He's going to be all right."

"He's like a different person," she replies in a harsh whisper. "No one told me…" Nyota brings a hand up to her cheek and wipes away her tears.

Leonard pulls her into a hug and leans his head against hers. "He's going to be fine," he tells her. "It's going to take some time, but Jim is going to be fine."

"I never imagined him like that…" he hears her choke into his shoulder. When Nyota pulls away her cheeks are wet. "I want to kill the people who did this to him."

Leonard presses his lips together and swallows roughly. "They were taken care of," he assures her.

"How do you know?"

"Because it's Jim and he's come back from worse than this," Leonard replies, half lying. Being dead is one thing – a frightening thing – but coming back from hell…

…that is something else entirely.


	10. Chapter 10

By all accounts the days that follow are good days, mostly because Jim is able to truly rest. 

Leonard rouses him in the mornings to help him into the head to take a shower under the sonics and get some cereal in him before Jim all but passes out on the couch. 

It doesn’t matter that Jim drools a bit on the pillow underneath his head or doesn’t so much as twitch when the tricorder is humming over him. 

So Leonard gets Jim to fall into a routine: shower, breakfast, morning nap, lunch, reading or a holovid, dinner, hypos, and bed.

It’s simple and uncomplicated. There’s room to make adjustments as Jim recovers and best of all, Jim is resting – _actually_ resting – and isn’t trying to escape his quarters to find something to keep him busy.  
  
His command crew comes by to visit and Leonard watches how Jim warily tolerates Nyota, Sulu, and Spock’s presence. 

He knows that Jim is reminded of their counterparts and while he knows that he’s home, the young captain can’t seem to shake the memory of what those people did to him. Jim is always polite and tries his damnedest to be engaged, but Leonard can see how drained the visits leave him. Spock, who has been scarce since taking over as captain, keeps his visits short.

Despite being his robotic exterior, Leonard can see the concern whenever Spock goes to leave. They are both wondering the same thing – will Jim be able to truly recover?

Neither man kids themselves since they have witnessed firsthand the terrors that their friend and captain endured during the mind meld. 

All they can do is wait and see.  
  
At least Chekov and Scotty’s visits bring a tired smile to Jim’s face. Their constant chatter about anything and everything and all the things in between fills the captain’s quarters with laughter. 

It may distract Leonard from his work, but it’s better than the uncomfortable silences and painful small talk that he’s used to hearing when others come to visit.

“They saved me,” Jim whispers to Leonard one night as they lie in bed, underneath the low light of the room. He avoids the doctor’s eyes and stares at his fingers. “When I was there… they helped get me home.”  
  
Leonard already knows this, having seen it during the mind meld.

He turns on his side, facing Jim. “And what about him?” he asks, referring to his proverbial twin who sacrificed his own life so that Jim could come back.  
  
“I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” Jim admits turning his head and looking away. 

Leonard watches for any signs of distress, not knowing how much time has passed before Jim’s breathing evens out and he’s asleep. He reaches out across the gap between them and touches the back of Jim’s head, fingering the thick strands of hair. Leonard realizes as he watches Jim sleep that the topic of the other Bones may be one that the younger man will never be able to talk about.  
  
It’s not that he lost a loved one.  Leonard knows that in his grief stricken delirium, Jim thought he was losing everything in both realities and that there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

His fingers drift to the base of Jim’s neck, massaging and caressing his skin. Unconsciously Jim pushes back into the gentle touch and mutters contently in his sleep. Leonard waits a while longer before retracting his hand and turning onto his back.

He stares at the ceiling of Jim’s bedroom until he doesn’t remember falling asleep.

 

* * *

  
It’s been a little over a week since Jim came out of his stupor and Leonard spends his morning hunched over Jim’s desk with a stack of PADDs, going over requisition orders and medical charts.  

The other occupant of the room has dozed off on the couch with a book settled on his chest. Jim had made a valiant effort to fight off fatigue, grumbling as Leonard told him that sleep was good until his eyelids fluttered shut and he started snoring softly. That was almost two hours ago and it has afforded Leonard time to get some work done in peace.  
  
As he’s updating a chart, Leonard hears the door to the joint head open.

He looks up to see Spock standing in the doorway, his dark eyes resting on Jim’s reclined form before turning to the doctor. 

“Pardon me for my intrusion,” he says, keeping his voice low. “I wanted to speak to you regarding my conversation with Admiral Archer.”  
  
Leonard feels his stomach tighten as he motions for Spock to follow him into Jim’s bedroom. “Is he removing Jim from command?” he asks as soon as they are in the room.  
  
“I can confirm that is not his intention,” Spock replies, looking at Leonard with a curious expression. “Why would you come to that conclusion, doctor?”  
  
Leonard arches a brow. “Nothing would surprise me at this point – _especially_ when it comes to offline conversations,” he grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
“Admiral Archer does not want to remove Jim from his command,” Spock says. “However…”  
  
Leonard rolls his eyes. “Great,” he hisses.  
  
“However,” Spock continues, pointedly ignoring the doctor, “we have been asked to do an exploratory mission near the Beta quadrant in four days’ time. Admiral Archer has offered to make the arrangements for you and the captain to go on a retroactive shore leave on Centaurus IV, as we will be passing by the planet with the course that Mr. Sulu has set.”  
  
This is not what Leonard was expecting. “Shore leave?” he echoes.  
  
“The Admiral suggested that a change of scenery and what he refers to as fresh air may be beneficial for Jim’s recovery,” Spock replies. He furrows his brow. “I explained to the Admiral that the air circulation on the Enterprise is comprised fresh…”  
  
Leonard chuckles. “It’s a figure of speech, Spock,” he says.  
  
“Oh,” Spock comments, arching a brow. “It is a very strange Terran saying. I told him that I would speak to you to confer if you agree with his assessment, as you are the CMO and the one who has been treating Jim.”  
  
Leonard pinches his lips together and cranes his head around the doorway, glancing at the shock of hair poking over the arm of the couch and the hand dangling off the side. 

A change of scenery could be a good thing and would give Jim the opportunity to recover, and perhaps, grieve without an entire ship watching. 

“How long would we be staying there?” Leonard asks, his eyes still on Jim.  
  
“Three weeks,” Spock replies. “Our mission is approximately thirteen point seven days in length, plus an additional week of shore leave for the entire crew.”  
  
Leonard mulls it over quietly. Three weeks of no responsibilities and real sunlight. “Let me talk it over with him,” he replies.  
  
Spock inclines his head. “Very well.”  
  
Once the commander has left, Leonard goes to wake Jim with a gentle shake on his shoulder and equally gentle words that coax him out of his nap. Jim is bleary eyed and rubbing the sleep from his eyes as Leonard programs the replicator for their afternoon meal in silence. 

“Spock came by,” Leonard says over his shoulder. He turns to see Jim staring at him, his head tilted at an angle and his lips set in a grim line. “He’s been speaking to Archer.”  
  
“About?”  
  
“The _Enterprise_ has been assigned an exploratory mission in Beta quadrant and Archer suggested that perhaps you would want to go on a retroactive shore leave on Centaurus,” Leonard replies, keeping his voice even as he gauges Jim’s reaction. 

This can go either way and while Jim has been fairly docile, he has his moments when he’s moody and snaps at the slightest thing. When the kid stays quiet, Leonard decides to press on, hoping that this won’t end up with Jim getting upset. 

“As your doctor, I would be accompanying you since you are still recovering and need supervision,” Leonard adds as he brings their plates over and sets them down. “It would be three weeks of quiet and real sunshine.” 

Jim raises a questioning brow. 

“You’ll have your privacy,” he amends as he pushes Jim’s plate of food over to him. “We can sit and do nothing the entire time…whatever you want.”  
  
Jim is mulling it over as he pokes at his food with a fork before he starts eating.

Leonard joins him, staying quiet and keeping his opinion to himself. 

“I heard Farain is nice this time of year,” Jim finally says with a pale version of that playful grin.  
  
Leonard smiles back. “I heard something like that, too, kid,” he replies. “Now eat your vegetables.”

 

* * *

  
An hour before the _Enterprise_ docks at the space station above Centaurus IV, Jim has a private conversation with Admiral Archer behind the closed door of his bedroom.  

Leonard is too preoccupied with making sure they have both packed everything they’ll need for the next three weeks to concern himself about what transpires during their conversation. 

Three weeks of fresh air, sand, and actual sunlight – it’s a dream come true after several hellish weeks. He knows that this will be good for Jim; to get away, to relax and do it all in private. 

It will be good for the both of them in reality. The island of Farain will allow them both to do all those things. The climate will be comfortable – like spring in Georgia – and since it’s the off season, the resort they are staying in will be virtually empty. 

It will just be them in a bungalow that overlooks the ocean.  
  
Leonard finishes counting the hypos in his medical bag that contains Jim’s medication and zips it up as the door to the bedroom slides open.

“It’s just your medication,” he says as he puts the bag into his luggage, “and yes, you do need to take them.” 

He glances up and sees Jim standing in the doorway, wearing his civvies. The t-shirt and jeans are little loose on him, despite gaining back a little over three kilos.

While it’s not as much as Leonard had hoped for, it’s progress and at least the younger man is looking less ill as each day passes. Perhaps real food versus the replicated crap on board the ship will do Jim some good. 

Leonard catches the lopsided grin on Jim’s lips. “How is the Admiral?” he asks.  
  
“I don’t know how someone could be so relieved _and_ cantankerous,” Jim replies.  
  
Leonard snorts back a laugh. “Can you blame him?”  
  
“No,” Jim tells him as he sits down on the couch, watching the doctor as he grabs his sweater. “I guess not.”  
  
As he pulls his sweater over his head, Leonard catches Jim staring at him. “You alright there, kid?”  
  
“I haven’t seen you in civvies in a while,” Jim says in a faraway voice. He flashes Leonard a grin. “For a while I wondered if I would ever see it again.”  
  
Leonard raises a brow and goes to sit down next to him. “I know it seems like you’ve just gotten home only to have to leave again, kid,” he sighs, reaching to clasp Jim’s shoulder. “If you don’t want to do this…”  
  
“Bones,” Jim whines as he rolls his eyes, “it’s fine.”  
  
Leonard sees a faint look of determination in Jim’s eyes and decides to let it drop.

He pats the younger man on the shoulder before getting off the couch and putting around Jim’s quarters until it’s time for them to leave. 

The hallways are mercifully empty as Spock escorts them to the Space Station’s main shuttle hub. There is no small talk or uncomfortable pauses, just silence as the three men make their way to the shuttle departing for Farain. 

“Captain, I trust that you and Doctor McCoy will have a restful shore leave,” Spock says as Jim and Leonard’s luggage is being loaded onto the shuttle.  
  
Leonard watches as Jim nods, avoiding the commander’s gaze, who in turn looks at the doctor with a raised brow.

“Very well,” Spock says before turning to Leonard to nod his head in acknowledgement. “Doctor, do not hesitate to contact me while you are planet side.”  
  
Leonard quirks one corner of his mouth. “Thank you, commander,” he replies. “Be safe in the Beta Quadrant.”  
  
“I shall,” Spock states. “Captain, Doctor… safe travels.”  
  
The shuttle ride from the space station down to Farain is uneventful at best.

Leonard and Jim catch a shuttle to the resort they are going to call home for the next three weeks. The resort is charmingly rustic, reminding Leonard of his summers at the Outer Banks in North Carolina.

The beaches are white pure and pristine and the water that surrounds the island is a deep shade of azure. As Leonard is checking them in, he watches Jim out of peripherals as he goes to the lobby’s porch and takes in the unfamiliar atmosphere.

“Do you want to change and go down to the beach after we’re all checked in?” Leonard calls as he signs his name on the PADD in front of him.

He turns his head to see Jim nodding with the barest smile on his face.  
  
It’s late morning when they are escorted to their one story bungalow that overlooks the water.

The bellhop sets their luggage down, dividing it between the two bedrooms as Leonard pokes around. The bungalow has all of the necessities, including a real kitchen that Leonard cannot wait to cook in, a queen sized bed in each bedroom, a spacious and airy main room that boasts a fireplace, and a bathroom with a tub and shower that runs real water. 

“Remind me to send Admiral Archer a thank you note,” he jokes as he comes out of the bathroom to find Jim curled up on the couch in the living room.  
  
Leonard walks over to him, noting that the kid had the sense to remove his boots and socks before making himself comfortable.

“Dammit Jim,” he whispers affectionately, reaching down to card his fingers through the sleeping man’s hair. 

A sigh passes through Jim’s parted lips and he adjusts himself against the cushions, looking more relaxed than he's been in recent weeks. 

“Okay kid,” Leonard sighs. “I’ll wake you for lunch.”

 

* * *

 

The first few days on Farain are spent lazing around the bungalow. They fall into a new routine of sloth and relaxation.  

By the morning of the fourth day, Leonard notices that the uneasiness that Jim was wearing like a second skin is starting to melt away. That smile is returning and it makes the corners of Jim’s eyes crinkle. 

He’s starting to laugh again - not the tired chuckle from before, but really laughing and joking, too. 

They still sleep in the same bed. Despite the small victories, the haunted look that crawls across Jim’s features at night still remains.  
  
He comes to the living room, having luxuriated in the shower for longer than necessary, to find Jim outside on the porch, leaning against the rail. 

Leonard takes in the sight of his friend, bare foot and soaked in natural sunlight that seems to make his eyes even more blue when Jim turns to look at Leonard. 

Jim smiles as Leonard joins him. “Want to race to the beach?” he asks.  
  
“All right,” Leonard replies.  
  
They don’t exactly race down to the beach since there is no rush for once. Leonard watches as Jim rolls up the legs of his jeans and goes to where the sand and water meet. 

As the water laps at Jim’s bare feet, it seems that the uneasiness and - dare Leonard even think it - shyness is being washed away. The captain turns his head and flashes the doctor a familiar smile that reaches his eyes. 

“I know you like your stars and the black,” Leonard comments as he joins Jim at the ocean’s edge, letting the warm water run over his feet, “but this is better than the Beta Quadrant.”  
  
This earns a chuckle from Jim who is busy running his big toe in the water.

Leonard raises a brow and nudges the younger man with his shoulder. He expects Jim to shrug, perhaps wrinkle his nose in disagreement which will be followed up with a groan and an eye roll. 

Instead, Jim tackles him.

Leonard lets out a cry of surprise and a string of curse words as they both fall into the water. 

Leonard sputters as he untangles himself from Jim, who is howling with laughter as he gets on his hands and knees.

“Dammit Jim!” Leonard snaps as he slips on the wet sand and topples back into the water.  
  
When he looks up, Jim is still laughing and now has tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. Leonard grunts and splashes a wave of ocean water at the younger man, which hits him in the face. 

“Hey!” Jim shouts before firing back with his feet, kicking ridiculous amounts of water at Leonard.  
  
Leonard holds up a hand, trying to block the onslaught, and yells, “Watch those feet, you infant!” He hits the water with his free hand, sending another arch of water that goes barreling towards Jim.  
  
“Son of a…” Jim cries, shooting Leonard a glare.  
  
Leonard wipes the water and his hair from his face. “I’ll have you know that my momma is a woman of impeccable breeding,” he chortles as he rises to his feet, pulling at the soaking wet clothing that sticks to his skin. 

He hears Jim grumbling incoherently, which only makes Leonard laugh harder as he starts to wade through the water. Leonard is literally inches away from the shoreline when Jim launches himself with a growl at the doctor and knocks them back into the water.

As Jim attempts to scramble away, laughing like a maniac, Leonard grabs him around his middle, pulling the younger man back into the water. 

Leonard has Jim pinned under him, their bodies pressed into each other. He’s suddenly aware of each ridge and muscle molded together, the warmth of their skin, and Jim staring up at him with those blue eyes.  
  
“Bones?” Jim whispers, licking his lips nervously. 

Jim’s cheeks are flushed an enticing pink and Leonard decides right then that it looks good on him. He closes the distance between them and brushes his lips against Jim’s in a tentative kiss. 

The younger man’s breath hitches in surprise before Jim’s body relaxes and his lips, dry and tasting of salt and brine, kiss back. 

It’s sweet and slow and chaste, yet it still manages to send a jolt through Leonard’s body as their lips brush against each other. 

As Jim’s tongue flicks against Leonard’s lower lip, a wave slaps them both in the face because the universe is one massive cock block.

“That’s a mood killer,” Leonard coughs, trying to get the burn of salt water out of his nostrils. He turns to Jim who is spitting out water. “You okay, kid?”  
  
Jim grins back at him with kiss swollen lips and pushes himself to his feet. “Never better,” he replies as he extends his hand to Leonard and helps the doctor up. “You?”  
  
Instead of answering, Leonard kisses him again, taking his sweet time in opening up Jim’s mouth with lips and tongue. 

The vibration of the younger man’s moans pulses into his chest and straight to his groin, making Leonard groan in reply.

Pressing his hands against Jim’s back, Leonard pulls him closer just as their tongue touch, slick and hot. Jim is fisting the soggy fabric of his shirt as the kiss grows more passionate, bordering on inappropriate as Leonard cups the back of the younger man’s head.  
  
“Bones,” Jim murmurs against his lips. “Bones.”  
  
Leonard pulls back slightly, staring Jim down and taking in each and every freckle and scar on his face. “Yeah?”  
  
“What took you so long to do that?” Jim asks without a hint of smugness, just raw amazement.  
  
Leonard brushes the hair off of Jim’s forehead and shrugs. “I don’t know,” he admits as he presses his lips against the younger man’s pulse. “Jim, I love you.”  
  
“I…I love you, too,” Jim whispers, nuzzling his nose against Leonard’s cheek.  
  
Now normally Leonard is a patient man, despite his surly demeanor, but as he drags Jim back to the bungalow – he realizes that patience can wait when it comes to getting them both naked.

He’s pretty sure that there is a trail of wet clothing that goes from the porch to the bedroom, not that it matters as Jim’s lips and tongue clash against his own. 

Once he has Jim on the bed, that’s when Leonard’s senses kick back in and he slows them down, wanting to savor this moment and the feel of Jim’s naked body against his. 

He realizes that patience is key as he slowly opens Jim up, using one lube slick finger at a time. He scissors, he stretches, and moves at a precise angle, igniting a series of breathy pleas from Jim’s pink and oh so sinfully kiss swollen lips.  
  
It is a marvel, watching Jim writhe below him, his blunt fingernails digging into the doctor’s arm as Leonard adds a second finger into his tight passage.

“Bones,” he nearly sobs, his back arching off the mattress. 

When Jim looks up at him with glistening eyes, the pupils blown wide with arousal, Leonard nearly loses all composure and takes him right there.  
  
Instead, he shakes his head as he leans over Jim, their lips just millimeters apart.

“Not yet,” he whispers against Jim’s mouth. “Not yet, Jim.”  
  
“Please…” Jim pleads, his lips brushing against Leonard’s. “Please… Bones.”  
  
Leonard hushes him as he nips at Jim’s lower lip, slipping in a third finger. His fingers brush against Jim’s prostate, rubbing and teasing, feeling the captain shudder under him.

“I’ve got you, darlin',” he promises over Jim’s anticipatory panting. Leonard takes the opportunity to take Jim in one slick hand, feeling the heavy weight of the younger man’s leaking cock against his palm. “I always got you.”  
  
“God Bones,” Jim moans, his breath hot against Leonard’s skin. 

It doesn’t take long for Jim to shatter underneath him, just three quick strokes of his doctor’s hands.

Jim comes undone, his broken voice filling Leonard’s ears, alternating between wordless cries and telling the doctor how much he wants him, loves him, needs him.  
  
Of course, Leonard pulls back to see Jim’s face, drinking in the flush of his cheeks, his tightly closed eyes, and the blissed out expression on his face as the captain’s orgasm reaches its peak and he comes tumbling down into Leonard’s awaiting arms. 

When Leonard pushes into Jim’s hot, slick passage, he thinks that nothing could be this good, this right, this perfect.

He takes his time and watches as Jim adjusts to the stretch and the burn, awestruck by how much more beautiful the sight is in person rather than in his fantasies.  
  
He’s fully sheathed inside Jim, bottoming out and sharing a groan with the younger man beneath him.

When Leonard opens his eyes and swallows, he catches a glimpse of a smile on Jim’s lips. 

It’s the smile the kid has when he’s relieved or ridiculously overjoyed. It’s a rarity and Leonard has only seen it twice in his friendship with Jim: the first time when he appeared on the transporter pad with Pike leaning heavily on him for support and the second when they came out of the mind meld only several weeks ago.  
  
It still burns as brightly as a supernova.  
  
He feels Jim’s hand cupping the back of his head - the warm of his palm and the brush of his fingers against his hair - and hears Jim whisper, “C’mere” before pulling Leonard into a kiss. 

That’s Leonard’s cue to move. He does so at a careful pace, mindful of Jim’s still healing body, and savors the sensations that being with the younger man makes him feel.

Leonard brushes a hand against Jim’s forehead, touching his sweat slick skin and hair, as his lips and tongue dance against Jim’s.

Leonard runs his hand down, his fingers brushing against Jim’s jaw, his throat and neck, tracing the line of his collarbone with his thumb, along the underside of his rib cage, and to the crest of Jim’s hip. 

“God Bones,” Jim breathes against Leonard’s lips as the good doctor hooks the kid’s leg over his hip, changing the angle of his thrusts.

Jim bows and arches as Leonard hits his prostate, tightening his grip against the doctor’s head as his other hand fists the sheets. “Oh God…”  
  
It takes infinite patience and skill, but Leonard brings Jim back to life as their bodies move against the mattress, the younger man’s erection throbbing. 

“Please,” Jim begs against his cheek, his breath hot on his skin.  
  
Leonard lifts his head, hazel eyes looking into cerulean blue. “Please what?” he replies, his voice hitching as Jim’s channel tightens around him.

He looks so beautiful, laying in complete surrender under Leonard’s body that the doctor can hardly stand it.

So beautiful and wounded, so perfect and solid beneath him, like Jim was always meant to be there.

“Please what, Jim?”  
  
“I won’t break,” Jim groans, his eyes fluttering as he presses his head into the pillow, exposing the clean line of his neck. “I swear I won’t break…” 

It’s the type of promise that is fluid in meaning and it’s all the permission Leonard needs to go harder and faster. He grips the firm muscle of Jim’s ass, digging his fingernails into the smooth skin.

Jim shivers and cries out in approval as he meets Leonard’s thrusts.  
  
The tension is building in his body as his skin becomes sweat slick and hot. Leonard captures Jim’s mouth with his own, tasting the saltiness that gathers in the younger man’s cupid’s bow.

It’s a battle of tongues, teeth, and lips punctuated with moans. Leonard lets go of Jim’s leg, snaking his arm between them and gathering Jim’s length in his hand.

As his thumb draws over the underside of Jim’s leaking head, Leonard hears the younger man practically sob.  
  
“Bones,” Jim breathes, breaking the kiss and panting. “Bones, I can’t…”  
  
Leonard growls in approval as he smears precum over the sensitive skin of Jim’s cockhead, hearing the captain choke back a groan.

“You can,” he whispers into the hollow of Jim’s neck and strokes Jim’s length, earning a whine from the captain. “You can. Let me hear you, Jim.”  
  
He aims for Jim’s prostate with a surgeon’s precision as his hand strokes Jim to completion for the second time.

Leonard watches as Jim’s mouth goes slack, making sounds that should be illegal through those full, pink lips. “Darlin’, cum for me,” Leonard urges, his voice honey thick and bourbon soaked. 

Leonard watches as his lover's eyes fly open, pupils blown wide and hardly any iris showing, as he pulls Jim’s orgasm out of him.

Their eyes meet just for a moment as Jim’s body goes rigid, his face registering shock and awe.

“Oh God. Fuck…Bones,” Jim pants just before he falls to pieces in Leonard’s arms. 

He holds Jim through it, his hips pistoning against his body, milking the younger man’s climax for all it’s worth and listening to his shredded cries of pleasure. It seems endless - just the sound of Jim’s voice, Leonard’s heavy breathing, skin against skin, deep and dark places coming to life. 

As Jim collapses against the mattress, spent and exhausted, Leonard’s orgasm rips through him, catching him unaware.

He roars into his lover’s neck, hips pistoning in time with his release as it fills Jim’s passage with his semen.

His mind goes blissfully blank as Leonard stills his movements and collapses against Jim’s still heaving chest. 

They lay there, boneless, and breathing in each other’s post-orgasmic haze.

Jim’s fingers are in his damp hair, massaging his scalp in small circles.

Leonard is content to just stay there, watching Jim’s nipple pebbling from his hot breath blowing against the pink nub. 

“Bones,” Jim says in a small voice from somewhere above him as he wraps an arm around Leonard’s waist. 

The doctor grunts in reply, too hazy to come up with intelligible words. 

“Is it always going to be like this?” Jim asks, his voice sounding far away.  
  
He raises himself to his elbows, ignoring the stickiness of Jim’s release against his stomach, and looks at the younger man with a curious expression.

“Is what going to be like this?” Leonard questions him in a soft tone, watching as Jim’s eyelids droop.  
  
“Is it always going to be like this with us?” Jim clarifies with a lazy grin.  
  
Leonard studies him and nods slowly. “Yeah kid,” he chuckles. “It will always be like this.”  
  
“Good,” Jim tells him as his eyes slip shut, the lazy grin softening. “I hoped it would be.”  
  
Leonard snorts, muttering something about how this is typical Jim Kirk behavior as he untangles their limbs and withdraws from the younger man’s slick hole. 

He does what’s he’s always done, since the first day they met, and takes care of Jim: cleaning him up, wiping him down, and making sure that he’s comfortable as Leonard spoons him from behind. Jim sighs as he presses himself against the doctor’s chest.

“I missed you,” Jim whispers, his lips moving against Leonard’s arm that pillows his head.  
  
Leonard presses his lips against Jim’s hair. “Missed you too, kid,” he murmurs. “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”  
  
Jim hums in agreement. “Don’t plan on it,” he says drowsily. “Just don’t leave me, okay?”  
  
“The thought never crossed my mind,” Leonard tells him.  
  
“I couldn’t handle it if I lost both of you,” he whispers, his voice teetering on the edge of tears.  
  
Leonard frowns and raises his head, looking down at Jim, whose eyes are watering. “You’re not going to lose me, kid,” he says carefully, feeling the pit of his stomach tightening with worry.  
  
Jim swallows, roughly as tears disappear into his hair line. “I can’t do it again,” he chokes out through trembling lips. “I can’t…I lose you, too. I can’t…”  
  
“Shh,” Leonard murmurs as he pulls Jim to him, cradling the younger man in his arms. “It’s going to be okay, Jim. I’m not going to leave you, okay? I’m staying right here.”  
  
Jim shudders against him, burying his head into Leonard’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “Bones, I’m sorry…”  
  
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Leonard tells him, holding him tighter. “We’re fine. Everything is fine. If you want to talk about it later, we can, but we don’t have to. It’s up to you, kid.”  
  
“I’m a fucking train wreck,” Jim whines as he bats away newly fallen tears and pulls away from Leonard, just enough for the doctor to see his face.

Jim presses his palm to his forehead as his skin flushes.  
  
Leonard kisses the younger man’s temple. “Well that hasn’t changed since we’ve met,” he quips, earning a groan from the captain.  
  
“Fuck you, man,” Jim grumbles with a grin. “This isn’t even official and you’re already the worst boyfriend in the known universe.”  
  
Leonard snorts. “I gave you _two_ orgasms, you ungrateful brat!”  
  
“I’ll make sure to put that in your personnel file,” Jim says with a devious grin on his face. “Do you think Starfleet will give you a medal?” 

Instead of responding with a sharp retort, Leonard smacks Jim in the face with one of the pillows. 

The results are far more satisfying.


	11. Chapter 11

The grey light of morning streaming in and the top of Jim's head are the first things Leonard sees when he opens his eyes. 

Not that he minds, of course. He lies under the bed linens and listens to the sound of Jim's even breathing that brushes against Leonard's bare chest at each exhale. 

They had barely left the bed the day before – only for bathroom breaks and to grab sustenance – and opted to make love well into the night. 

The pleasure between them was constant, leaving both men breathless and basking in the afterglow when it was all said and done. 

Leonard had seen Jim naked plenty of times; either from being on his operating table or when the kid lacked common decency and would prance around stark-naked in closed quarters.

To have him under his hands, mouth, and body was entirely different and better than Leonard could ever imagine. 

They explored every ridge and curve of muscle, tasted each other's skin with their tongues, and kissed each other a thousand times over until both their lips were raw and swollen.

When it was all over, Leonard was pretty sure that he fell asleep with a smile on his face as he held Jim in his arms.

Leonard adjusts his body, gently coaxing Jim's head to a more comfortable position for the doctor and grins when he hears Jim grunting in his sleep. His hand gently caresses the back of the younger man's neck, feeling the smooth skin and small hairs under his fingertips, before moving down the expanse of Jim's back. 

The uneven scars are like Braille under Leonard's hand, telling a story of torture, bloodshed, and redemption as he traces each ridge.

He had kissed each mark, anointing them with his lips and tongue as Jim lay under him. He wanted the younger man to know that despite what had happened to him that Leonard thought he was still beautiful, still perfect.

Each press of his lips was a way of silently undoing all the damage, hurt, and anger. When Leonard caught the look of uncertainty in Jim's eyes, he sealed his promise with a kiss before they made love for the third time that day.

The doctor grins at the memory as his fingertip trails over the most vivid one located on Jim's side. 

It's the one that the other Leonard had stitched by hand, a neat line of black thread those scars crisscross over the mark.

Leonard thumbs the puckered skin, tracing the jagged scar from end to tip and back again. The gentle movement makes Jim stir against Leonard's chest, his stubble covered cheek brushing against his skin. 

The doctor listens as Jim snuffs and sighs his way back to wakefulness. He tilts his head, watching as the younger man's lashes flutter. Leonard brings his hand up and brushes Jim's hair off his forehead.

"You awake?" he asks in a low voice.

He chuckles when Jim shakes his head and pulls himself closer to the doctor, so much so that he's practically on top of him. 

"Comfortable?" Leonard grunts as he wiggles out from under the bulk of Jim's body. "Never pegged you as the cuddling type."

"Not cuddling," Jim insists drowsily.

Leonard raises a brow, trying to hold back the full body laughter that is about to go rampant. "Oh, so what is this then?"

"Sleeping," the younger man mumbles as the arm draped around Leonard's middle tightens its grip.

"You're wrapped around me like a spider monkey, kid," he comments with a laugh that comes from the depths of his chest.

Jim shakes his head and throws his leg over Leonard's thighs. "You're more comfortable than the pillows," he yawns.

Leonard rolls his eyes. "Thank goodness for small favors," he snorts as he slides a leg out of from under Jim's and snakes it over the younger man's. "I'm going to give you a few more minutes of this before I have to go to the bathroom."

Jim mumbles something that sounds like an agreement. They lay there with Jim dozing against Leonard's body and the doctor rubbing his fingers against the younger man's biceps. 

He had pictured this exact scene in his head so many times, wondering if it would ever become a reality.

Now that it has, Leonard has no true intentions to rush getting up and pulls Jim to him, grinning as the captain buries his face into the doctor's neck. 

"You smell good," Jim murmurs.

Leonard presses his lips to Jim's forehead. "I smell like sex," he replies, nuzzling the tip of his nose against the light hair in front of him.

"Like I said," Jim mumbles, "you smell good."

Leonard chuckles. "Whatever you say, darlin'."

Eventually, Leonard eases himself out of Jim's grasp, trying not to rouse him from his doze. Jim lets out a whine of discontent as Leonard slides out of bed. He shoots the older man a sleepy blue-eyed glare. 

"I'll be right back, you big baby," Leonard sighs as he goes to the bathroom just as rain starts pelting the windows. 

He's washing his hands when Jim appears in the doorway, scratching his head with a bleary expression on his face. "Couldn't sleep without me?" Leonard teases as he wipes his hands on a towel. 

He feels the press of Jim's lips against his shoulder and sighs as Jim's erection brushes against his backside. Gripping the counter, Leonard starts to pant as Jim kisses and nips at his skin.

Jim's hands are on his hips, kneading and caressing the ridges. He can feel himself hardening under Jim's ministrations and groans when Jim's lips find that spot on his neck that makes him weak in the knees.

"It's raining," Jim says hotly into his skin, his breath moist.

Leonard groans as nimble fingers brush against his pubic hair, teasing and taunting. "So?" he groans, pushing back into the younger man.

"So," Jim practically growls as he turns Leonard's face towards his own and kisses him hard on the lips. 

The angle isn't perfect and their noses press awkwardly against each other, but it suits Leonard just fine. He lets out a moan when Jim pulls away. 

"So," he says hoarsely through puffy lips, "we should spend it in bed."

Leonard doesn't answer in kind, though he's pretty sure that Jim gets that the doctor is in full agreement as he manhandles the captain back to bed. 

So what if they bump into furniture and walls? Jim takes control and pushes Leonard back onto the bed so that he's spread out over the mattress and tangled between the sheets. 

"Don't overexert yourself, kid," Leonard mumbles against Jim's lips before the younger man peppers his jawline and neck with lingering kisses.

He groans as those lips keep traveling, going lower and lower on his body, mouthing the skin with hot breath and moist tongue. "Jim…"

Jim chuckles against Leonard's belly, flicking his tongue against the doctor's navel and teasing the trail of dark hair that leads to other places. 

When the sharp end of teeth nip at the crest of his hip, Leonard arches his back and lets out a moan as he cards his fingers through Jim's hair. Jim's hands are on his hips, pushing him back into the mattress with another chuckle that is muffled by the juncture where

Leonard's thigh and groin meet. He is busy sucking a bruise into the sensitive skin, taking his sweet ass time as he does so.

"I'm not getting any younger, Jim," Leonard grumbles, trying not to buck his hips as Jim does the same to his other thigh. 

He watches as a full brow arches and the familiar glint of mischief in his lover's eyes.

Leonard is about to say something else when hot, wet heat engulfs the head of his hard cock and he lets out a curse.

Jim's mouth is something else as it expertly teases the gland with the right suction and twirl of his tongue. He growls when the younger man's tongue presses against the underside of his head, the spongy tissue flat and precise as it travels over a protruding vein that leaves the doctor quivering with need. 

Leonard closes his eyes, savoring the feel of Jim's mouth swallowing him just a bit deeper each time he bobs up and down his shaft.

He tugs on the blond hair that is trapped in his fist and utters, "Dammit Jim."

The vibration of Jim's laughter leaves behind a pleasant surge of desire that surrounds Leonard's cock as he continues his ministrations. 

A hand leaves his hip and walks its way down to the base of his shaft, the light pressure only adding to Leonard's impending orgasm. He jerks at the hand wrapping itself around his shaft and stroking in time with Jim's mouth.

When both of them meet somewhere in the middle, Leonard opens his eyes and watches Jim's head moving up and down over the ridge of his hips.

He's been on the receiving end of his fair share of blowjobs and enjoys watching other partner's efforts.

However, nothing compares to seeing Jim, usually so cocky and mouthy, nestled between his legs with those pink lips wrapped around his cock. 

Sure he's had his fair share of fantasies about it, but seeing it in the flesh…

It's such a magnificent sight that it brings Leonard to the cusp faster than he planned. 

"Jim," Leonard breathes, his body trembling. "Fuck…"

The younger man moves his mouth and hand over Leonard's spit slick cock as his other hand presses down on a hip, keeping the doctor glued to the mattress. 

Leonard groans, snaking a leg around Jim's back, and fists the sheets.

"Jim," he moans as his orgasm curls and uncurls in his gut, pooling warmth throughout his body. "Jesus…" 

His sentence is cut off by the clever flick of Jim's tongue against his sensitive cockhead, leaving him moaning Jim's name over and over again until he can't speak. 

With a well-timed stroke of Jim's hand and a swipe of his tongue, Leonard finds himself arching off the bed - as much as he can - and climaxing hard into Jim's mouth.

He pants as muscles, lips, and tongue work him through his orgasm, swallowing semen and keeping up the pace that is deadly to Leonard's senses until the younger man has drained him.

Breathing hard, Leonard lies boneless on the bed and staring at the ceiling as Jim's mouth leaves his softening cock and mouths its way back up his body.

"I knew there were other uses for that smart mouth of yours," he quips, jerking as Jim kisses a spot under his ribs.

"We should keep that between us," Jim chuckles as he rests his chin on Leonard's chest. "I have a reputation to protect."

Leonard rolls his eyes. "I'm glad that you're deluded self-confidence is returning," he gripes as he cards his fingers through Jim's hair before trailing them down his back.

"They were right about you," Jim murmurs against his skin with a content sigh.

Leonard raises a brow. "Do I want to know?" he asks.

"You do have the steadiest hands on the ship," Jim replies as he looks up with an impish grin.

"God help me," Leonard groans, swatting Jim's bare ass cheek with his hand, igniting a yelp from the younger man that he ignores as he flips Jim on his back and straddles his hips. "You are something else, kid."

Jim shrugs as he makes himself comfortable under Leonard's weight. "I've been called worse," he replies.

"Don't doubt that," Leonard tells him as he leans down to kiss his lover's jaw, then the spot behind Jim's ear that the doctor found the night before.

He nibbles at the sensitive skin, delighting in Jim's groan.

"Darlin', I hope you don't plan on walking anytime soon," he says as he starts kissing down the captain's body.

Jim arches against him, his cock hardening. "No," he moans as Leonard tongues the scar on his side.

"Good," Leonard replies huskily, his fingers idly stroking Jim's balls. "Because I'm going to show you something about steady hands."

 

* * *

 

The rain lets up a day later, leaving the sky clear and the water bluer if that was even possible, and Jim itching to explore. 

Truth be told, he's bouncing off the walls of the bungalow and it's giving Leonard a cramp in his neck as he watches him. Then again, it's nice to see the captain reverting back to himself. 

Even if he throws a t-shirt that catches Leonard in the face as he sits in the breakfast nook, trying to eat. Without missing a beat, Leonard peels off the shirt and drops it in the chair next to him before going back to his cereal.

"Bones," Jim chirps from the doorway. "Bones!"

Leonard rolls his eyes and feels his lips twitching. "I'm eating, kid."

"Hurry up so we can go hiking," Jim tells him before disappearing into the bedroom.

He can hear the younger man rummaging around and wondering aloud about where certain items are. Leonard snorts as he flips through his PADD, reading messages from family, friends, and one from Spock that is inquiring about Jim's progress. 

He is replying back when Jim comes bounding back into the kitchen at the speed of light, pulling a t-shirt over his head.

"Bones!" he exclaims as the shirt settles over his body. "We're losing daylight."

Leonard arches a brow. "It's ten in the morning, Jim," he says as he types. "I'm sure another fifteen minutes won't kill you."

"But Bones," Jim whines.

Leonard shakes his head. "Still eating," he replies as he reads over his message, "and replying to a comm from Spock." He glances up to see the uncomfortable expression on Jim's face that darkens his features in the late morning light. "What?"

Jim shrugs indifferently before pushing himself off the counter and disappearing into the other room without a word. 

Leonard waits for a moment before Jim comes back in, fidgeting nervously as he approaches the nook. The doctor sets down his PADD and leans back in his seat with his arms crossed over his bare chest.

"Yes?" he says, brows quirked.

"What did he want?" Jim asks, bouncing on his heels. He flashes a tight smile, trying to hide the fact that he's anxious.

Leonard wordlessly slides the PADD across the table and watches Jim as he tilts his head, trying to read the screen. "You can take it, you know," Leonard comments before going back to his cereal. 

Jim does take it and silently reads through the correspondence as Leonard eats. As Leonard spoons his meal into his mouth, he watches the unease that tightens Jim's features lessen. 

"See," Leonard says as he rises from his chair, bowl and spoon in hand, "nothing bad." He walks over to the sink to rise the items in his hands.

"Yeah," Jim replies quietly. Leonard hears the sound of his PADD being set down on the table. "Nothing bad."

Leonard looks at Jim in concern. "Do we need to talk about this?" he asks bluntly. Jim makes an unintelligible noise and shakes his head, avoiding having to look Leonard in the eye.

The doctor watches as Jim latches onto the edge of the table with his hands. "Jim," Leonard sighs.

"I'm fine," Jim says quickly – too quickly. He looks at Leonard and grins. "I'm going to go read."

As Jim passes him, Leonard grabs him by the bicep and brings Jim's departure to a halt. "You know better than to try to lie with me, kid," he tells the younger man, turning them so that Jim is pressed up against the counter. "Now… tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing," the younger man mumbles, refusing to look Leonard in the eye.

Leonard snorts. "I call bullshit," he says, worrying his thumb over Jim's arm, tracing the freckles that dot his skin. "You are nervous around certain people."

"No, I'm not," Jim argues, bitterly.

Leonard shakes his head. "You are," he counters as gently as possible.

Jim opens his mouth to protest, then nods his head and quickly looks down at their feet. "I keep seeing _them_ ," he whispers.

Leonard sighs heavily, his suspicions confirmed. "I know you do," he sympathizes, leaning in to press a gentle kiss against Jim's lips.

When he pulls back, he brushes his lips against the tip of Jim's nose. "Tell me what you see."

Jim rests his chin against the curve of Leonard's shoulder and shrugs. "Them," he says. "I know that I'm home and that they're…gone."

"What they did to you," Leonard tells him as he wraps his arms around Jim's waist, "was cruel. No one expects you to forget about it. You know that, right?"

Jim nods. "I know," he replies, "but seeing the confusion on their faces when they would come to visit me and how they knew that I didn't want them anywhere near me…"

"They know that what you went through was traumatic," Leonard reasons.

Jim pulls back and looks Leonard in the eye, his blue eyes bright. "But they didn't know that they caused it," he sighs. "Well…not them…but…"

"I know," Leonard tells him. He cups Jim's cheek, brushing his thumb against his skin. "Perhaps telling them…"

Jim shakes his head. "No," he retorts. "No. It's bad enough you and Spock know. I can't do that to Hikaru and Nyota."

"And treating them indifferently is going to make them feel better?"

"It's better than them knowing."

Leonard raises a brow. "Believe it or not, they can handle the truth." He looks on as Jim shakes his head again, his lips trembling and tears pooling in his eyes. "Jim…" he murmurs as he pulls the younger man into his arms and holds him. "It's going to be fine."

"How do you know?" Jim asks into his bare shoulder.

Leonard caresses the back of Jim's head with his fingers and shrugs. "Because I'm smarter than you," he quips, earning a snort from the captain. "And because I know you."

"Sometimes I wonder if you know me better than I know myself," Jim mumbles.

Leonard pulls back and sees the watery smile on Jim's lips. "Probably," he replies, brushing away the tears on Jim's cheeks before kissing him.

"You know I would have told you what happened, right?" Jim asks against his lips. "If Spock didn't need to perform the mind meld… you know I would have told you."

Leonard nods. "Yeah, I know," he says as he plants a kiss against Jim's chin, then his neck. "Let's put hiking off for another day and just relax today."

Jim nods in agreement and allows Leonard to lead him into the bedroom where they end up watching a holovid on the holoscreen at the foot of the bed. 

As the old black and white film plays, Jim lifts his head off Leonard's chest and looks up at him through dark eyes as he whispers, "I love you." 

Leonard kisses his hair and holds him tighter. "I love you, too," he whispers back.


	12. Chapter 12

“So, if we hurry we can make the shuttle to Mount Fera'an,” Jim says as they wind their way through the market in Tarala'n. 

He is too busy looking at the map to pay much attention to the sidelong expression on Leonard’s face as he pauses biting into the Alpha Centaurusan version of a kabob.

The doctor watches in amusement as Jim continues on about hiking up the mountain and being able to make it back in enough time for dinner. 

Leonard knows that Jim’s concept of time is way off and the younger man doesn’t realize that it’s getting late. Using the arm draped over Jim’s shoulders, he steers him out of the way of other patrons in the market without his lover noticing.

He goes back to eating with a dramatic roll of his eyes, thinking to himself that this is just typical Jim.  
  
“And if we only go half way up, we won’t need actual gear - just some snacks and canteens for water,” Jim prattles on. “Unless you want to camp out for the night… then we’ll need to speak to the front desk about provisions and rentals.” 

Leonard snorts as he tosses the skewer into a trash can, which earns Jim’s attention. 

“You have sauce on your face,” Jim comments as he gestures to the corner of Leonard’s mouth. “Right there.”

Leonard raises a brow. “Unlike you who had it all over your face,” he retorts before licking his fingers clean of any remaining sauce.  
  
“Are you going to wipe it off?” Jim laughs. He has another idea that will prove to be more amusing than simply wiping his face.

Leonard leans in, catching Jim off guard, and starts planting pecks on his cheek, smearing sauce on his skin. He laughs as Jim doesn’t realize what’s happening at first and goes to return the kiss at first.  
  
Then again…  
  
“Shit Bones!” Jim shrieks a second later as he tries to get away. “Get off me! Stop it!” 

They wrestle in the street: Leonard deliberately nuzzling Jim’s face, spreading sauce across his chin and lips and Jim screeching in horror as he tries to free himself. 

“Stop! Bones!” Jim laughs as he drops the map onto the ground.  
  
Leonard howls in amusement, not caring if they are disrupting other patrons of the market.

“Hey kid, you got something on your face,” he jokes before he pulls Jim into a heated kiss and backing him into a wall. 

He can taste the sauce and the heat of Jim’s mouth when his tongue gains entry, probing and dancing against the younger man’s.

Leonard cups the back of Jim’s head with his hand, pressing his mouth closer and deepening the kiss.  
  
And wanting more. 

He’s not a hopeless romantic sort of guy, but with Jim things are different. They are like magnets and constantly aware of the pull they have towards one another. 

It had initially started out as platonic - two idiots at the end of their proverbial ropes and nothing left to lose. 

But now.  
  
Well now…  
  
Leonard can’t get enough of him and if the way that Jim is hungrily kissing him back is any indication, Jim has the same sentiments. 

He feels Jim’s hands gliding over his back, gripping the fabric of his shirt and tugging Leonard’s body against his. 

Who cares if the other patrons of the marketplace can see them? Or that they look like frisky teenagers? 

The thought makes Leonard chuckle, the vibration spread through both their mouths, and pulls back enough to speak.

“I don’t think we’re going hiking today,” he whispers playfully, nipping at Jim’s kiss swollen lips. He moves lower, pressing his lips under the younger man’s jaw.  
  
Jim snorts, tilting his head to catch Leonard’s lips in a brief kiss. “I’m wondering if we’ll go hiking at all,” he grumbles as Leonard grabs his hand and starts walking them towards a shuttle that has just pulled up.  
  
“Don’t count on it,” the doctor replies. 

By the time they get to the front door of the bungalow, Jim is pulling at the hem of Leonard’s shirt whilst biting the back of his neck as the doctor swipes their key card against the front door’s sensor. 

As soon as the door slides open, Leonard turns around and grabs Jim by the front of his shirt, dragging him over the threshold.  
  
They collide in a clash of lips, tongues, and teeth – all heated and frantic as they make their way to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothing behind them. 

Leonard simultaneously shoves Jim onto the bed and peels off his underwear in a single motion, taking in the erect cock brushing against toned stomach muscles, flushed and dripping with precum before he peels off the rest of his own clothing. 

Without a word, he climbs onto the bed, kissing his way up Jim’s prone body, tasting each freckle, mole, and scar - relishing the younger man’s whimpers and pleas and how his body reacts to Leonard’s teasing caresses - until their lips are touching in another heated kiss.  
  
Running his hands up Jim’s body, Leonard takes one of the nipples under his palm and pinches it, chuckling as Jim arches into him, groaning and grabbing onto his shoulders.

He rubs the hardening nub over and over as his mouth swallows the younger man’s whimpers and muffled cries of pleasure. Jim grabs him by the wrists and flips them over, his mouth leaving to kiss his way down Leonard’s body.

Wet heat surrounds his nipple, followed by a tongue licking and teasing the yielding flesh. He groans, raking his fingers through Jim’s hair. 

“The things you do with that tongue should be illegal, boy,” Leonard growls as Jim moves to his other nipple.

He swears that Jim’s ministrations are directly connected to his cock, which sits heavy and hard between his legs.  
  
Jim chuckles against his chest and peers up at him, winking in a mischievous reply. Leonard pulls them up the bed and lets Jim straddle his hips as the doctor reaches for the lube on the bedside table.

His fingertips miss the bottle as Jim kisses him and jerks his hips, sliding their erect cocks together. 

“Fuck Bones,” Jim whimpers before savagely kissing him again.  
  
Leonard groans into Jim’s mouth as his fingers manage to grab the lube.

He breaks the kiss, chuckling as Jim’s lips find other places to occupy them, and uncaps the bottle.

“I have a proposal to make,” he says, pouring a generous amount into his hand.  
  
“We’re off duty,” Jim mutters, then gasps as Leonard grabs their lengths with his hand and slicks them both up with firm strokes. “Oh god…”  
  
Leonard groans in reply as he jerks them both off, rutting as their cockheads brush together. “We should just call this hiking thing a wash and just have sex the entire time we’re down here,” he suggests hoarsely. 

He hears Jim snort in reply, since that’s what they’ve been doing for the last week and a half. Not that either of them mind.  
  
Jim thrusts his hips in time with Leonard’s hand, bracing himself against the headboard.

“What if we have sex while hiking?” he asks, bringing his other hand down to clasp Leonard’s. “Kill two birds with one stone.”  
  
“I thought we were off duty,” Leonard quips as he arches his hips against Jim’s. He smears the lube over both their sensitive cockheads, igniting moans from both of them.  
  
Jim grunts, tightening his hand over the doctor’s. “We…  _fuck like that Bones_ … are off duty,” he stammers as he peers down at Leonard, his eyes dark with lust. 

Leonard reaches for him, bringing Jim into a frantic kiss that captures their moans and curses as they rut their way to completion.

He loves the feeling of Jim’s body rising and falling with his own, developing the perfect pace and rhythm as they move.  
  
Neither of them last long and it all ends with Jim breaking the kiss and moaning an ineloquent “shit” into Leonard’s ear that causes both of them to cum at the same time. 

It’s fiery, blinding, and white outs Leonard’s vision as he and Jim shudder and pant their way through their joint orgasms. When Leonard opens his eyes, he realizes that Jim is slumped over his chest, his body weight barely held up by the death grip on the headboard.

The younger man is panting just as hard as he and is flushed and sweaty.  
  
Hell – he probably looks the same, if not worse as he feels their combined semen drying on his stomach.

Leonard lets go of their lengths, dragging his fingers up Jim’s sticky body to cup his cheek. “You alright there?” he asks, brushing his thumb against the fair skin.  
  
Jim’s pupils are blown wide with receding arousal and his hair is darkened by perspiration.

“Holy shit,” he gasps in awe as he rolls off Leonard and gracelessly flops down next to him, earning a chuckle from the doctor. “ _Wow_.”  
  
Leonard grabs Jim’s discarded underwear off the floor to wipe the mess on his stomach before chucking the soiled clothing towards the direction of the fresher.

“Do I need to get the tricorder?” Leonard jokes as he rolls over to his side, facing Jim.  
  
“Maybe,” Jim replies as he steadies his breathing. He turns to look at Leonard, grinning lazily as the doctor runs a hand over his stomach. “Wasn’t the purpose of this shore leave to relax?”  
  
Leonard shrugs. “It depends on the person’s definition of relaxing,” he says as he leans over Jim and kisses him soundly on the lips. “Besides, you’re not complaining.”  
  
“No complaints from me,” Jim says with a smile, guiding Leonard’s mouth back to his own.  
  
They trade lazy kisses and murmur endearments as they wrap themselves around each other.

As Jim is nuzzling his head in the crook of Leonard’s neck, the doctor catches a dark stain on the younger man’s cheek before barking out a fit of laughter. 

Jim sits up, confused, and rubs his hand over his cheek. As he looks down at his hand, he scowls and shakes his head as he sees sauce on his fingers.

“And you call me an infant,” he retorts to Leonard’s hysterical laughter.  
  
Leonard nods as he covers his eyes with his hand, unable to reply.  
  
“When you’re done, we’re taking a shower,” Jim says tartly as he sits against the headboard. “And no more kabobs for you!”

 

* * *

  
After they have showered and eaten a light dinner, Leonard finds himself cocooned around Jim as they rock in the hammock on the porch. 

It’s a warm evening and the sun is still out, turning the sky into a mixture of orange and pink as it starts to set over the horizon. 

Not that’s he’s paying much attention to it as the man in his arms is more spectacular than an alien sunset. He feels Jim’s breath - warm and moist - against the crook of his neck and the fingers that trace invisible lines against the skin of his lower back.

The movements are lazy and slow, yet still make goose bumps rise on the doctor’s skin. 

“Can I tell you something?” Jim asks in an uncharacteristically timid voice that is muffled by the doctor’s neck.

Leonard presses his lips against Jim’s temple, kissing the skin and carding his fingers through the younger man’s hair.

“Even if I said no, you would tell me anyways,” he quips gently. This earns a pinch to his side and him calling Jim an infant.  
  
“I’m being serious,” Jim retorts, burying his face into Leonard’s neck, the heat of his skin radiating against the doctor’s. “I need to tell you about _him_.”  
  
Leonard pulls away just enough to see a pair of blue eyes staring up at him, frightened and unsure, and the flush that is spreading over Jim’s cheeks.

“Are you sure, kid?” he asks, running his finger over the younger man’s jaw. “You don’t have to.”  
  
“I want to,” Jim interjects, his voice too shrill, too tight, too nervous. He swallows. “I don’t want you to think that I’m…” 

His voice trails off and Leonard realizes that Jim is trembling in his arms. He holds onto him tighter, pressing their foreheads together and waiting. 

“I don’t want you to think I’m using you to get a piece of him back,” Jim whispers tearfully finally.  
  
Leonard shakes his head. “I never thought that,” he tells Jim and he’s not saying it to ease his lover’s fears - spoken or unspoken. He feels Jim shuddering against him, a whimper caught in his lips. “Jim, it’s okay. I never thought that.”  
  
“I love you,” Jim chokes out, his face buried into Leonard’s neck. “I love you so much, Bones. It took forever for me to figure out and I don’t want you to think that you’re a replacement because you’re not.” 

He cries for a minute or three and Leonard lets him, wordlessly comforting him with soft touches and gentle kisses against his clammy forehead. 

Leonard realizes that he vastly underestimated just _how_ difficult it would be for Jim to talk about the other doctor. He knew it was going to be hard and that the probability of it ever happening was slim to none.

It surprises him that Jim has said more than a clipped sentence about him and that he even feels to the need to. 

“Sometimes I think I loved him because he was _you_ ,” Jim tells him, clutching the front of Leonard’s shirt with his fist. “But then that doesn’t seem fair to him because he deserves more than that.”

“It leaves you feeling conflicted,” Leonard suggests quietly.  
  
Jim’s hair brushes against his skin as he nods.

“I guess so,” he replies calmly before he starts practically hyperventilating, his chest heaving and his breath coming in sobs. “Fuck, Bones. I fucked up. I fucked up, I really fucked up! Shit. Fuck. Bones… dammit!”  
  
Leonard detangles himself from Jim, sliding off the hammock to give the younger man room to breathe.

He has Jim by the shoulders, holding him upright, and hushing him. “Jim,” he says evenly. “Jim, listen to me. You didn’t fuck anything up, okay? Everything is fine.”  
  
Red faced and teary eyed, Jim vehemently disagrees as he shakes his head. “I fucked up,” he sobs.  
  
“You’re okay,” Leonard tells him, slouching down to catch Jim’s eye.  
  
The tears are flowing down Jim’s cheeks in a steady stream. “I thought if I was stuck there… at least I would have you in some way. That I wouldn’t be alone because you were there with me,” he babbles. “And I did love him, Bones. And I’m so fucking angry at him for leaving me.” 

Their eyes meet and Jim swallows - looking wholly frightened by what he just admitted. Leonard nods in understanding and brushes his thumb against Jim’s cheek, wiping the salty tears away. 

“He was trying to save me,” Jim says quietly. “He wanted me to go home, but I don’t understand why he had to get himself killed.”  
  
Leonard shrugs. “That is going to be something you’ll never understand, darlin’,” he sighs, watching Jim nod in return as his breathing evens out. “What he did sounds like something you would do.”  
  
“That was different,” Jim mutters, rolling his eyes.  
  
Leonard shakes his head. “Not really, kid.” 

They lapse into silence for a while, letting the words sink into both their psyches. Leonard rises off his feet and sits next to Jim in the hammock, their arms and legs touching. 

“You are allowed to love both of us,” he whispers. He is probably insane for even saying it, but somehow it’s the right thing to say - especially at a time like this. 

Jim doesn’t reply and instead rests his head against Leonard’s shoulder, sighing deeply.  
  
By the time the sun sets and the temperature drops several degrees, the tears on Jim’s cheeks have dried and any tension that may have lingered is gone. 

Leonard leads him into the bungalow and straight to the bedroom, where he deposits Jim on the bed. He goes to fetch tissues while the younger man strips down to his underwear.

When he comes back, Jim is kicking his shorts off onto the floor. Jim looks up at Leonard, eyes bright and red, and flashes a bashful grin. Leonard returns the grin and leans in, kissing his cheek. They stay locked in that position for a moment before the doctor pulls away. 

“Blow,” the doctor says gently, handing him a wad of tissues and watching as Jim clears out the mucus in his nose.  
  
It’s messy business, but Leonard has seen worse in all his time of being a doctor and Jim’s best friend. He stands in front of Jim, swapping out clean tissues for dirty ones until the younger man shakes his head. 

Leonard motions for Jim to get under the bed linens and says, “I’ll be right back.” He gets rid of the tissues in the bathroom and washes his hands before reaching for the stack of neatly folded hand towels.

He wets one with cool water, wringing it out once, and heads back into the bedroom.  
  
Jim is waiting for him and still looks guilty as hell as Leonard leans over him, placing the damp cloth over his eyes. “Leave that on for a bit,” the doctor tells him as he tucks a piece of Jim’s hair back before he strips down to his boxers and climbs into bed.

Once he’s settled, Jim automatically moves to him and rests his head on Leonard’s shoulder. The press of Jim’s warm body and the damp cloth sends a shiver down the doctor’s spine.  
  
“What happened to his ring?” Jim asks after the doctor has commanded the lights to turn off.  
  
Leonard is reaching for the cloth and pauses. “I have it,” he replies, patting the cloth over Jim’s forehead and cheeks. “It’s in my quarters for safe keeping.”  
  
“Oh,” Jim says quietly.  
  
Leonard tosses the cloth towards the pile of clothes near the closet and settles Jim against him. “I didn’t know what you wanted to do with it or if you even wanted to see it, so I figured…”  
  
“Thank you,” Jim tells him suddenly.  
  
Leonard knows that the underlying meaning of his words is I love you and it makes him hold Jim just a bit tighter. “You’re welcome,” he whispers.


	13. Chapter 13

He is awakened by the sounds of grunting and limbs flailing, especially since one of those said limbs whacks Leonard in the stomach. Wheezing, Leonard opens his eyes to a moon lit room and the sound of Jim’s voice muttering incoherently in his sleep. 

“Jim,” Leonard says as he sits up and narrowly avoids being hit in the upper arm by a wayward fist. He grabs Jim’s hand, holding it firmly. “Jim. Wake up.” 

In the sliver of light, Jim’s features are in a grimace – furrowed and tense – as he remains locked in the nightmare that invades his sleep. 

Leonard lets go of the younger man’s hand and grasps his shoulders, shaking them gently. “Darlin’,” he says calmly. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Jim gasps, his hands grabbing onto Leonard’s forearms, and cries out, “Bones! Don’t!”  
  
Leonard gives the younger man’s shoulders a firm shake, digging his fingernails into the skin. “Jim,” he says loudly, “wake up.” 

Another hard shake and Leonard sees two unfocused blue eyes staring up at him. “Bones?” Jim asks in a hoarse voice, blinking owlishly in the dark.

When Leonard nods, Jim lets out a breath and turns his face to the side, his skin burning with embarrassment. “Fuck…” 

Leonard lets go of his shoulders and sits back on the mattress, watching as Jim’s chest stops heaving and his breathing evens out. 

He’s about to say something when Jim rolls off the bed and stalks off to the bathroom without a word. Leonard sighs when the door closes and leans back against the headboard, waiting.

It’s not surprising that Jim had another nightmare, given the events from earlier in the night.

While it’s not as bad as the ones he had on the _Enterprise_ , Leonard finds it unnerving to watch his lover struggle against the horrors in his mind. 

 _At least he didn’t scream bloody murder_ , Leonard thinks to himself as he hears Jim coming out of the bathroom and turns towards the doorway to see the younger man’s silhouette.

“Are you okay?” Leonard asks the approaching figure.  
  
Jim nods as he climbs onto the mattress, leaning over Leonard with a heated look in his eyes. Leonard raises a brow as Jim licks his lips and leans in, pulling the doctor into a heated kiss.

He swears he hears Jim growl as the younger man deepens the kiss, his tongue dominating Leonard’s mouth and staking claim. Leonard pulls back, trying to slow him down with gentle flicks and presses. 

Jim whines in frustration and gnashes his teeth against Leonard’s lower lip.  
  
The doctor yelps and shoves Jim off his lap, his hand flying to his bleeding lip. He can taste the coppery tang against his tongue and the throb of abused skin.

He looks at Jim, who is panting like a feral animal at the foot of the bed, and frowns. 

Then he pounces, knocking Jim onto his back and pinning him to the mattress. “Is this what you want?” Leonard growls into Jim’s ear.  
  
“Yes,” Jim hisses back, trying to push Leonard off of him. He lets out a strangled cry when the doctor captures his wrists in one hand, squeezing the delicate skin.  
  
Leonard stares him down as Jim tries to buck him off with a yell. He pins Jim’s wrists above his head with one arm, straddling his body in the dark. “I got you,” he whispers over the younger man’s grunts.

He doesn’t mean to taunt, but to simply state a fact.  
  
“Fuck you,” Jim snaps, increasing his struggle.  
  
Leonard rolls his eyes and presses down harder – probably bruising the skin around Jim’s wrists, not that the captain seems to care. “Not yet,” he replies in a low voice. 

Jim yells wordlessly, kicking and bucking his hips and legs as Leonard sits there, just watching him with a cool expression. 

“You wanted this,” Leonard tells him as Jim stops struggling and falls limp on the bed, breathing heavily through flared nostrils.  
  
Jim glares up at him. “Fuck you,” he says again, jerking again.  
  
“I’m giving you what you want,” Leonard says calmly as he lowers his head, feeling Jim’s ragged breath against his skin. “Do you still want this, darlin’?” 

He turns his head, catching Leonard’s lips in a feather light lip lock. The doctor sinks into the kiss, not loosening his hold on Jim’s wrists. 

It’s quite the juxtaposition and for a moment, the tension that crackled in the air dies down and Leonard can feel Jim relaxing under his grip.

Then the little bastard sucks on his bitten lip, applying enough pressure to make Leonard groan in pain and ignite the fight once more. 

Leonard pulls off him, scowling as he tongues his lip. He reaches down with his free hand, turning Jim’s head away from him despite the curses and wordless threats from the younger man.

“Eye for an eye, darlin’,” Leonard whispers into the exposed skin of Jim’s neck.  
  
Right before he sinks his teeth in to pinch the tender flesh. Jim squirms under him, barking mad and a raging fury, as Leonard applies more pressure, his tongue lapping at the bruising and broken skin. 

“Fuck,” Jim gasps, the vibrations of his voice traveling to Leonard’s lips. “Bones…” 

Leonard lets go with his teeth and sucks, deepening the bruise with his lips and tongue. Jim’s panting breath is hot and wet against his palm and coming faster and faster. 

Caught under his weight is Jim’s erection, hard and furious against Leonard’s skin. He rocks his hips, dislodging a groan from the younger man trapped beneath him.

He moves again, slow and deliberate, as he continues to mouth Jim’s neck. His tongue flicks the captain’s collarbone, tasting the thin sheen of sweat that is gathering.  
  
“Turn over,” Leonard whispers, loosening his hold on the wrists gathered in his hands and scraping his teeth against Jim’s skin. 

He crawls towards the bedside table, swiping the lube as he watches Jim turn over, his skin gleaming in the moonlight.

Leonard stalks over the mattress until he’s behind Jim and reaches out to cup one of his perfectly formed ass cheeks. His fingers run along the smooth skin before backing away and returning with a sudden smack.  
  
“Ow!” Jim barks, turning his head with a bright blue glare that reminds Leonard of a cornered dog. “That _fucking_ hurt!” 

The doctor pounces, locking Jim’s wrists in his hand and presses them against the footboard. Jim twists against him as Leonard uncaps the lube and squeezes a bit onto his fingers. 

“Asshole,” Jim grunts, his fingers grasping the footboard.  
  
Leonard shrugs as he runs his fingers between Jim’s cheeks, toying with the tight ring of muscle and traveling down. He watches as Jim shivers against the fingers pressing against his perineum. 

As his fingers travel back up, Leonard nudges Jim’s legs apart before sliding in a finger without preamble.

They’ve fucked so many times during the course of their shore leave that prepping Jim isn’t as tedious as it once was. 

However, the sound of Jim groaning at the intrusion will never cease to set Leonard’s blood on fire.

Like a bastard, Leonard takes his time and listens to Jim’s curses as he keens and writhes underneath him. 

“I hate you,” Jim hisses as Leonard adds a second finger.  
  
Leonard smirks and shakes his head, leaning down to press his mouth against Jim’s ear. “No you don’t,” he says, thrusting hard and grinning at the cry that it dislodges from Jim’s mouth.  
  
“Fuck you,” the younger man spits.  
  
Leonard arches a brow, watching as Jim’s skin turns pink and glistens with sweat.

He kisses his way back down the younger man’s back, keeping the touches gentle as his fingers dexterously work his passage with hard, punishing thrusts. 

He barely grazes Jim’s prostate with each pass, earning more verbal abuse and sounds of frustration. Leonard’s lips are at the small of his lover’s back, tasting the salt of his skin, when he bites down.  
  
“Son of a bi…  _oh god_ ,” Jim groans as Leonard’s fingers slam into his prostate Leonard raises his head, grinning at the way Jim is trembling on his hands and knees.

He withdraws his fingers and squeezes lube onto his aching length, smearing it over himself before lining up his cock with Jim’s hole. 

When he pushes in, there is resistance and the feeling of too tight heat around him. Leonard squeezes Jim’s wrists as his hips use swallow movements to embed himself deep inside of the captain.

Leonard changes his strokes, slowly increasing the speed, depth, and hardness until Jim is gasping and begging under him, his voice broken and jagged. 

Jim is thrusting back into him, struggling to break Leonard’s hold on his wrists to find the precise angle that will set him off. “Please,” he pleads.  
  
Leonard holds on tighter, his nails scratching the tender skin. “No,” he replies as he continues his punishing motion.  
  
“Bones, _please_ ,” Jim cries out, his body quivering with need. 

He slips his free hand between Jim’s legs and feels the younger man’s leaking cock, tracing the head with his fingers.

Jim mewls and bucks from the touch as Leonard withdraws his hand and brings it to his mouth, licking the taste of Jim’s precum from his fingers. 

“You’re a bastard,” Jim grunts.  
  
Leonard fires back with a well-timed thrust of his hips, enjoying the gasp that comes out of Jim’s mouth.

He keeps the captain on the cusp of climax for ages, thrusting in the right spot until changing his angle – leaving Jim swearing and begging some more. 

Jim’s voice is coming in broken sobs, no longer able to form words necessary for insults.

Leonard can see the tears that streak the captain’s flushed cheeks, commingling with the sweat from his temples. 

He runs his hand down Jim’s stomach, feeling the tight muscle, smooth skin, and the pubic hair that surrounds his cock.

Without a word, Leonard takes Jim in hand and strokes him to climax.  
  
Jim cries out - a raspy, broken thing - as his orgasm barrels through him. When he slumps down, Leonard holds him up and milks the sensation of his quivering hole around his cock. 

He keeps stroking, using Jim’s semen as lubricant, and chases his long awaited release over the sound of his lover’s cries of over simulation.

Leonard feels it coiling in his gut and warming his body as he presses his mouth against Jim’s sweat-slick shoulder. Leonard bites down when he cums, muffling his scream through breaking skin and the tinge of blood.

He lets go of Jim’s wrists, moving his hands to his hips. Leonard pumps through the remnants of his climax, his mouth slack and breath heavy against the bite mark on Jim’s shoulder.  
  
They collapse to the side, both of them breathing like they’ve run a marathon as their bodies cool in the still air of the bedroom. 

Leonard feels Jim’s body trembling against him and listens to the sound of his muffled whimpering in the dark. He strokes Jim’s hair off his sticky forehead, comforting him with gentle touches and ignoring the dampness under his fingers when they brush against the tears that roll down his cheeks.  
  
He lets Jim have the quiet rage that boils beneath the surface until it calms, turning into flaccid limbs and hiccuping. 

Leonard leads him into the shower, where he holds him under the spray of warm water until Jim lifts his head off of the doctor’s shoulder and they start washing the sweat, lube, and semen from their bodies. 

Back in bed, Jim is curled against him and caressing his sternum with tired fingers as Leonard holds him close, humming an old tune until they both drift off.

 

* * *

  
Late the next morning, Jim is all but passed out on the bed with no signs of waking up anytime soon. 

Leonard watches him from his side of the bed, sipping his coffee with an unwavering stare. He can see the bruise he sucked into Jim’s neck, vivid and red against lightly tanned skin, and the bite mark on his shoulder that is starting to fade. 

It’s strange to see him so docile, given earlier activities. The remnants of anger that boiled under the surface is gone, leaving Jim emotionally and physically exhausted.  
  
Jim shifts against the pillows, grumbling in his slumber, and turns his body towards the doctor. The sheets fall dangerously low on his hips, exposing the clean lines of the captain’s naked body. 

Leonard smiles ruefully as he pulls the bed linens up to Jim’s shoulder and smooths back his hair before going back to the PADD in his lap.  
  
He is reading through messages when he receives a communique from Nyota. It is short and friendly.

There are the usual well wishes and questions of if Jim is driving him up a wall (he snorts back a fit of laughter at this since Jim is driving him up a wall - just not the way Nyota is implying).

She asks him if he and Jim would be interested in joining her and Spock for dinner since they will be in a hotel not far from the resort.  
  
He glances down at Jim, studying every freckle and scar illuminated by sunlight. The doctor sets the PADD down on the bedside table before turning back to his lover, lying next to him and watching as Jim scrunches his nose in his sleep. 

“Kid…” Leonard murmurs with a smile on his face as he runs a finger over Jim’s cheek. “You drive me up a wall, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He pauses for a moment before leaning in to kiss Jim on the lips.

Jim snuffs, his hot exhale brushing against Leonard’s skin, and groans. Leonard pulls back, watching one of the captain’s more endearing traits as he strokes his hair. 

The younger man settles again, features slack, and Leonard makes it his cue to leave, taking his PADD with him to the living room. 

Leonard replies back to Nyota to assure her that everything is fine planet side and Jim hasn’t driven him up a wall. He tells her that he’ll ask Jim about dinner without any flowery excuses or false promises.

He types a few sentences inquiring about their mission in Beta Quadrant and tells her to comm him when she is able before sending the message off.  
  
The rest of the morning and early afternoon is quiet, filled with reading and checking in on Jim. Leonard is able to rouse him long enough to get some water in him before the younger man drops his head back onto the pillow, eyes closed. 

Leonard is in the hammock when he hears Jim emerging from the bedroom and going into the bathroom. He pushes his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, curious, before pushing them back into position and going back to his reading.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Jim putters out to the porch wearing pajama bottoms, a t-shirt, and sleepy expression on his face. “Sleep well?” Leonard asks as the younger man approaches the hammock. He scoots over, giving Jim enough room to get in.  
  
Jim shrugs as he makes himself comfortable against the doctor’s body, throwing an arm over Leonard’s waist. “Like a baby,” he replies.  
  
“You mean like the baby you are?” Leonard quips. Jim snorts in reply and deliberately nuzzles his damp hair against Leonard’s shirt. “Case and point,” Leonard grumbles, rolling his eyes behind his darkened lenses.  
  
Jim sighs, running his hand up and down Leonard’s arm. “You still love me,” he remarks, tilting his head up and smirking like a loon.  
  
“That I do,” the doctor replies, flicking the screen to turn to the next page of his reading. 

They lay in silence for a while, letting the sounds of the ocean and the weight of the light breeze fall over them.  
  
“Should we talk about last night?” Jim asks, his tone filled with uncertainty.  
  
Leonard sets the PADD down. “We could,” he says, pulling his sunglasses off so Jim can see his eyes. “It depends if you really want to or not.”  
  
“I just didn’t know,” Jim says, pausing and licking his lips. “I didn’t know if you would be upset about it being so…”  
  
“Rough?”  
  
“I was going to say intense, but that works.”  
  
Leonard presses his lips together. “It kind of goes hand in hand, don’t you agree?”  
  
“I suppose,” Jim replies. He plays with the hem of his t-shirt, avoiding the doctor’s hazel eyes. “I was so angry when I woke up… that I just… I needed _something_ to take the edge off.”  
  
“Believe me, I know,” Leonard mutters into his hair. He inhales the scent of Jim’s shampoo and _him_. “Did it help?”  
  
Jim nods. “Yeah,” he says, practically melting into Leonard’s body. “I think it did. You didn’t mind, did you?”  
  
“Can’t say I did,” the doctor admits with a chuckle. “My lip however…”  
  
He can hear Jim hissing in sympathy. “Sorry about that,” he says.  
  
“I’ll live,” Leonard tells him, pecking his cheek. “Besides, I evened the score with that bite on your shoulder.”  
  
Jim chuckles. “You’re a mouthy motherfucker, you know that?”  
  
“The mouthiest,” Leonard laughs, kissing Jim’s forehead. “I got a comm from Nyota.” 

Jim turns in his arms and lifts his head off Leonard’s chest, raising a questioning brow at the subject change. 

“She and Spock are staying in a hotel nearby,” the doctor explains, stroking Jim’s brow with his thumb until it softens. “They would like to have dinner with us.” 

Jim tilts his head, catching Leonard’s thumb against his lips. It’s such a tantalizing picture that the doctor almost pounces the younger man. 

“Is that something you’d like to do?” Leonard asks. “Or consider it?”  
  
They both raise their brows, each man challenging the other in silence, before Jim shrugs. 

“Well, that’s something, darlin’,” Leonard comments with mild annoyance. “I’ll let her know.”  
  
“After,” Jim says huskily, wagging his brows.  
  
Leonard smirks. “After?”  
  
“Yes,” Jim replies as he starts mouthing his way down Leonard’s body. “After.”

And the little bastard says it with a smile as he drags Leonard off the hammock and towards the bedroom.

 

* * *

  
Leonard is chopping vegetables when Jim comes into the kitchen, barefoot and freshly showered. “I have a knife,” he warns as Jim slips his arms around his waist and pecks him on the cheek.  
  
“No worse than a laser scalpel,” Jim comments as he rests his chin on Leonard’s shoulder. “What time are they going to be here?”  
  
Leonard picks up a sliced cucumber and pops it into Jim’s mouth. “Any minute,” he replies as he goes back to chopping. “Why? Are you planning on making your great escape?”  
  
“No,” Jim grumbles.  
  
Leonard makes a noise of disagreement and shrugs. “Are you going to come down with some mystery ailment in the next few minutes?”  
  
“Bones,” Jim groans, letting go and walking around the counter to stand in front of him. They trade an arched brow before Jim shakes his head. “I’m fine. I’m staying right here.”  
  
Leonard rolls his eyes and scoops up the pile of chopped vegetables, dropping them in the salad bowl.

Grabbing a towel, he wipes his hands and walks over to Jim, pulling the younger man to him. “Do I need to give you a pep talk?” he asks in all seriousness.  
  
Jim shakes his head with a grin. “Maybe something else that doesn’t require talking,” he quips, leaning in.  
  
“I think I can do that,” Leonard replies as he closes the distance between him and kisses Jim soundly on the lips. When he pulls away, he catches the worried look on Jim’s face. “What is it, kid?”  
  
Jim scrunches his nose. “What are we going to tell them about us?”  
  
“Do you want to keep it a secret or something?”  
  
“No, not at all!” Jim exclaims, eyes wide. “I would shout it from the intercom system, but that’s something Nyota wouldn’t appreciate that.”  
  
Leonard scowls. “And neither would I.”  
  
“Duly noted,” Jim grins. “But Bones… I don’t want to sit through dinner and act like we’re just friends.”  
  
Leonard shakes in his head in agreement. “So we tell them,” he says.  
  
“That’s it?”  
  
“Yes,” Leonard replies, leaning in to kiss the line of Jim’s jaw. “That’s it.”  
  
Jim makes a face. “Don’t you think they’ll be surprised?”  
  
“Not really,” Leonard says between kisses. “I’m sure the entire ship knew how I felt about you.”  
  
Jim pulls back, confused. “Wait what?” he balks. “Everyone knew and you didn’t bother to tell me!”  
  
“Clearly it was obvious,” Leonard replies back with a dramatic roll of his eyes.  
  
Jim snorts. “It wasn’t obvious to _me_!”  
  
“That’s because _you’re_ an idiot,” Leonard growls as he pulls Jim back into a kiss.

He draws the kiss out with a gentle press of his lips against Jim’s, deepening it when the younger man groans.

Reluctantly, Leonard breaks the kiss with a quick peck. “But you’re my idiot.”  
  
As he goes in to kiss Jim again, Leonard hears someone clearing their throat from the doorway of the kitchen.

He looks over Jim’s shoulder and lets out a startled sound. Spock and Nyota are standing in the doorway, the former with a curious expression and the latter with a huge smile on her face.  
  
Jim turns his head, confusion in his blue eyes, until he sees them and starts to turn a furious shade of pink.

“Oh god,” he groans, burying in face into the crook of Leonard’s shoulder. 

Leonard chuckles as he feels Jim’s skin burning against the fabric of his t-shirt, holding Jim to him with one arm while he motions their guests to come in.

“Now that we got that out of the way,” he whispers into Jim’s ear. Jim shakes his head, whining incoherently.  
  
“Captain, Doctor McCoy,” Spock greets in a neutral tone over Nyota’s laughter. “I am pleased to find that you both are well.”  
  
Jim makes a disgruntled noise and pulls away from Leonard. “Hi,” he says, blushing and walking towards the door. “Bye.”  
  
Nyota and Leonard watch him disappear before they burst out laughing.

She goes to hug the doctor and pecks him on the cheek. “Hey you,” she says, giving him an extra squeeze. “Is he going to be okay?”  
  
“Don’t mind him,” Leonard says with a dismissive gesture. “He’ll be back in a few minutes.”  
  
Spock raises a brow. “It appears that Jim is quite embarrassed,” he observes, handing Leonard a bottle of wine. “Perhaps someone should speak to him.”  
  
“He’ll be fine,” Leonard tells him as he goes to fetch a bottle opener. “His inflated ego was taken down a peg.”  
  
Nyota laughs while Spock merely nods. “He certainly looks more like himself,” she comments.  
  
“I agree,” Spock says. “How is Jim feeling?”  
  
Leonard uncorks the wine and starts pouring it into the glasses he’s pulled down from the shelves. “He’s getting there,” he replies, handing a glass to Nyota before filling up another with water for Spock.  
  
“Clearly,” Spock remarks, earning a snort from Nyota and a glare from Leonard.  
  
Nyota turns to the doctor. “How are _you_ doing?” she asks before taking a sip of wine.  
  
“I’m _fine_ ,” Leonard says a little too suddenly as he sets down the wine bottle. He arches his brow in playful warning before taking a sip. “How are you two enjoying Farain?” 

Spock is giving his precise summary of how he is enjoying the island that includes the flora and fauna he has observed when Jim comes wandering into the kitchen.  
  
Nyota clears her throat and grins at Jim, who is still blushing when Leonard turns around and sees him. “Hey Jim,” she says softly, tilting her head as Jim snakes his arms around the doctor’s waist.  
  
“Hey,” he replies, mostly into Leonard’s shoulder.  
  
Leonard scoffs and wraps an arm over Jim’s shoulders. “We’re all adults here, kid,” he teases, giving the younger man’s shoulders a gentle squeeze. “Well… you’re questionable.”  
  
“Hey!” Jim protests, earning a laugh from Nyota and one of Spock’s trademark raised eyebrows.  
  
Leonard grins at him and presses a chaste kiss into Jim’s hairline to ease the sting of his insult. The younger man grumbles, tightening his hold on the doctor’s waist. “See,” Leonard says as he turns back to their guests, “he’s fine.”  
  
“Says you,” Jim mumbles as he snatches the wine glass out of Leonard’s hand and takes a sip.  
  
Leonard raises a brow. “Do you want your own?”  
  
“Just wanted a taste,” the younger man says with a grin as he hands it back.  
  
Leonard scowls. “Brat.”  
  
“It is pleasant to see that certain behaviors have not changed in light of your developing romantic relationship,” Spock observes.  
  
Leonard hears Nyota laughing and Jim groaning into his shoulder blade. “Spock,” he says, testily, “can we try not to embarrass the kid until _after_ dinner? It’s a miracle he even came back out.”  
  
“No faith,” Jim quips before snatching the wine glass out of Leonard’s hand and walking away, brows wagging deviously. “I’ll be on the porch if you need me.”  
  
Leonard balks. “Ingrate!” he shouts after him. He turns to Nyota and Spock, shaking his head. “See? Like I said.” 

Nyota giggles and continues to sip her wine while Spock watches Jim through the kitchen window as he goes out onto the porch and sits down in one of the chairs. “Doctor,” Spock says, turning to Leonard.  
  
Leonard shrugs as he pours himself another glass of wine. “Just let him be, Spock,” he urges as he goes to the refrigerator to take out the fish that is marinating in a pan. “If you hover too much, Jim gets moody.”  
  
Spock raises a questioning brow before he nods. “Would you like to hear about our expedition to Beta Quadrant while you prepare dinner?” he asks conversationally. 

As Leonard cooks dinner, Spock tells him about the _Enterprise_ ’s mission to the Beta Quadrant. The monotone, while it usually grates on his nerves, is a welcomed change and the doctor finds himself bantering back and forth with the commander. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Nyota inching her way out of the kitchen, leaving her wine glass on the counter top. She flashes him a smile before disappearing around the corner.  
  
“Mr. Sulu gathered fascinating specimens while we were on the planetoid,” Spock continues on, not realizing his partner has left the room. 

Leonard goes to the sink to wash his hands as Spock drones on, peaking out the window to see Nyota touching Jim’s shoulder.  
  
He watches as Jim turns his head, surprise registering on his handsome face before he nods, scooting over to make room for Nyota. 

Jim flashes a lopsided smile – the one he uses when he’s nervous, but is trying to hide it – and says something to his communications officer. 

Nyota says something back, cocking her head and nudging him with her shoulder. Leonard can see the smile on her face that starts to fade, turning into a concerned expression.

Her lips move in question and pinch together when Jim shrugs.

She is forming his name with an arched brow as she reaches out, touching Jim’s arm like he’s a hot iron. 

That’s when Jim’s shoulders sag and he nods, placing his wine glass on the ground. Leonard watches as his lover speaks. His skin flushes as his mouth moves, undoubtedly telling Nyota what happened, and soon his blue eyes are bright with tears. 

Jim pauses, his lips trembling, and Nyota says something to which the captain shakes his head. He starts speaking again as tears course down his cheeks and he struggles to get the words out. 

Nyota listens in silence, her dark eyes becoming glassy and her lips quivering with emotion as Jim continues on.

Eventually she says his name and wraps her arms around him, pulling Jim to her.  
  
“Doctor?” Spock asks as he comes to the window. He sees the scene before them and raises a brow. “Do you think we should…”  
  
Leonard shakes his head as he watches Jim return the hug and bury his face into the crook of Nyota’s neck, his shoulders shaking as he cries. “No,” he says quietly.  
  
Jim lifts his head off of Nyota’s shoulder and wipes his eyes, saying something that makes her laugh.

He seems to chuckle as Nyota reaches over, brushing her thumbs over his cheeks before pressing a kiss on his forehead and pulling him back into her arms. 

“Leave them for a while,” Leonard tells Spock and leads him to the stove.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank my amazing beta, Emma, and everyone who has read, commented, yelled, screamed, and kudoed this story. 
> 
> Your abuse makes writing this series worth it.

They return to the ship at the end of the three weeks and the homecoming is vastly different for Jim. 

For one, the hallways are filled with crew members who salute their captain and CMO as they walk from the Shuttle Bay to Leonard’s quarters. 

And Jim is moving under his own power and doesn’t look like death warmed over.

In fact, he looks healthy and lightly tanned, making his blue eyes shine even brighter under the _Enterprise_ ’s lights. He is filling out his clothes and Leonard estimates he has another five or so pounds to gain until the captain is back at his normal body mass.

He can still see the apprehension flickering in Jim’s eyes as he walks alongside Leonard, smiling and saying polite greetings to those who look in their direction. 

It’s a lot for anyone to take in, especially someone like Jim, who hates showing any signs of weakness. 

“One day at a time,” Leonard whispers into his ear as they wait for the turbolift.  
  
For a moment, he thinks Jim is going to argue with him when he sees that tight smile on his lips. “Yeah,” Jim says as they step inside the lift and the doors begin to close. “Okay.”  
  
Its better when they are in Leonard’s quarters and Jim can wrap his arms around the doctor.

As the younger man pillows his head into the curve of Leonard’s shoulder, the doctor holds him close and says nothing. He listens to the hum of the _Enterprise_ and Jim’s breathing and the quiet of the room until he hears the younger man’s voice.

“I’m scared, Bones,” Jim utters into Leonard’s shoulder.  
  
Leonard nods and holds him tighter. “Remember what I told you,” he says into Jim’s hair, his fingers stroking the back of the younger man’s neck. “One day at a time, darlin’.”  
  
Jim mutters something in agreement and sighs, his body relaxing bit by bit in Leonard’s arms. 

The doctor leads him into the bedroom, where they undress to their t-shirts and underwear and slip under the bed linens. Leonard holds the captain to his chest, letting Jim burrow his head under his chin and wrap a leg over his hip.

It’s not the most comfortable position, but having the younger man stuck to him like an octopus is strangely comforting.

“We’ll take each day slowly,” he tells Jim in the dark. “We won’t rush, we won’t plan ahead, and we’ll just go slowly until everything becomes comfortable again.”  
  
“What if it never does?” Jim asks.  
  
Leonard shrugs. “Then we take things bit by bit and appreciate it,” he replies, softly, pulling back to see Jim looking at him with eyes as wide as saucers.

Leonard traces the younger man’s eyebrows with the tip of his finger and trails down to the plush lower lip and smiles. “Okay?”  
  
Jim returns the smile and nods. “Okay.”  
  
They seal the promise with a kiss.

 

* * *

  
Life starts to settle and unwind after a few weeks - the coils of tension easing and for once, Leonard feels like everything has the chance to go back to some semblance of normalcy.  
  
There are poker games in Sulu’s quarters, meals in the mess hall, watching Scotty trying to upgrade yet another engine or turbine, and returning to their lives.  
  
One day at a time.

 

* * *

  
He's sitting on the couch in the captain’s quarters, watching as Jim signs off on the last of the PADDs that are stacked on the desk.

The younger man is grumbling under his breath, burying his head in his hands and sighing deeply. Leonard chuckles, returning his own PADD. “It could be worse,” he tells Jim.  
  
“How?” the captain asks, his voice muffled by his own hands.  
  
Leonard looks up, tilting his head and raising a brow, not saying a word. He watches as Jim lifts his head and a pair of blue eyes look at him.

“Really, kid?” he asks. 

Jim’s shoulders slump, defeated. Leonard snorts as he sets his PADD down and pushes himself off the cushions.

He goes to Jim and wraps his arms around his lover’s waist. “At least you’re off sick leave,” he whispers into Jim’s ear.  
  
“I’m on _light_ duty,” Jim grouses as he leans into Leonard, turning his head slightly. “There’s a difference.”  
  
“Being back on duty is still being back on duty,” Leonard reasons, leaning in to press his lips against the captain’s cheek.  
  
Jim groans. “Fine,” he says, clasping one of the doctor’s hands. “While you get to go back to your Med Bay, I get to sit in here and sign off on the paperwork Spock didn’t get around to doing.”  
  
“Such a shame,” Leonard teases.  
  
Jim snorts. “I bet he did it on purpose.”  
  
“Those Vulcans,” Leonard says, huskily. He kisses the corner of Jim’s mouth. “Always up to something,” he murmurs as he cups Jim’s chin and turns his head towards him.

Leonard sees the smirk on Jim’s lips as he leans in.  
  
“Always,” Jim whispers against the doctor’s lips. Leonard melts into the plush lips under his, slowly opening Jim up with his lips and tongue until he can taste the warmth of his lover’s mouth. 

He leads them into Jim’s bedroom, where they undress each other and make love in Jim’s bed, like they have countless times since they’ve been back on the ship. 

When it’s over and they are lying in soiled sheets as the sweat on their bodies cools, Leonard rolls over to his side and says, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re being cleared for full active duty tomorrow.”  
  
“Really?” Jim replies, genuinely surprised. “When did _you_ decide this?”  
  
Leonard snorts. “I don’t get to decide anything, kid. I simply passed your test results onto Spock and the Admiralty,” he explains as he places his hand on Jim’s hip. He traces the hard line, watching goose bumps rising up. “How do you feel about it?”  
  
Jim shrugs as he pillows an arm under his head, watching Leonard as he continues to touch.

“Nervous,” he admits. “But it finally feels like everything is going back to normal.”  
  
“Hmm,” Leonard hums in agreement. “You can finally get that hobgoblin out of your chair.”  
  
Jim chuckles, his smile brightening up his entire face in the dim light. “He’s right next door,” he says.  
  
“Well he shouldn’t be eavesdropping,” Leonard retorts before nipping the thin skin over his lover’s hip bone, watching it flush. It’s warm and salty and tastes of the soap Jim uses. “Good thing these walls are sound proof since _you're_ so damn loud.”  
  
Jim is grinning, quite smugly, as he weaves his fingers through Leonard’s sex messy hair. “Which is completely _your_ fault,” he says breezily. He watches the doctor as he kisses up his body, groaning when Leonard’s lips tease one of his nipples. “I love you, Bones.”  
  
Leonard glances up and smirks. “I love you, too,” he says, resting his chin on Jim’s sternum.  
  
“I don’t want _this_ to change,” Jim says quietly, rubbing Leonard’s temple with his thumb. “I want us to stay like this.”  
  
Leonard nuzzles his face into Jim’s hand. “We will stay like this,” he replies, crawling up Jim’s body until their faces are inches apart.  
  
“Always?”  
  
Leonard smiles at those words and nods as he leans in to kiss Jim. “Always and even after that,” he promises.

 

* * *

  
Leonard is watching Jim as he pulls the gold tunic over his head and settles it over his torso a few days later.

The fabric is a little loose around the younger man’s biceps and shoulders, but not too noticeable. The command gold brings out the blue in Jim’s eyes and warms up his fair skin, though his tan is already starting to fade. 

“It looks good on you,” Leonard observes from the doorway of Jim’s bedroom, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
Jim flashes him a smile in the mirror. “Thanks,” he replies before he goes back to looking nervous again.  
  
“Jim,” Leonard says, catching the younger man’s attention, “it’s going to be fine.”  
  
Jim chews on his lower lip, a nervous habit that the doctor has tried to break him of, and swallows. “It’s just weird… after being gone for so long,” he muses, “to be walking back in.”  
  
“It’s _your_ chair, _your_ bridge, _your_ ship,” Leonard reiterates as gently as possible. “You belong there.”  
  
Jim sighs. “I know,” he replies before they lapse into silence.  
  
“Do you want me to go with you?” Leonard asks after a few moments.  
  
Jim rolls his eyes. “I don’t need someone to hold my hand, Bones,” he says as he goes to put on his boots.  
  
“I never said anything about holding your hand, kid,” Leonard laughs. “Also, you know that I don’t hold hands in public.”  
  
This earns a chuckle from Jim who is busy lacing up his boots. A pair of blue eyes looks at him, the corners crinkled, and he finally nods. “If you wouldn’t mind coming with me,” he says.  
  
Leonard goes to the bed, where Jim is sitting, and presses a kiss to his temple, lingering.

“Sorry,” he says as he pulls back. “I just wanted a few moments before everyone else gets you back.”  
  
“No apologies necessary,” Jim replies as he stands up, straightening the front of his pants.  
  
Leonard gives him a once over. “Ready?” he asks, receiving a nod in return. “Let’s go.”  
  
They walk to the turbolift, one man in blue and the other in gold, and step inside. Jim commands the lift to take them to the deck the bridge is located on.

As the lift begins to move, Leonard feels the captain’s pinky finger brushing against his. “Remember what I told you,” Leonard asks as they link their fingers.  
  
Jim nods. “One day at a time,” he replies.  
  
“That’s right,” the doctor says as the lift announces their arrival. The doors open and they break apart, Jim exiting the lift before Leonard. 

They pause outside the doors that lead to the bridge, both of them glancing at each other before Jim takes the first step. The doors slide open, revealing the bridge that is buzzing with activity.  
  
“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov says, bringing the activity to a halt.  
  
Leonard watches as everyone looks to them and stands up, saluting Jim as he walks onto the bridge like he’s never left.

He almost chuckles when Jim motions everyone to go back to their stations, clearly overwhelmed by the love of his crew. 

The captain takes a moment to himself as he touches the armrest of his chair before grinning that secretive grin only meant for Leonard. “Nyota,” he calls as he goes to sit.

“Yes captain,” Nyota says, watching him with a grin on her face.  
  
He turns to look at her. “Please open a frequency on all internal channels,” he orders, returning her smile before he glances in Leonard’s direction.  
  
“You have all frequencies, sir,” she says.  
  
Leonard raises a brow and nods at Jim to carry on.  
  
“This is your captain speaking…” Jim says as he turns back in his seat, facing the stars in the viewport.  
  
_Yeah_ , Leonard thinks to himself, _everything is going to be fine._


End file.
